Sybyla
I closed my eyes when they drew more blood. "I hope they have all they need now," I said, "I'm starting to feel lightheaded."
"I'll go get you some orange juice," Kaleb said handing Rosie to me.
"Hurry back," I said.
"I will," he promised.
The doctor returned before he did looking nervous. I felt the color drain from my face.
"What's wrong?" I asked him.
"We've found a problem in your bloodwork."
"In mine?"
"Yes."
"Thank God," I breathed, terror had washed through me. He had dropped his eyes to Rosie when he spoken about blood work. His eyes were still on her making me more nervous. "W-what's wrong?"
"We're figuring it out, but we need a new sample from Rosie."
My throat constricted, "w-w-whatever is wrong...could it...kill her?" Tears pooled in my eyes at the thought of that. I could live with my own impending death just not hers. Not the tiny helpless baby in my arms.
"We don't know." I could hear the lying on his voice.
"You know what's going on!" I insisted, "Tell me!"
"What's wrong?" Kaleb asked as he entered the room.
"There's a problem with some of Sybyla's bloodwork, we need to make sure it hasn't passed onto Rosie." The doctor turned back to me, "have you fed her since we brought her back?"
I nodded. Some of the color went out of his face. "That could be a problem."
"Damnit!" Kaleb growled, "What's going on?!"
Rosie started to stirr, "Kaleb!" I whispered, rocking her gently back to sleep. "You're going to wake her up."
"Sorry babe," he said before he turned back to the doctor. "Tell me what's going on with Syb and Rose."
"We've found an infection in the bloodwork that we haven't been able to identify yet, we've got everybody in the lab working on it, we'll find out what it is. So far as we can tell though Sybyla's immune system should be enough to fight it off, but-" He cut off abruptly leaving the room in a confused silence.
The truth dawned on me and I gasped, "but not Rose?"
"We don't know we need to see."
I held her out to him, "make my baby safe!" I pleaded. The doctor cradled her in his arms and left the room. I watched them leave, the tears in my eyes turned to horrible sobs. Kaleb sat on the cot beside me holding me tight in his arms. I knew he was crying too, his fear just as great as mine, I did my best to comfort him as he comforted me. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.
I hated my dreams.
I woke in the same position that I had fallen asleep in, crushed against Kaleb's chest. I looked around for the noise that had disrupted my sleep. It was a nurse. She was standing in the doorway clearing her throat. I studied her face, moving slightly and wakig Kaleb up. Her features were distorted with sorrow.
Poor woman, I wondered what had happened.
"Mr. and Mrs. Ryder I am profoundly sorry-"
I knew what she was saying before she said it, "no" I croaked out. "Don't say it!"
"Your daughter is dead."
"No!" I screamed, "you're lying! She's not dead! She's not she just can't be! She can't!" I tried to stand up but pain came out of my arms from the IV needles. I sat back down and ripped them out of my arms. I stood up again but this time it was Kaleb who pulled me back down.
"Calm love, I don't want them to sedate you."
"But they're lying!" I screamed sobbing into his chest, "She's not she's not dead!"
I woke with a start gasping for breath, I wasn't quite so crushed againt's Kalebs chest. My heart pounded. I didn't know what was real and what was nightmare anymore. I needed to see my baby girl and assure myself that she was alright.
Carefully slipping the IV out of my arm and myself out of Kaleb's arms I walked out the door. I didn't know where I was going or how I was going to find her. But I would. I knew I would.
"Mrs. Ryder!" A nurse exclaimed with exasperation, "what are you doing?"
"I want to see my baby," I said pitifully, "where is she?"
"She's in the lab come on let's-"
"No. I. Want. To. See. My. Child."
The nurse sighed again. "Mrs. Ryder if you do not get back in bed and that IV back in your arm you are going to make yourself sick."
I frowned at her, "I'm sorry but I really need to see my daughter, even if its just for a moment."
She sighed. "Follow me."
I followed her to a small room inside the pediatric facility where my daugther was getting blood drawn. She was breathing deeply and fast asleep. Satisfied I turned back to the nurse with a smile, "I'll go back to bed now."
She smiled faintly at me. "Good."
We exited the pediatric facility just in time to see Kaleb coming down the hall in a near panic. He caught sight of me and doubled his speed. As soon as he reached me he scopped me up into a crushing hug that lifted me off of my feet.
"Calm down Kaleb," I said laughing.
"You scared me!" he said setting me back on my feet. "I woke up and your IVs were just lying there and you weren't. I never knew you could sneak like that!"
"You were pretty out of it," I promised him, "when was the last time you'd slept?"
"Um..." He thought for a while.
"Kaleb!" I sighed, "you need to sleep."
"I will if you promise not to keep taking off."
I giggled and wrapped my arms around his waist, "I promise."
The nurse cleared her throat. "Mrs. Ryder lets get you back into bed and that IV back."
"Do I have to have the IV?"
She chuckled, "needles?"
I nodded, "needles."
Annie
In the back of the cab twiddling my fingers trying to distract myself. I started humming random mozart tunes that Colt liked to play in the dressing room.
"Where to pretty lady?" the cabbie asked me.
I gave him my apartment building address. Though I wasn't so sure I was going to go home tonight. Walking around for a while sounded good. Maybe I'd be walking by where somebody was holding up a sto-nope. I shut that image down. I didn't want to think about that tonight.
A long hot shower is what I needed. I paid the cabbie and rode the elevator-alone-up to my room. As soon as I was beyond the door I started taking my clothes off and headed for the bathroom.
I sat on the floor of the shower with my head resting on my knees. What the hell was wrong with me? Why had I showed him the scars and cuts and then run off. I had jut thought I was worthless, now I determined I was less than worthless, I was a hinderence to the world.
I didn't like being a hinderence. The only way I could see to do that would be to die. Kill myself...the thought sounded comforting. Nobody would find me for a while, probably not until the landlord broke into my apartment to evict me.
I cringed at the thought about what I would look like then. Water still pouring on my partially decayed body. My partially decayed naked body. I had just payed three months ahead in rent, I would be here for nine months, maybe more.
The razor was there, I could. Once I did that nothing in my past would matter anymore. I would be free. Free of being a hinderence, free of the hindering memories of my past, free of it all. I reached for it, it was in my hand...
No...I couldn't do it. I stood up turned the water off and got out of the shower. I dried off and dressed in my pajamas-A white tank top and short shorts. I plopped down on the sofa and started flipping through the channels. I was about asleep when somebody knocked on my apartment door.
With a quick glance at the clock I wondered who would want into my apartment at four thirty in the morning. Probably the wrong address. I stood up and opened the door to correct them. My breath caught in my throat when I saw Colt standing there and I suddenly wished I wasn't wearing something quite so revealing of my scars, the self inflicted and the not.
"Colt, it's four thirty in the morning. What are you doing here?"
"I...needed to talk to you. Can I come in?"
I shrugged, "Sure. I'll go make some coffee."
He followed me into the kitchen and I waited for him to begin. We sat at the tabel in silence for three minutes while the coffee poured. The magic of Bunn coffee makers. "You wanted to talk?"
"I was wondering why you did that to yourself."
I stood up abruptly, "you have to go." I walked towards the door, he was following me. But just as I went to open it he put his hand on the door preventing me from opening it. Aggrivated I turned around to scowl at the obscure object of my fantastical romantic dreams. Somehow I needed this man in my life. But I wasn't quite ready to reveal the scars of my past and have him run for the hills just yet.
He could see the sadness and reluctance in my face. "I can help you," he promised.
"No you can't," I assured him, "the damage is done. Something like that can't be undone." I looked at the ground. When he left I was probably going to kill myself when he left anyways. "More than anything I wish you could."
He gently led me back to the couch and sat me down. He had one arm losely around me. If I wanted to move away he would let me. I didn't want to move away however. I wanted to be closer. Taking on a bold move I laid my head down in his lap near his knees. There I couldn't stop myself from crying. He gently stroked my hair and let me cry.
Finally I sat up and looked at him. "A year ago I was a drug addict. Heroin, Cocaine, Crack, Pot, and whatever else I could get my hands on. I was a hard core junkie. But the one thing that kept me surfaced was my boyfriend. He told me he was a christian and didn't believe in sex. He was lying."
