Dragon Rider of DOOM and CHAOS!

(EDIT: I've decided this'd be best off locked. It was an April Fools joke only, and as such is no longer needed.)

(Plz plz plz plz: I want reviews. The more reviews the happier i'll be, yah?)

Prologue:

The thunder cackled above, and lighting shoot down to the ground, flashing and banging in an impressive display of natural power. Rain fell from the sky, washing away the sins of the previous day. The wind howled like a werewolf, really loudly.

Mathas was walking slowly through the powerful elements, fighting his way, step by step, through the storm. He was on his way to a nearby village. There he would go to an inn and rent a bed for a night. He'd be instructed to go to the inn by an old friend, a wizard, who said he'd meet him there. Apparently he had some grave news to reveal to him.

Mathas stops walking. He has seen something. Reaching down, he picked it up. It was blue - it is an egg, he realises. But ... he thinks it is such a large egg. What could be in it? And why is it hear?

'i wonder what you are.' he panted.

'I am secret.' whispered the egg.

Startled (as you would be) by being spoken to by a large, blue egg, Mathias drops the egg. 'What are you???' he cried.

'I am secret.' the egg repeated.

Deciding that person the only in the world who can have any idea what this egg might be or mean - perhaps a portent of DOOM and CHAOS? - would be his wizzard friend, Mathias picked the egg up.

'Are you still there?' he whispered to the egg. But the egg didn't respond. 'I had best show you to my wizard friend.' Mathas decided, and began walking again.


TO BE CONTINUED!


(So, what did u all think? I hope you enjoyed it!!!!!)

Even these have become clichés

I did like the egg though. It was the most interesting character. Such development, such description! *swoons*

Charlie

Haha, alright then. I just loved your descriptions "really loudly" was a nice touch... I loved how he changed his name from "Mathas" to "Mathias" halfway through, it was such an intense, and very original piece of work ...

I lol'd. One of the better fake stories on here.

Pork

Hehe! You know, as random as this is, I will actually give a proper crit.

Mathas stops walking. He has seen something

Change in tense, ther a few more too.

, really loudly.

Semicolon, not comma. Nice though

'i

Capital. =P

Deciding that person the only

'Deciding that the only person' I think you mean.

wizzard

wizard.

Mathias

Mathas. Tut. Nice characters dev. though!

I thought I would waste my time and give a serious crit. The strange thing is, I'd continue this! Taking the mick out of a really cheap book by Paolini certinaly deserves merit!

~Mark

Okay, then... April fools?

The thunder cackled above, and lighting shoot down to the ground, flashing and banging in an impressive display of natural power.

Should be "shot"

Apparently he had some grave news to reveal to him.

Comma after "apparently"

Mathas stops walking. He has seen something.

Tense-switching.

It was blue - it is an egg, he realises.

"It's an egg" should be in italics. And "realises" should be "realised"

But ... he thinks it is such a large egg.

"Thought" not "thinks"

'i wonder what you are.' he panted.

'I am secret.' whispered the egg.

Should be:

'I winder what you are,' he panted.

'I am secret,' responded the egg.

Startled (as you would be) by being spoken to by a large, blue egg, Mathias drops the egg.

*dropped.

'I am secret.' the egg repeated.

Comma instead of period after "secret."

Deciding that person the only in the world who can have any idea what this egg might be or mean - perhaps a portent of DOOM and CHAOS? - would be his wizzard friend, Mathias picked the egg up.

This doesn't make sense. Maybe try: "Deciding that the only person in the world who could have any idea what this egg might be or mean - perhaps a portent of DOOM and CHAOS? - would be his wizard friend, Mathias picked the egg up."

'I had best show you to my wizard friend.' Mathas decided, and began walking again.

Comma instead of period after "friend."
-----------

You have two major problems:

1. Tense-switching. I think I covered all the incidents in my line by line, but make sure you keep i all in one tense and don't go back and forth between past and present.

2. Your character's name changes!

I don't think I should have taken this as seriously as I did...
~Azila~

this is good, rit more

*snickers*

I actually thought this was a real story for the first few lines and was ready to tear it to shreds before I realized that it was a joke.

*feels silly*

I think you have some movie-worthy material here!

Keep up the good work!

~GryphonFledgling

Sureal wrote:The wind howled like a werewolf, really loudly.

Yes to that description (well, except for the comma). I laughed for a minute. Love it.

i lik dis, dat was gud.

Tehehe

'I am secret.' whispered the egg.

Startled (as you would be) by being spoken to by a large, blue egg, Mathias drops the egg. 'What are you???' he cried.

'I am secret.' the egg repeated.

...such things make me giggle.

=D

This was one thing I read that I had a problem with:

The wind howled like a werewolf, really loudly.

Why did you put werewolf? Why not just wolf? I'm sure a wolf howls just as loudly. Oh, and we already know that it's probably loud. You don't need that little detail. I think it would bee better as something like this: The wind howled like a wolf. It keeps it simple and sweet.

The only other thing was that you switched tenses once. My overall impression of this was that it was creative. And interesting too, in a way. I was a little confused. Maybe you meant it to be that way. I guess I'll just have to wait.

Oh, one more thing: I think you title would be better if you didn't capitalize those two words. Makes it more earnest and professional.

roflcopter omgmissile

this waz the best thing ive red since Eragon, probs better

plz post more soooon!!!!!1

Tehee...I like it when the egg talks.

I agree with periwikle^
-em

Well since this was posted on April 1st, its pretty obvious its a joke.
Although the talking egg was very cool,lol, if you serious ed this up it would still be too cliche.

Nice try thou.