Shortish story

The boy was standing on the hill, overlooking his village. It was early in the morning, and the sun was just awakening, peaking over the distant mountains, to cast away the darkness. The red-gold rays of sunshine shot down at him, basking him in a halo-like glow that any angel would be proud of. He looked down and saw the people in the streets. He saw his friends, laughing as they ran, dodging the angry parents whose pies were stolen. He saw his parents, watching in amusement, as they knew that no kids were going to steal their pies. He had tried it before, the boy though ruefully, and did not want to try again. He saw his sister, young and beautiful, and all the older boys gawking at her, trying to win her affection and attention. He knew she didn t care about any of them; they were just sources of amusement, playthings that she would throw away when she found a new one. He saw it all. He remembered everything.
And then it all snapped back, and he saw the burning houses, the rotting corpses, and the torn landscape. He smelled the burnt flesh and remembered the awful scene.
He had been sitting in the apple tree, far away, playing his flute. He loved music. He smiled as he remembered all the times he d played for his sister when she was dancing. He remembered that she loved to dance, and was going to try and be the best dancer ever. And then reality kicked in again, and he cried. He cried because he knew there was nothing he could have done, and nothing he could do now. He cried for the people he loved, and he cried for the people who were going to die. Once again, he remembered the killing. His sister had been raped by almost every man there, as had been most of the young women. The older women and children had been made watch as the men were systematically killed. There had been little resistance, as they had been taken completely by surprise, and there was nothing anybody could do.
The boy had stayed in the tree, knowing all the good he would accomplish was his own death. He knew that he had to survive, so that he could enlist the aid of warriors and heroes to help him rid the world of this evil scum.
The village had been completely cleaned out of anything remotely useful, and so the boy only had his flute, the clothes on his back, and the little money he always kept in his pocket. He turned around and prepared to depart the only home he had ever known. He looked back one last time, and took in everything he could. He tried to keep all the good memories, but the bad ones took their hold on him, and he could not let them go. He tried to remember it only as it was, but he could not. So, with one last glance at his village, still all aglow from the burning sun, he turned and went down the hill, to his awaiting destiny.


Ah, this is it. I may or may not contiue, depending on if I get any more ideas. This was kind of a spur-of-the-moment writing, so it's probably no good. Any comments and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Constructive criticism, of course.

What I didn't like:
- Some of the analogies seemed kinda corny, like "basking him in a halo-like glow that any angel would be proud of," and also, try not to end a sentence with a preposition. For the former example, you could instead say "basking him in a halo-like glow that any angel would be proud to wear."
- You need to do some more proofreading. Replace "peaking" with "peeking" and "though" with "thought" in the first paragraph.
- Try to rewrite this "There had been little resistance, as they had been taken completely by surprise, and there was nothing anybody could do. " I have a weird thing about an author explaining events with "as" in a sentence. It could be rewritten as "The village was taken by surprise so no resistance was offered." The last part of the sentence "and there was nothing..." is redundant and can be deleted.
- " The boy had stayed in the tree, knowing all the good he would accomplish was his own death." This was confusing to me when I first read it. Is there any way that you could redo this?

What I did like:
- Although some may say the story felt rushed, I loved it because of its feeling rushed. The reader is assaulted with so much visual imagery in so little space that it successfully creates the feeling of viewing a village from afar.
- The abrupt change. This worked really well for me with your going from a peaceful village to the very contrasting image of a destroyed village. Really kept me glued to the screen.
- The ending. It was cliche, but for some reason, it works. It left me interested, and now I really do want to know what happens next. All I can say is, you better write the next part to this story.

At the moment, I think all you really need to do is proofread the story and it'll be tons better afterwards. Try reading the story outloud to make sure the sentences make sense. And again, you better write a follow-up or you'll leave me quite unhappy...

Cool, cool... I'll get back to you on this one k? I'm in middle of cutting it up.

-Z

I like it. It was interesting, and it deffinatly makes the reader want to know more.

I agree with most of Nate's correstions and appraisals, but I would like to add one thing. That is: I'm nit sure a boy in that situation would simply stay in the tree because he though his life would be wasted if he went and died. I think he would has been in shock (you've got to remamber this is telling about his reaction to what had happened) and he would probably either try to save them, then something stops him, or be to terrified to do anything.

Otherwise, I loved it!!!

Ahhh, I loved the ending sentence, especially the way you used the word aglow. ^^; Sorry, little things like that catch my attention a lot.

I also like the sudden shift to the burning village. It really gets the point across, and hits you right between the eyes.

Also, "The older women and children had been made watch as the men were systematically killed." I think you meant "had been made to watch"?

Waiting with some trepidation for the next part.

Well, there's no editorial comments I can give that other's haven't already given, so.. Bravo! That was EXCELLENT! I could totally imagine the switch from peace to destruction. It was like watching a movie.. Keep up the great work!!!

By the way.. I agree with Nate. You BETTER post the next part!!!

Wow, that was good. And sad. Rape...*shudders*

Did you say who had ransacked the village? If you didn't, it might be better if you did...

I also loved the change from good to bad to good to bad.

Really impacting piece.

Ok, this second chapter is really different from the first (though i didn't title the first, it was indeed the first chapter). I swear something went wrong, but I don't know what. Commnts/critique/criticisms welcome. Say what you want, I don't even care. ZZAP, be nice


Chapter 2

Night was fast approaching as the boy reached the crest of the hill, and he knew he had to hurry or else be caught outside. He reached the gate just as the watchmen were closing it.

“What do you want?” one man asked.

“Can I come in?” the boy replied.

“Sure. You’re lucky, you know. Another few minutes and you’d have been stuck there outside. Well? Come in.”

“Oh, yeah. Thanks.”

The boy entered the town and looked around. It was dark, so he couldn’t see much. There was a street running straight from the gate, and it looked as if it went on forever, as it was swallowed up by the darkness. Buildings lined the sides of the street, and he could see a few alleys running off to the sides.

“Do you know where I can find a tavern?” he asked the guards.

“Yeah, go down and take a left at the first alley, and it’s right there. It’s called the Lion’s Inn. You can’t miss it.”

“Thanks.” The boy started off, soon fading into the darkness. Reaching the tavern, he pushed open the door and went inside. It had the smell of cheap ale and sweat. He pushed his way through the crowd and took a seat at the bar.

He signaled the tavern owner and ordered a drink. “Do you have any spare rooms?” he asked after getting his drink.

“I’ve got a couple, sure,” the tavern owner replied. “You looking for someplace to sleep?”

“Yeah. How much is it?”

“One silver.”

“ONE SILVER? That’s blackmail.”

“One silver,” the tavern owner reiterated, shaking his head. “Take it or leave it.”

Grumbling, the boy handed over the silver, and got the key to his room. “It’s the one farthest back on the left,” the tavern owner said.

Mumbling his thanks, the boy left and went to find his room.

He awoke the next morning to sunshine on his face. He got up and stretched, ready to go outside and see his friends and family. The room smelled different than he remembered, but he couldn’t place his finger on the reason. Shrugging, he opened the door to leave—and stopped, remembering that this wasn’t his village; that his village was gone, and he was in a tavern, all alone. Slowly he closed the door and went to sit on the edge of his bed. He tried to fight the tears, tried to be strong, but he couldn’t. Burying his face in his hands, he wept.

After a while he calmed down, and went out again. He went downstairs to the smell of burnt eggs and wine. The boy got his breakfast and sat at a table in a corner. He ate slowly, thinking his predicament. He was going to have to get a job, he mused. Preferably somewhere where he could play music; not where he’d have to do any back-breaking work. He was jerked out of his contemplations by somebody sitting down at his table. It was a woman. She had blond hair, which was done up in a ponytail, and forest green eyes. She was wearing a leather vest that showed signs of frequent use, and had a sword at her belt. She had nice blue cloth pants and leather shoes.

“Can I help you?” the boy politely asked.

“Maybe,” she replied. “What are you doing here?”

“Eating.”

She looked at him with undisguised disgusted. “I know that. What are you going to do?”

He shrugged. “I’m not sure. I just got here late last night, and I though I’d check the town before I decide to do anything. How about you?”

“Me? Oh, I’m enrolled in the training school. I saw you had a sword, and so I thought you might be enrolled also. But I hadn’t seen you there. Are you going there? Are you new?”

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. As I told you, I just got here.”

“You don’t know about the training school? ARE YOU NUTS?” she screamed. “Everybody knows about the training school. The training school is the best ever. Everybody wants to go to the training school. I thought everybody had heard about the training school—“

“Why do you have to keep saying ‘training school’? I know now that there is one, so you don’t have to say ‘training school’ every ten seconds,” the boy interrupted.

“Well,” she replied indignantly. “WELL! Hmm…We have to do something about that, then don’t we? Yes, we do.” She grabbed the boy by his arm and started trying to get him up. “What are you doing? Cooperate. Let’s go.”

The boy jerked his arm back. “What are you doing? I don’t even know you, so why should I go with you?”

“Oh, is that your concern? I’m Ama’Ali. Nice to meet you. And you are…?”

“I’m Chance.”

“Well, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, shall we go?” Ama’Ali asked.

“No.” Chance replied bluntly. “I still don’t know if I should trust you.”

“But you don’t know if you can’t trust me. So you’ll just have to give me the benefit of the doubt, and come with me.”

He studied her for a long moment. She seemed sincere, but you never could tell. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll do it this time. But if something goes wrong, or you betray me, I won’t do it again.”

“If I betray you, you’ll probably be dead, so there won’t be a next time. Well? What are you waiting for? Let’s go.” Ama’Ali got up and waited expectantly.

She’s doesn’t have much patience, Chance thought, getting up. He sighed again and left with her.



That's the end of it. I will most likely change Chance's name later when I find a new one I like. It seems weird to me...

If you keep self-deprecating, I will ban you from the forum personaly. Like I told you before, I'll finish Crysi's story and move on to yours. You can percieve my 'moving on to yours' as any aggressive and hostile way possible. I will be grinning as I tear you story apart! Later!

-ZZAP

*is a little confused about what Zzap's talking about*

I didn't notice to much weird in it, maybe a little more description, and the girl, Ama’Ali seemed a bit forced. But I really liked the bit where he cries about his family, that seemed realistic. Keep up the good work!

PS, I still want to read more of this, so if you don't post more I will personally deep fry you... nah, jk, but I do want to read more.

ZZAP just a strange bitter child. He's ok, though. I will post more later...I have to figure out what to do and where to go with the story. I don't really know, all I have right now just kinda flowed out...so I hope to get more soon, after Thanksgiving vacation. Yes, 4 days off.

I've got a question! How can paying too much for a place to sleep be blackmail? Isn't blackmail usually when you have to pay someone or else they will do something to you or show an embarrassing picture or something?

...I hadn't thought about that. Thanks. I probably meant highway robbery.

Hmm, this was also good.
I agree with El, Ama’Ali is just a little forced. And when you're describing her, you need to do some showing instead of, well, telling.

Do you need sites to find a new name? You could look up some Celtic names. Or names from another old civilization.

I don't care what the others say. I like Ama'Ali. She's got a quirky, outgoing attitude that sets her apart from every other character I've ever read about. No matter what, you'd be able to tell that it's her speaking even if there's no 'he said/she said'.
Perhaps you should work a bit more on getting the setting down when Chance first comes to the town/city. It seems kindof strange that you'd go from descriptive imagery to...er...sticks and outlines. Then the description comes back again a bit later.
Is Chance always that outgoing (in the beggining of the 2nd chapter)? If I were in his situation, I'd be nervous about every person who looked at me.
As I said before, I like Ama'Ali, and don't want you to change her.