Need a story ripped apart *coughs*

Now, this started off as a story piece for English, but now I have it handed in and graded, I was thinking that I would love to expand on it a bit more. So, I would love a harsh, truthful critique, please, to help me along with this new working progress.
It's in 'Other Fiction' and is a short horror story. Please, take your time on it, here is the link and many, many thanks in advance!!

topic36701.html

--Lucyy xx

Lucyy,
I'll get yours done. Sorry about the delay. The holidays have been very busy for me.

Hello, I am one of the res crew mods here on YWS. This is a message just to inform you that I will lock and archive this thread as it is not active anymore. We have to archive and lock the inactive threads to keep the forum organized so no worries, if you'd like to reopen it at any point in the future please contact a current resources moderator, we would be happy to reopen it for you ^-^

-Alice