Lyrria; The Beginning- The Dream

This is a prolouge to this great idea I have been writing. Please critique! This is sixth time edited.


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Her heart was going a million miles a minute, racing and pounding silently. She couldn’t see anything but the darkness of the forest. She was running faster than she ever had in her life. Her feet were pounding on the dirt packed ground. Images of the bare trees blurred past her.

She glanced behind her, faltering a step. She was running away. Running as hard as she could away from it.

"Stop," a man's voice whispered through the night. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light gently falling on her face and all around her. A lonely wolf howled in the distance.

She stood there, panting as she looked into the deep debris of the forest. The hairs on the back of her neck rose. What's happening? she thought.

Suddenly, the voice boomed out, "Come to me!"

Who are you? she wanted to ask, but no words would come out of her open mouth. All she could do was stare out into the inky blackness around her. Chills swept up and down her back.

"Come to me!" the man's voice said, louder this time. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Fear raced through her body like a deer caught in headlights.

"Come to me!" the voice yelled, ringing through the forest. The rage of his voice grew stronger by the second. The moon quietly slid beneath clouds, making it impossible to see anything. The area around her was deathly quiet.

Though she wanted to, she could do nothing. She remained still with her feet glued to the ground. She desperately wanted to run and never return.

"Come to me!" he screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of his voice hit her like a truck that had just run flat over her.

She stood there in the dark, her eyes widening in fear. Goosebumps rose not only on her neck but all over her body as she stared out into the bare trees. Out of the darkness glowed two unblinking, golden eyes that were staring right back at her.


Krista screamed as she sat up in her mangled bed, drenched in her sweat.

Hey there, Cat! That was pretty good, but there were a few things I have to complain about. I'm warning you now, I'm picky with stuff, but you have a pretty good piece of work here. These are only suggestions to make it better.
Okay, let's take it piece by piece.

It was racing, pounding silently. Her heart was going a million miles an hour. She couldn't see anything, but the darkness of the forest. She was running. Images of the trees blurred past her.
She glanced back. She was running away. Running as hard as she could away from it.[\quote]

Okay, it sounds pretty good, but the sentences are choppy mostly throughout the whole thing. For me, that distracts from the story because then you're trying to put them together and don't concentrate as much on what you're reading. So try and make the whole thing flow easier by making longer sentences. For example, your first sentence could be something like: "Her heart was going a million miles an hour, racing, pounding silently." Or some-such thing, you get the idea, I think. Also, you don't need the comma after 'anything', so you take that out.

"Stop," a voice whispered to her. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the tops of the trees, the light falling on her face. A wolf howled from the distance.

Let's see what we can do with this paragraph. The first sentence is okay, but there's just something about the rest. Maybe try this: "She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light falling on her face. A wolf howled in [not "from"] the distance."

She stood there, panting. She looked all around into the deep debris of the forest. What's happening? she thought.

Hmm...Maybe put your first sentence there with your next one. For example: "She stood there, panting, as she looked...."

Suddenly, the voice boomed out. "Come to me."

Only one problem...or maybe two...You don't need a period after "out". It should be a comma. You can have a period after "me", but, personally, I think it would look and sound better with an exclamation mark.

Who are you? she wanted to ask, but no words could come out. All she could do was stare out into the inky blackness around her. Her mouth was open, but soundless.

Inky blackness-I like! Also, you pretty much already stated that she couldn't speak, so I don't think that the last sentence is necessary. I mean, you could leave it and put something after soundless like..."...open, but soundless, a black hole in the night..." or something like that, you get the picture.

"Come to me," the voice said, louder this time. She could not move, could not breathe. Fear raced through her body, paralyzing her like a deer in front of headlights.

Pretty good here. Only one thing, I think. All of those could-not's don't exactly help with the flow of the story, so maybe just use couldn't.

"Come to me!" the voice yelled, ringing through the forest. The rage of his voice grew stronger by the second.

Good here, too, except for one thing. You have written "his voice". I think you should state earlier something about the voice sounding like a man's voice. When you put it in here, it just sounds like you forgot and just remembered that it was a guy doing the Come-to-me-ing. Hmm...try putting something about the girl could tell that the voice belonged to a man earlier, and you'll be good I think.

Though she wanted to, she could do nothing. She wanted desperately to run and never return. She remained still.

Same choppy sentence thing. I think if you add on your last sentence with your middle one it'll sound better. "...run and never return, yet she remained still."

"Come to me!" it screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of the voice hit her like a truck had just ran over her flat.

Oooh! I really like how you described the voice biting with anger and hate. That's a pretty good one! I only have one thing to say here, well, besides what I already said. The thing about the truck, well, this sounds, so far, like a story that doesn't take place anywhere on Earth, so there's just something about it that doesn't fit correctly. I think it's mostly the last part, about how it ran over her flat. Let me see...well, first things first. "Ran over her flat" doesn't sound grammatically correct. If you must put in about a truck running down your main character, try putting it this way: "The pain of his voice hit her like a truck that had just flattened her...[or maybe this]...truck that had just run flat over her...[or even]...truck that had just run over her..." I don't know, something like that could possible work.

She stood, her eyes widening in fear, as she stared at the things that had just popped up. Two unblinking golden that were staring right back at her.

Let's look at that last sentence again. Two unblinking golden...Golden what? I think you must have forgotten "eyes" because it's the only thing that would make sense there. Then you wouldn't need the word "that" because, at least for me, it doesn't fit right. "Two unblinking golden eyes were staring right back at her." Okay, now for the second-to-last sentence: "She stood, her eyes widening in fear, as she stared at the things that had just popped up." There's just something about this sentence that rubs me the wrong way. I think maybe you either are ending the entire passage too quickly, or else its the words "things" and "popped" that just don't sound right with the rest of your writing. I'm not entirely sure, but it seemed like you were trying to end it, but that's no reason to rush. What I mean is, maybe add something else in there because you just jump from the pain of the voice to her eyes widening because something comes up. Sigh. I don't think I'm being very clear, but it just seems like you need a transition of some kind to get from one thing to the other.

Well, I hope that helped, and I think if you can clean it up just a little bit, you'll have a good piece here. Good job and happy writing! If you need more help, feel free to PM me anytime!

~SOUL~

Well whats been said I think has been covered. I for one loved your work. It was fantastic. I really hope you continue with this because you have me sitting on the edge of my seat.

You could work on the grammar and punctuation, but I won't go into depth on it. You had a few typos but I think you could see them if you went back over it.

I think that you need to explain and develop your charcters a little more. I don;t know that much about them. But then again this was a short post.

You did great, I wish you the best of luck, and please please please, keep writing. I want to know what happens next. PM me when you get more out!

By the way *gold star*

Hey cat! you did a great job. As you know i have already read the things you have written,but i was just wondering: does this prologue go with the other pages you have posted? if i does i can kind of see it going in toward the middle but i was just wondering. From what i read i can tell that i'm going to want to read more. I cant really go into grammar and punctuation i think Writtensoul covered all of that. PM me when you post more and answer my question, please.
~peanut~

Thank you, WrittenSoul and Kaylyn. I really needed more opinions on this, cuz just having peanut at school read it doesn't really help. I will try making it clearer, and fix the typos and mixtakes. Thank you!

P.S. Peanut? Start writing more!

Salve! I was looking for something to read and saw this fragment on the Home page. So at least I can do is review it and tell you that you have a nice idea (I read the first and second page). My adds will be in bold, my comments in italic. So here it goes:

Her heart was going a million miles an hour, racing and pounding silently.

- It's quite a strange. When your heart pounds you can hear it quite loud in your ears. Especially if your character is in a dream.

She couldn’t see anything, but the darkness of the forest. She was running. Images of the trees blurred past her.

- Ok. The idea is good, but poorly described. I suggest you rewrite it. I`ll give you an example (feel free to use it or changed it as you will) + As the story follows you say about the moon so that means she was quite able to see :
The darkness of the forest tried to over come the light of the moon. She was running blindly. She could only see the blurred images of the trees as she fleed.

“Stop,” a glacial voice whispered to her from no where. The sound spread through her body like someone poured on her a bucket of cold water. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. She looked around, the full moon peeked over the treetops lighting her face. A wolf howled in the distance.

- Some times you need to describe as much as you can to add style to your writing. You need to make the reader feel, see, hear every single thing you had in mind.

“Come to me!” the voice said, louder this time. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Fear raced through her body, paralyzing her like a deer in front of headlights.

- Why she couldn't move, breath? Rewrite :
- "Come to me!" the voice said, the rage shattering the silence of the night like a thunder. She stood there, holding her breath in terror. She was paralyzed like a poor deer caught in front of headlights.

“Come to me!” it screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of the voice hit her like a truck had just ran flat over her.

- Well she should have pain in the ears not in the whole body. Rewrite:
- "Come to me!" it screamed, biting her with anger and hate. Her ears exploded in an agonizing pain. She covered her hear with her hands and fell in her knees.

She stood on the ground, her eyes widening in fear.

- Ok . Finished the review on the text. Now I'll tell you what you need to add per all :
1.) She is in a nightmare. The feeling of nightmare is quite vague here.
2.) More description.

Well that's all. Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl

Hey there dear, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I shall be your critique-er today .

So...

I. NITPICKS

She couldn’t see anything, but the darkness of the forest.

Get rid of that comma, it's redundant.

She glanced back behind her.

Back behind? I reckon behind will do just fine.

The pain of the voice hit her like a truck had just ran flat over her.

Hit her like a truck, just. Or, if you want to get that last bit in, something along the lines of "The pain of the voice hit her and she felt like a truck had just ran flat over her."

II. DESCRIPTION

Describe, describe, describe. You have some good images of how scared she is here, they're nice, but add to them. The voice is well done too, but some initial description wouldn't hurt. Is it low or high? Does its tone change, its pitch?

Description never goes amiss in a piece like this.

III. CLIMAX

Build it up. Build up her fear. Do the eyes move towards her? Does she move towards them? What's so terrifying about the whole experience?

Your piece is short, so you have lots of room to expand. Don't be afraid of repeating yourself, in the case of nightmares, it can be good. Build up, build up, build up, then BOOM! She wakes up.

Do you see? You only have two build ups in front of your boom, and my lovely helpful *cough* example has three. Just get in that extra fear factor. It's a cold dark October evening, I should be quaking. But I'm not. Just work a little on that.

IV. OVERALL

Definitely shows promise . I enjoyed it and it was written well. You got talent, girlie!

Hope I've helped and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

I tend to nitpick...but here you go!

She couldn’t see anything, but the darkness of the forest.

I don't think you need a comma before "but".

She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light falling on her face.

Hmm... you could add in some more description here. First of all, is the light just ON her face? I imagine it bathing her face, transforming her skin to a milky, translucent white. A few more words here could convey that sense of eeriness that I THINK you're trying to get across. Also, the trees. She's afraid, obvously. Do the trees seem just like trees? Or are they shadowy sentinals blocking her path to freedom?

You get the idea!

Now, I don't like either part where you use your metaphors of a deer in headlights or being bowled over by a truck. I felt like both of these took me out of the story. Instead, you could say that she froze, her limbs heavy and incapable of movement, so powerful was her fear. Something along those lines. See what I mean?

Kristen sat up in her bed screaming, sweat pouring of her skin.

Hmm...I don't like this sentence either. I think it needs more. How about something along these lines:

'Kristen bolted upright in her bed with a scream. Her skin was drenched in sweat, her blood rushing in her ears."

Maybe this is better, maybe not. Just my opinion, of course.

Personally, I think you could flesh this out more. Go more into depth, pile on some detail...make your readers feel like this is their dream, like they can see and feel and hear exactly what's going on. What is she hearing? Smelling? Are the branches of trees whipping at her face? Does the wind burn her skin? Do the trees rustle? Are the eyes of critters watching her, malevolent in the underbrush?

I hope you see where I'm going with this.

All in all, a good start!

-Jessica

Thanks everyone for the reviews. What I got from all of that was, I need more description. Still. I will try editing it soon. I've been working on Ch. 1 all week, and you guys will probably attack it like a lion jumping on its prey. I probably need it too. All it is, is a boring day at school before her life gets completely altered. Wait a sec. Better shut my mouth.
Thanks again everyone!

Interesting story. I look forward to seeing where this goes. A few comments:

You should probably avoid overused phrases such as "like a deer caught in headlights" and "a million miles an hour". With a little effort you can come up with other more original ways of saying the same thing.

I know it is only a rough draft, but you should work on making the sentences flow a little better - it's a bit choppy as is. Also, a bit more description and imagery would really add to it.

Good job so far!

Well. With so many reviews before me, most of what I saw has been covered so I don't really feel the need to repeat. There is just one little tiny thing that no one has mentioned.

"Come to me," the voice said, louder this time. She could not move, could not breathe. Fear raced through her body, paralyzing her like a deer in front of headlights.

I really, really don't think it's neccesary to say 'in front of headlights". Thats a pretty common expression and many people shorten it to just 'a deer in headlights.' This cuts out alot of the frayed edges and leaves only the effect you are obviously looking for.

Other than that, I just have to reiterate details. Details, details, details!!!! I want more. This has great potienal, really, but some small thing is lacking. I just feeling like I'm reading some good writing. I want to feel horrified and transported and gone from my sad little computer chair.

But overall, Kudos!

yo Cat, that was so good. I can't wait to read the rest. see you at school tomorrow

First thing: I love the name. *steals* Okay, I won't steal it, but it's really pretty. The title's what drew me in in the first place.

Her heart was going a million miles a minute, racing and pounding silently. She couldn’t see anything but the darkness of the forest. She was running faster than she ever had in her life. Her feet were pounding on the dirt packed ground. Images of the bare trees blurred past her.

I know what you're trying to convey here, but I think it may be better if you started sentences with words other than 'she' and 'her'. It's repetitive and a little borning. And a tad more detail, perhaps?

She glanced behind her, faltering a step. She was running away. Running as hard as she could away from it.

This seems sort of awkward....choppy. Not really sure how to explain it.

"Stop," a man's voice whispered through the night. She froze in the middle of a circle of trees. The full moon peeked over the treetops, the light gently falling on her face and all around her. A lonely wolf howled in the distance.

I really like this part, especially with the wolf. :3

She stood there, panting as she looked into the deep debris of the forest. The hairs on the back of her neck rose. What's happening? she thought.

Why did the hairs on her neck rise up? A little more detail.


[quoteThough she wanted to, she could do nothing. She remained still with her feet with her feet glued to the ground. She desperately wanted to run and never return.[/quote]

You said 'with her feet' twice.

"Come to me!" he screamed, biting her with anger and hate. The pain of his voice hit her like a truck that had just run flat over her.

The sentence structure is repetitive....is there another word besides 'her' you can use?

She stood there in the dark, her eyes widening in fear. Goosebumps rose not only on her neck but all over her body as she stared out into the bare trees. Out of the darkness glowed two unblinking golden eyes that were staring right back at her.

The bold part is really awkward...I'd write it as "Two golden eyes, unblinking in the darkness, were staring right back at her." It may just be me, but....yeah.


Overall I really liked it. Just make it flow a bit more and it'll be great - can't wait to read the rest.

-Ari

Wow! That was incredibly amazing! You had me thirsting for more excitment and anticipation of what was going to happen next. You created extraordinary detail in this piece and captivated the reader with well welcomed imagery. This is what a piece is suppose to be written like. Not only does it captivate and entice the reader but leads them to speculate what could possibly happen next. What will be the expected outcome? Amazing. I don't know how you came up with this one but this piece is breath taking.

That was good. I really enjoyed it, but i thought it should have been a tad bit more like exciting. LOL
Oh well you write the best that I know.
Writ e so more thanks.
Abby