Written from the perspective of my friend Kat, the self proclaimed sole empress of the universe. I didn't bother to change any of the names, so it'll be pretty easy to figure out what my real name is, for those of you who don't know already. EDIT: HAH, guess not--I got unlazy and changed the names! Okay, this is IMPOSSIBLY random, but I had fun writing it--I'm sure it's terrible though--enjoy ripping it apart.
Featuring an equally random introduction by The Black Rose!!!
Classy Narrator: Once upon a time....
What time?
Upon? Wow, that's an old and classy word, I better not use it, my peptobismol might fail me otherwise.
Anyway, in this time in this one place there were these one group of people and stuff happened and then it was the end.
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Are you still here? You just want to finish this story and post for points don't you...
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Well there isn't going to BE an end unless you stop reading!!!
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*tsk tsk tsk* Persistent aren't we? Well you wanted a plot, I'll give you one, and you want a beginning, middle, and end too? Fine, you have that as well you greedy, arrogant, llama lovers!
Here's the plot: Pudding.
The main character: Pudding.
What happens in the beginning: Pudding.
What happens in the middle: Pudding.
The end: Pudding.
HAPPY!!!
HAPPY!!! There's your stink en plot and all of that... now leave me alone...
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You're still here *inhales angrily*
You want a real story then don't you? Ok fine... erm...
PART I: Today Woodland, Tomorrow the WORLD!
Woodland High School; or, as I like to call it, Hell. We were walking along, Jes and I, just another dark, depressing, dismal day. Arm in arm, Hunter in tow, we trudged around the prison of a school we has been sentenced to for four years of our precious lives.
"If we set this place on fire, would it burn?" I asked; one of the many important questions running wild in my brain.
"No, these walls are made of stone, they wouldn't burn...char, but not burn," Jes, ever the know it all, claimed.
"Yeah, these walls could withstand a nuclear blast..." Hunter chimed in. He was dressed in typical boy clothes, with his Grey sweatshirt and baggy JNCO jean shorts. But underneath all that he was really the super cool impartial leader of our super duper secret red and black ninja assassin death squad! (that's SDSRBNADS for--oh screw it , the name's just too damn long)
I inherited these super cool ninja dudes from my Japanese uncle whose dad was a French foreign exchange student and whose mother was a Belgian love slave with webbed feet. Yeah, he was weird. Why did I inherit them? I don't know I just did okay!? I looked around campus casually, hoping to catch a glimpse of the hidden ninjas. My assassins, the super sneaky black ones, blended perfectly with the deep shadows of the prison--er, school. My eyes settled on the very obvious, watermelon red uniform of one of Jes' ninjas. Scowling, I looked around and was able to count all twenty seven of the crimson clad assassins. One was "hidden" in the leaves of a tree. (Which would not have been a problem were it fall, but this was the middle of Spring, the leaves were all bright bright green...I should walk up to him and tell him so, in the process scaring the hell out of him and making him tumble head first out of the tree, thus giving me a chance to say 'have a nice trip? See you next fall!' Tee hee)
Another of her hopeless ninjas was climbing the stone wall, his red clothes clashing with the light beige of the rock. I slapped my forehead in disbelief. Others were a little less conspicuous, sitting on benches in the lunchroom, hiding beside the green trashcans, buying a soda--hey, slackers!
While I scowled at the obvious lack of professionalism shown by the red ninjas (well, what should I expect from a bunch of guys Jes picked up in a bar...), Jes and Hunter sat down and began eating their ever-so-healthy lunches; Flamin' Hot Cheetos. I leaned against one of the pointless, crazy huge pillars that didn't really hold up the roof, and took a bite out of my massively scrumptious chocolate chip cookie.
“Why don’t they paint this place?” Jes asked.
“It would look funny then… and it’d be way too difficult,” I replied. “Why do people insist on painting everything anyway?” I wondered aloud. After helping my family paint our house all week, I was totally against paint and wanted that week of my life back! It was the only time I ever wished we lived in a smaller house.
“To make life pretty!” Jes exclaimed. Wait, what’s going on?! Hey, who is she to read my mind!? Oops…rewind…I wondered aloud… just kidding, I guess she didn’t read my mind after all…
“To make life pretty…” Hunter echoed. He made a face that screamed, how stupid are you, while he said, “Ooookay… whatever you say.”
All of a sudden someone yelled out Jes' name. All three of us groaned as we recognized the voice of Will Dobbins, the most annoying person on the face of the Earth… possibly in the history of the universe. No matter what he said, it always came out stupid and pointless, every phrase the dumbest thing ever uttered. Without a doubt, every time I saw Dobbins, my day was completely destroyed.
As Dobbins walked dorkily toward us, Jes looked at Hunter, who glanced around us at the “hidden” ninjas surrounding us. Although they were all hiding in the most ridiculous places, no one paid attention tot hem. How peculiar. I nodded to Jes who gave Hunter “the signal;” she poked him in the nose. Dobbins ran up and flashed his most dashing smile—which just made him look even more ridiculous… and if possible, more creepy.
“What’s up dumb-ass?” he asked stupidly. Hunter grinned—a smile that was actually dashing and not just a pathetic attempt—and gave him the finger, which, purely by coincidence, was the signal for our ninjas to make Dobbins “disappear.”
The super duper ninja assassins sprang into action, enveloping the doo face like a blanket. Doo face… hehehe. After a moment of struggling, the jumped back into “hiding.” The only thing left of Dobbins was a pair of smoldering shoes. No one said anything for a second. Then, Hunter took a bite of my cookie and asked Jes,
“So, you comin’ over tonight?”
***
Three years later, Jes and I, with Hunter in tow, took over the world using our ninjas and Jes' greatest creation—Squirkies. I know, I know, “what the Hell is a squirkie!?” you wonder. It’s a hybrid of squirrels and monkeys, bred to be the fastest breeding, most ultimatest killing machine ever. I know, I know how she did it, but they sure are nifty! After the “Dobbins Incident,” as it became known as(not that many referred to it often… it was only Dobbins), we planed o take over, seeing the potential our deadly ninjas had.
Our most difficult competition was Bill Gates, who owned half the world anyway, and Donald Trump, who had his massive, fortress like tower and distracting hair. Even Gates’ Super Duper Secret Robot Assassins were no match for Hunter and our Super Duper Secret Ninja Assassins! After we defeated them—easily—we put them to work cleaning our badezimmers.
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You know, latrines! Dingeys? Washrooms? Johns? Powder rooms, los baños, BATHROOMS! Jeez… you’re slow… now where the Hell was I…
Right. We looted those guys clean like they were baby bunnies with no feet, and until they were twitching their noses like them too. After conquering the good old USA, we went over to some Asian country to take over and recruit more ninjas. (Wherever those handy-dandy guys come from, I’m much too important to be bothered with such petty details.) Along with our invincible army of squirkies, the ninjas conquered the rest of the world in a week. When the world was all mine--*ahem* I mean ours--we had the squirkies build us a crazy huge pyramid fortress covered in windows and a super special office at the tip top where all the “magic” of ruling the world is carried out.
After a while, I noticed that Jes and Hunter were spending insanely too much time in that office… they were totally plotting against me! The nerve of those bastards! They must be planning something cunning and extremely devious, and since neither of them are as gorgeous as me, they must be trying to get me out of the picture… I knew that Jes had to be the mastermind, because Hunter was too dorky and introverted to be a mastermind—and he’s blond. Blonds never betray other blondes—unless they’re both girls. You just can’t trust girls, especially blond ones; they’re always talking behind our back and stealing your boyfriend. Damn them. Anyway, I know they were up to something—so I had my super duper UBER secret black ninja assassins kill Jes. Too bad it turns out that Hunter and Jes were just making out on the couch, not plotting against me. So I guess I was just paranoid… okay and a bit greedy, still ever so gorgeous! (Hey, you never really know, maybe Jes really could read my mind…better safe than dead).
And besides, I became Kat, sole Empress of the World! Hunter was sad for a while, but he got over it when I gave him his own private island and a team of slave squirkies.
People are mostly happy to not have to worry about all that voting nonsense and really don’t mind being slaves all that much, those that do are just liberal hippies who are too doped up to escape my personal Squirkie Death Squad.
:D:D
