Shadow Walkers

Hey all, this os one of mine, and i had one of those days when i wrote it. This is still a work in progress, of course! Oh, i know the tenses are a little off...

Shadow Walkers

i am not the blatant good
i walk in shadows
shaping the world in my vision.

to all it seems
i sit on the sidelines
the friendless one.

Others run by
and don't stop to see
what really lies beneth.

Dancers twirl on
arms entangled with those of their partner
all laughing gaily
yet only onene stoped to say hello to me.

One stoped to ask
but didn'tstop to listen.

He heard words,
but saw no meaning
my pleas sped by his unweary ears.

if only one
had stopped to think
and ponder the meaning of my words
i would see light
and not this endless ring of night.

Depression lurks
Anger wells
the rest all stop and stare.

They never heeded the warning
beware the silent ones.

That's deep. I really like the feeling it gives me. That's the kind of stuff I wrote a couple years ago before I started dating my fiancee.

It really explains well what people go thru sometimes.

In other words I really like it keep it up.

That's....wow. It's really good. I positivly love it! Wahoo!

i would see light
and not this endless ring of night.

Little rhyming thrown in there....nice!

i am not the blatent good
i walk in shadows
shaping the world in my vision.

That's a really good intro...not only do I like the sounds of the words, it has a good meaning behind it and really helps throw the reader into the rest of the poem.

One stoped to ask
but didn'tstop to listen.

He heard words,
but saw no meaning
my pleas speed by his unweary ears.

if only one
had stopped to think
and ponder the meaning of my words

That's my (rather large) favorite part of it so I thought I would quote it anyway

Depression lurks
Anger wells
the rest all stop and stare.

They never heeded the warning
beware the silent ones.

Interesting shift there.........but stays in with the general tone of the poem. Those last two lines hit me the hardest.

Just beautiful.

You KNOW how much I absolutely love it Mesh, do I need to say it again? Whole thing is perfect, and it's not just me that thinks it by the looks of things! :thumb:

Hmm...wow, that is one deep poem. I love it, its one of the best I've ever read, I can tell you that much right now. It striked me, in a good way, due to how deep and dark it is, you really did that well. I liked how it flowed over all the best though and the words you used were very good.

Overall it was very good, two thumbs up :thumb:...curses....umm...hmm...ok, I've got it... :thumb: :thumb: YAY!

Okay... Some of the corrections I suggest may have been intentional; if it is, pleasea just ignore it:)

i am not the blatant good
i walk in shadows
shaping the world in my vision.

I would capitilize the I's. Add a comma after shadows.

to all it seems
i sit on the sidelines
the friendless one.

Comma after sidelines

Dancers twirl on
arms entangled with those of their partner
all laughing gaily
yet only onene stoped to say hello to me.

I think that you probably made a mistake on the last line. You had onene instead of one. Stoped is supposed to be stopped.

One stoped to ask
but didn'tstop to listen.

Put a space after didn't and change stoped to stopped.

if only one
had stopped to think
and ponder the meaning of my words
i would see light
and not this endless ring of night.

Possibly my favorite line, I love the way you threw in some rhyme.

They never heeded the warning
beware the silent ones.

Awesome ending...

Overall, amazing poem... Most of the things I pointed out were probably intentional... Very deep, verymeaningful... Great job!

That was really good. Some of them spelling and punctuation bugged me, but it didn't take away from the meaning. I absolute loved your ending. It was neat and definitley deep

Dancers twirl on
arms entangled with those of their partner
all laughing gaily
yet only onene stoped to say hello to me.

I really liked that stanza. It portrayed your meaning well. Very nice job.[/quote]

Wow... I can't tell you the number of times that I've tried to write something along these lines, and completely failed. You did a terrific job with it. Well done!

The only thing that still annoys me is the punctuation and the capitals. You really need to add commas, periods and capitalize "I" and beginnings. But I guess poetry is an art, and art can be anything.

Well, everyone seems to enjoy it. So let me break this moment of reminiscent praise and say that it was "okay."

I didn't understand the point you were trying to get across, which signals that you failed as a writer or I took too much Tylenol. As an aside, this should have been in Narrative Poetry.

Yes, anyway, the beginning was very weak, and had I not read the reviews of splendora below, I would not have continued - you need to fix that. The imagery in this piece is very cliched, as well: sitting alone, you talk, no one hears, boohoo, beware of me. Not exactly what I would consider powerful, in any form, but not bad, either.

The point you got across to me: I'm quiet and egotistical and when I speak you should listen. You could have pulled that message off without such a bad beginning and unfortunate ending, so I presume you were trying to get something else across. The only other possible idea I get from this is that you went on and shot people at your school, such is the way some quiet persons are whenever they feel like they're not being heard, and in all honesty, that's how this poem could be read, that you went on and because they didn't do what you told them something happened to them, as is evidenced by the line: They never heeded the warning.

Structurally, the stanzas are too small and not powerful enough to encapsulate your reader in the personage of the poem. The line breaks are awkward and the word choice does little to aid in mental images and colors. Also, the seemingly random capitalization of letter and misspelling of words damaged the flow of the poem and perhaps is why I was thrown off on the message.

Overall, I didn't like it much, but I would not say it was bad.

Two things I enjoy about this; (1) It reminds that Bekah never used to capitalise I and (2) Brad with a party-pooping critique.

Happy Birthday Bekah! I've decided to drag up your oldest piece as a birthday present

I have to say I agree with Brad that the stanzas were simply too empty (although maybe that is suggestive of the 'emptiness' of the ignored narrator?). Needs more imagery.

Basically, my point is: POST SOMETHING NEW.

(EDIT: This has had over 1400 views!!)

You are horrendously evil, Jacke.

(And I second that motion about posting something new.)