One More Night to Live

I posted this a long time ago in my blog, but I felt I should post it here as well to bring it out of the depths.

~*~

This is a pain I'm willing to take.
Though I may stumble in my own path
Or cry with fatigue at night
I will never leave your side.

Ever.

If only you knew how much my heart aches
At the very thought of you
Or how much I want to rip your pains away
And replace them with my own happiness.
I would gladly live a life of eternal misery
If only you would be happy again.

If only you knew just how much I care about you..

But no.

It wouldn't help. Not one bit.

And I feel so helpless
Watching from the sidelines
Held back by invisible strands of fate
That twist my arms until I'm utterly useless.

Useless once more.

And I scream, trying to claw my way to you
Trying to lift my tear-stained face
To raise my drowning eyes to meet yours
So I can tell you everything will be okay
Because I so want you to believe that
Even if it's just a lie to get us through the night.

We just need one more night to live..

I'm surprised to find myself the first one to comment on this piece here!

I found this piece to be a lovely expression. The phrasing is great, the words chosen are great...and for some reason I found it to be lacking something. For me, this is an unusual format. The stanzas are long and uneven. It's very free-form. Still, it seems somewhat scattered. I imagine it was written spontaneously. So perhaps it could still be looked over, perhaps rewritten completely. The message it holds is prized though. It would be a shame to lose some of these lines as they are written.

This is a piece I can help very little on because I can't point out any exact flaw.


Apologies,

Miss POKE

I have to agree with rosethorn here, Sam. I know you, so I know that whoever this was written for, it was meant with as much sincerity as a person could possibly offer. For me, however, I felt it came across as a bit melodramatic, maybe because of the short space in which the feelings were expressed and a lack of background/story. I almost feel like this piece would be better as a short story, to really get some characters interacting and giving us a feel for what's going on and why the narrator is hurting so badly for the other person.

I don't know if anyone else feels the same way, and you and I both know that my poetry critiques are stinky, but that was essentially my main complaint.

Some other comments:

* Why were there double periods/incomplete ellipses throughout the piece? I wasn't sure at first if you had just left off a period the first time, but then you did the same thing again later on.

* I think my favorite part of this whole poem was the title/final line. That thought feels really poignant to me, perhaps because I'm realizing that high school is fast ticking away and when something fun ends I wonder if I'll ever have another time like that with the same people or not. Working more with this idea probably would have sold the piece for me.

*

And I feel so helpless
Watching from the sidelines

I somehow get the feeling this could connect strongly with sports' fans. I liked it very much.

Held back by invisible strands of fate
That twist my arms until I'm utterly useless.

But this was one place I felt was kind of overdone, particularly "invisible strands of fate."

Overall, however, a nice piece, just those few things I think you could work with to really make it stand out. Thanks for the read, Crys!

Aw, come on! We all need a little melodrama!

I liked this... though I didn't see it before. Oops. Yeah. But, as usual, your poetry is awesome and you should let me see a lot more of it! Or bug me whenever you post one... yeah, that would be nice.

I love it. LOVE it. and who cares if its not perfect (whos to say that anyways?) its good, and if SOMEONE likes it, then its a success.