Blue

I'm not sure about this one - I think the last few lines could use a bit of work. Any suggestions?

Blue

I look down at your face -
Your perfect cheeks;
Your eyes, opening
For the very first time.
I watch your tiny hands
A paragon in miniature
Clutching indelicately at the curls
Of my damp hair.
What is it like to be you?
Cradled, safe and smelling of
Something I knew once,
A scent forgotten until now –
What is it like
To have the world revolve around you;
To be innocent of everything, except
Wanting to be loved?
And as I trace the contours
Of your beloved smile, I feel
That I could be newborn
My life an empty room, waiting
For your light to shine in;
And I wish that my eyes
Were that boundless shade
Of just-opening blue.

oh, i love it. Your subject choice is unusually nice. You did a really nice job. You start with a description, and then the question "what is it like to be you" is perfectly placed. then an explaination. and then a comparison. I like how you turned it around from her/him being newborn, to you being the newborn and the baby being the light. I see what you mean about the end and i think it's the word "particular" that's bothering me. It doesn't really fit. hmm...maybe try "that perfect shade of just-opening blue" or...i think really anything along those lines of two syllables would work. i think it was the three syllables that made it disjointed. But it's a beautiful poem, really. I mean, you can't really call a lot of poems beautiful. there's a lot of really good poems, powerful poems, and other things. but this poem is truly beautiful. very nice job. I think this is my favorite of yours so far much love-penny

Bubble, this is beautiful. I don't have the words to describe the well of emotions it brought up in me. It could have easily been a clique fest, but instead it stayed honest and pure. Brava, my dear.

Yes! This is good! Exactly what they said, and more but I can't think of good enough words...

I changed particular to boundless...dunno if it works any better though. Gah! I love the poem but I cant seem to...those last few lines...[wrestles with poem, which doesnt seem to want to behave] GAH, I say!

boundless i think definately works better...it's still kinda off though, but i can't really figure out what it is.

I like "boundless"...it carries with it the image of possibility, which fits well with a poem about a newborn. But those are just my thoughts

Boundless was bothering me, at first, but now it sounds right, go figure.

Wow. Beautiful is right. It's so pure and innocent.. I love it. Definitely one of my favorite poems.

Thanks everyone...this is my favourite poem out of all the poems I've written so far. So I'm glad you like it just as much!
Cheers,
~bubble

hum... i could have sworn i posted here. oh well. i really like it, bubble

I want to say it touched me, but I felt detatched from the whole thing. And yes, the ending should be strengthened for a more powerful clasp on your reader's emotions. You did a good job of conveying the innocence, but not so with conveying your want for it.

And I wish that my eyes/Were that boundless shade/Of just-opening blue.

And I wish my eyes were the
boundless shade of just-opening blue
fluttering to life in the flurry of reality.

Eh, I don't like that either. Anyway, you get the picture. I don't dislike it; in fact, I really wanted to like it more than I did. Like I said, I somehow felt detatched while reading it. I'll come back to it later tonight and see if it's any different. Keep writing, and if you think of something for a good ending, I'd like to read it.

I think you just voiced aloud what everyone thinks...that, wouldn't it be great to be a newborn? Not caring about anything, not about how you looked, not about what others think about you. You just want to be fed and cuddled. I love the thing about the blue eyes...it reminds me of some pictures of myself as a baby...my eyes are turning green But, trust me, with two little brothers, newborns are NOT cute, you might want to change that to 'infant' or 'baby' or something like that. You go on about that beautiful smile and stuff...ain't happenin'...in real life, anyway.

Well Sam, I know I'm not supposed to argue with you, but I would like to point out for the record that things that are ugly can be beautiful - its all in the eye of the beholder. Ever heard of a technique called the 'unreliable narrator'? But I'm not going to say more. I'm really not having a good day, so I'll only rant at you and you dont deserve it. Thank you for the review.

I gotta say, this poem was perfect for me. You've managed to write something I've been trying to convey for a long time! Thanks!

As for the ugly thing, you're both right. I think, if the narrator loves the baby as much as the poem portrays, it can definitely be beautiful. Believe me, I thought the same thing when my nephew was born.

So, I'm not an extremely experienced writer like all your those who critiqued earlier seem to be, but I give your poem an A+!