THE TALE OF THE DRAGON JEWELS

Punctuation is your friend.
() . , ? " " etc. etc. etc.

Spell check too. Use that. Please, for the love of all that is holy.

That was not nice. The "for the love af all that is holy" bit is not necessary, and is just going to make him feel bad.

********
Now ....

I had half your story edited, but it took so long I got logged out so I have to do it again. Bugger, I hate it when that happens.

Firstly, I would like to say that I can't even understand you when you're just talking to us. I really can't.

I would like to say that I was going to go through the whole thing and point out every little error I could find, like I did before my post was deleted, but I can't be bothered doing that again. It took two hours just to get up the the first time the Prince is mentioned. Plus, it would be too cruel. So, I'll give you a chance to save face.
I want you to read through this whole thing, pausing only on commas, and breathing only on fullstops. Don't imagine punctuation that's not there either. Now, was that hard to read? Did you past out from lack of air? Because I nearly did. OK, I'd like you to rewrite the whole thing, at some stage. Put commas where you want a pause and where you are listing things, and put fullstops at the end of each single idea, and where you need them. That in itself would probably make this story much, much better.

I'll still go through a few things though.

weapon our magic lost like the Holy Grail.

I don't understand this

1. "I propose a contest" said King Scott

What's the 1 for?
But I like the way you jumped right into the conversation instead of telling us all the details about the weather. Nice.
Also, punctuation is needed before closing speach marks.

"This is how it will go, you send 3 skilled people and I send 3 skilled people up the mountain behind my castle I have reason to believe it was hidden up there in the 40 year war announced King Scott"

You need to spell out three. I'm not sure about forty, I can't remember how far you go up spelling before changing to numerals.

"(The 40 year war was over undead and Humans The leader of Human was called Schyran Tamarson The Leader of The Dwarfs was called Garcullus Graniticus and the leader of the of the elves was called Calorynne Harebreath of Sulthara and the Necromancer was named Senesto the Necromancer. The battle had started the Human were losing badly. Meanwhile Dorma Nogma of Carradyne the best commander in Carradyne” We have the fear of god in them men do not desert we will wi…….argh. A arrow out of nowhere had embedded in his chest ”d..o n..ot de.sert w.e wi..ll w..in I .pro…..mise yo..u’s w..ill s..ucc..ee..d argh”. Already 20000 lives were lost and 3000 had deserted Farandyll Trill the Wizard of the Crying Crags and the kings main counsellor told the king nobody was going to survive. This was going to be a massacre. “we are doomed” said Faradyne. “NO I WILL NOT GIVE UP YOU DO NOT KNOW AT STAKE CARRADYNE WILL BE RAZED TO THE GROUND INNOCENTS LIFE LOST. WE MUST WIN. WHERES IS GURACULLUS AND CATOLYNNE HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN THEIR SACRED OATH SWORE ‘PON THE SACRED BONE OF GHERHYMME THE BLESSED, PLEASE NO PLEASE CARRADYNE MUST NOT FALL!
Then all of a sudden the Dwarven war horns sounded. ”Thank Gherhymme you’re here Guracullus” “You did not think I would miss out on chance of ridding this world of Senesto so ATTACK” bellowed Guracullus then a White Unicorn flew down carrying Catolynne Harebreath “WE MAY DIE WE MAY LIVE IT WILL BE WORTH IT FOR THE FUTURE OF THE ELVES SO FIGHT YOUR BEST AND MAY THE SPEARS OF KALELORINE BE ON OUR SIDE DRINK WELL THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES THIS DAY, ARCHER FIRE WARRIOR ATTACK MAGES DESTROY THE ENEMY’. 40 years later the king, Guracullus, Catolynne had finally surrounded Senesto “TIME YOU PAY FOR ALL THE LIFE'S YOU DESTROYED” shouted Schyran. “You may defeat me but there will be others like me I have seen the future of all your kingdom your kingdom will be destroyed by dragons” replied Senesto. “well i will not be you to kill us so die Senesto. Angrily screamed Schyran stabbing Senesto in the heart The human and dwarfs and elves finally won but Senesto had a wife who legend says she had a son so it could happen if the son was evil like his Father.)

Loose this. Seriously, it's not needed.

So next day posters were hung up stating that

I think you need to find another way to introduce the exact wording of the message.

So Bruda and Fiyou normally hero free environment was now bustling with Wizards entertaining kids warriors showing off their muscles to the cutest girls they could find plus elves doing target practice and dwarves drinking Ale at the local inns.

Except for the grammer, I like this bit. Well described. Now, you need to make "heroine" and "environment" plural, and change "was" to "were". "Wizard" doesn't need a capital, neither does "Ale". And you need to put commas in there where you list the types of people who came, therefore between "kids" and "warriors", "find" and "elves". Also, a comma after "Fiyou" and agaon after "environment(s)". And change "doing taget practice" to "practicing archery".
Now THAT is why I'm not editing to perfection everything.

THIS FRIDAY THERE WILL BE 3 COMPETITIONS IN BRUDA AND FIYOU ONE FOR STRENGTH ONE FOR BRAIN AND ONE FOR POWER. ALL SPECIES WELCOME.

Spell out three again. Also, what exactly is "Brain"? Do you mean knowledge? Or wisedom?

Meanwhile on another floor the Heir to the throne of Fiyou prince Ronald was wishing he could have a go at the competition for brain skill.

Appart from doing the punctuation read-through, change "brain skill" to either knowledge or wisedom, and "wishing he could have a go at" to "wishing he could participate in".

Next night he climbed out of the window and crept along the roof .

THE next night ...

(was an expert at archery and he had gold hair gold eyes and smile that no girl could resist

Fifty bucks says I could.

Also, don't put these descriptions in brackets.

1."Now wait here one minute" shouted King Scott "my son can't be a champion it is not right"

Yet again, why's the 1 there? Also, why is this in bold?

"I demand another contest,” shouted king Scott angrily

Really? He was shouting, of course he's angry, you shouldn't have to say it.

"No way shouted King Joseph

Kings don't shout "No way!" at each other. They may MEAN the same thing, but they wrap it up in diplomacy. Als, you forgot to finish those speach marks.

Okay I will let him go but give him lots of armor and The Sword of Schyran the last king of Carradyne

What about the last king of Carradyne?
Also, this should be in speach marks

And so as he picked up 10 jewels there was a rumble loud enough to wake the dead.

You need a conjunction or SOMETHING between "jewels" and "there was a"

“Break over, time this beast got slain.” Just then three more dragon came out. “Uh Oh Galarainne Socrow we have a biggggggg problem”. “WHAT”? They both said once. ”THAT” he screamed. “OH” they answered shaking. Just when Roland reached the mouth of the cave he saw everyone screaming and heroes and heroines fighting dragons. He looked at his once home now in ruins and burning. He also looked at the other cities burning.
2."What have I done?” Cried prince Ronald
Just then before anyone could defend him, he got grabbed by a dragon and eaten.

What's with the 2?
Also, new line for a new speaker.
Also also, these people don't talk like people from the middle ages ... why?

THE CURSE OF THE
DRAGON JEWELS
"So that is the legend of the Dragon Jewels. Does
Anyone have any questions?" Asked the tour guide"
"YEAH" Said the artifact hunter.(Now the artifact hunter was a man called Daniel some say he was trying to find Atlantis while other said the Holy Grail.He was quite tall blond hair hazel eyes and a strong build)
"What"
Do you think The Vernoplis Cross is real?"
"Possibly"
"You know what I mean"
"No"
"Well it like this. It could exist."
Oh thanks he said sarcastically"
"ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS"
"YES LITTLE BOY WHAT YOUR NAME"
"EDWARD" "Ahem coughed the Tour Guide can we move on
"Yes" shouted everyone
"Okay next place we are going is Dragon Tooth Cave"

I don't get what happened here, you need to make it more obbvious. Plus ... look through that dialogue, it needs things like question marks, speach marks and you missed words too.

We arrived at Dragon Tooth Cave at 5.00pm

Stick to one "person" You had third person before, stick to it.

I'll do the rest tomorrow ... got to go.

It was like a Dragon mouth it really was.

It was like a dragon's mouth, it really was.

But one thing struck Edward as odd why was there cinder marks on the cave.

But one thing struck Edward as odd, why were there cinder marks on the cave (walls?)? You forgot to put a question mark there.

The Tour Guide came up with a lousy excuse

You need to end sentences with fullstops. Also, I don't think "Tour Guide" needs capitals.

'Scuse me why is there soot on the walls of the cave?

This needs speach marks around it.

Suddenly Edward saw a raggedy old man when Edward turned round.

Change this sentence around to Edward turned and saw a raggedy old man.

But can you believe it; it was like he was invisible because nobody had noticed him. Then he spoke words that sent a shiver down Edward spine

I don't know if you need the "But can you believe it bit in front". And "Edward" should be "Edward's" because his spine belongs to him. Also, sentences must be ended in fullstops.

"YE SHOULD NOT ENTER THY CAVE OF DRAGONS!"

Doesn't "thy" mean "your"?

"Say that again." Edward asked shivering from head to toe

You need to end this in a fullstop (after "toe")

But before Edward could even utter another word he disappeared.

Who is "he"? It's not very clear in this sentence

It was now like he had imagined it all but he seemed so real so lifelike.

Maybe something like He must have imagined it, but it seemed so real, so lifelike.

BY NOW Edward sick and tired of this argument so he shouted "Shut up please it now
7:00pm can pack it in now!"negoited the Scots Man
."

I don't really get this, "BY NOW" should be "By now" and you need a comma after "argument" and anouther after "shouted".
From then on I get confused, because the dialogue begins with saying Edward shouted it, but ended saying the Scots Man "negotiated", I think you mean, it. Who said it?
Plus, the dialogue itself should go like: "Shut up please! It is now seven o'clock (or however you want to say it, but I advise spellling it out, and not puting "pm" because not many people say it). Can we pack it in now?"

Okay." said the tour guide." you can go home now".

Captial letter for "you"

"But what about exploring the cave?" Said Professor Colin Dunn.

Who is Professor Colin Dunn? Why haven't you introduced him yet?

"I need to explore that cave now or I shall sue you promise we would explore it"

"I want to explore that cave now, or I shall sue! You promised we would explore it!"

"OKAY, OKAY I SHALL LET YOU EXPLORE THE CAVE BUT ALL THE OTHERS LOOK TIRED SO IT WILL JUST HAVE TO BE US ON OUR OWN".

Who said this, and why is it all in capitals?
Also, it should be something like "Okay, okay. I shall let you explore the cave, but all the others look tired, so it will just have to be us on our own."

Bloody hell, Edward heard the tour guide mutter

"Bloody hell," needs speach marks around it.

The next day Edward called on Joan and left for the Tour Guides office.

Who's Joan? And why are they going to the tour guides office anyway? Also, "Tour Guides" should be "tour guide's" (the office belonged to him, you see, it needs an apostrophe)

But when Edward and Joan arrived there was not the usual big queue around the office and even when it was small Professor Colin Dunn was always there.

[i]But when Edward and Joan arrived, there was not the usual big queue around the office. Even when no one came, Professor Colin Dunn was always there.
At least that's how I'd write it.

Professor Colin Dunn was quite tall with a Hitler Mustache. He wore a tweed coat and a tweed hat, and he had blackish hair.

We need to know this when you first introduce him

But back to the story when Edward and Joan came they closer noticed that there usual tour guide was missing. Instead they had a fattish man possibly in his late 40s by what I could tell.

Don't bother with the "But back to the story" you should not be away from the story at all, you are telling the story, what is on the page is in the story. Therefore you were never away from the story, therefore you do not need to come back. Of course, this can be overlooked if it's part of the style you're telling the story in.

"Oh tell him Edward said get well soon." Said Edward nicely

Nicely is an evil word. It doesn't add ANYTHING to the story, if I said "He's wearing a nice shirt!" it tells you nothing about the shirt. NOTHING. What could you tell me about the shirt? It was 'nice' *shudders* My English teachers have passed on a hate for that word.

"Okay. He said He suddenly spoke quickly and quietly; He had been missing until last night he muttered very quickly
"Thanks."

This should be: "Okay," he said. He suddenly spoke quickly and quietly, "he has been missing since last night," he muttered, very quickly.
"Thanks."

I do not know why we wanted to do it. Probably so we had a reason to go in the cave because we were not usually allowed.

There's that "we" again. Please stick to a single "person".

If they had known what horrors were in the cave and what they would see, they would have stopped and never entered DRAGON TOOTH CAVE.

"DRAGON TOOTH CAVE" does not require capital letters.

You know what? I'd like you to have a go at correcting things in the rest. I what to see if you've learnt anything from my critique. I'll help if you need it, just ask, but I want you to have a go at this. Think of it as a lesson.[/quote]

I think Eloere caught all the major errors. You dont need all the captial sentances, start all sentances on a new line and take out the capitals. Check over punctuation and grammer and the speech marks and stuff like that. Also, the titles "The Realization" and "The Guardian" and the other ones, if they are the start of a new chapter, just add Chapter 2 - The realization because it might make the story easier to follow.

Right, i like the idea behind this story, it could easily go somewhere if the efforts there, i like the idea a lot. Now, the start, all the information you give us about the 40 year war. I suggest you write that in a prolgoue of sorts. write it from the presnet, as if you were there, before moving onto the rest of the story. In this big you get bogged down with complicated names, like Schyran Tamarson and Garcullus Graniticus and Calorynne Harebreath, they are hard to take it, just call them Human, Dwarf and Elf leaders. Dont add extra detail into this part, leave it simple, then go on to explain the contest and the Dragons being woken up.

Then you need to go into detail about the tour, dont get bogged down again in the names of people that we are only going to meet for this first and last time. Now, you have introduced Edward and made him a good character, the heir of the evil necromancer, you write as if he's the main character then you go and kill him. Who is your main character in this piece? If you bring Edward back to life it's fine, because i can see it developing into a Goddie V Baddie, Father V Son type thing.

keep working on this, i like the idea behind it all.

very good story but not set out right im not to sure bout some of the story but overall it was good keep up the good work and kepp writing more in the series ps i know u pps u know me

Vernon, your friend has ever worse puncuation and grammar settings than you!
Let's shoot him

David Grenich rushes out the burnt out shell of the museum. An rushes to tell someone, he can smell the stenchl of death an can hardly see anything through the thick smoke. Which causes him to trip seeing his Mum body he looks like he about to lose his temper but he doesn't he start to cry an cry.

An that's the way the police found David Grenich crying by his dead mothers body. They take him to the station to ask what happened but all he says is
"it look so great.... an so real... but bones move.... fire comes out... I hide... everyone burns...." That all he says nothing more nothing less.

"I don't understand this says the Constable... it makes no sense what so ever, what happened here it can't be an arsonist because theirs no evidence of anything being burnt an now the museum gutted, an this boy what his link to this?"

The Constable put his notes down a looks at his family picture on his table an remembered what caused him to join the police, he was quite tall medium build an he wore wire frame glasses, an also he had a roundish face, a mustache, an blue eyes, but what was most annoying was his nose it was a button nose.

He can still remember it vividly He an his family were in Africa an were wanting a tour guide they chose one an went off he was charging a lot, but they still did not care so they wander for a few days when they came to a river an well the tour guide pushed his family in an it was infested by piranhas so it was over in minutes the tour guide ran off an I told my self I won't let this happen to anyone else i will stop thugs like this.

Far too much writing and not enough information.

Plain and simple

Enough said.

Let's be truthful here:

Fontroy, it seems as if you spend no time checking over your work. I check over my work anywhere from five to twelve times before I am satisfied with it, and go over it in small portions. Truthfully, I could not read any of the story past the first few sentences. There were so many mistakes I just couldn't read on. I expect you will need to put forth much more effort if you wish for your writing skills to push above the surface of average. Sorry if my critique is a bit rude, but it's true.

Per your request...

Well, I refuse to continue beating this particular dead horse, rather, I'll offer you help instead.

If you'd like, I'll go through this and edit it all the way through. All grammar, punctuation, capitalization, spelling, etc. will get corrected, and then if you would like I'll sit and chat with you on one of the messengers and explain the corrections to you.

PM me.

--Q

Read the story from start to finish. LOVED IT! You really know how to make a dragon properly. I like you.