Lost and Discovered: Prologue part 1

I'm somewhat confused.

I read it twice, and I still am.

I can't tell who's who.

Maybe I just didn't read it properly. o.0

Yours truly,
Memento Mori

I have a problem. I got lost in the first paragraph... What is happening?

I like this version better than Hidden Secrets.

But by the way I think thing will turn out. Use the title as a sequel one.

You had a couple of mistakes again. And a repition in the first paragraph.

Yikes! I know you can write better than that.

See you around,

D7M

Once again I have updated, I hope you all like this rewrite better!

ST

Hey there Thief! I think this still needs some work but it's good. I love the theme of mythology running through it and I really can't wait to see how Hades will react to having his child stolen. That's a rather original idea and quite ironic considering he's the one usually doing the kidnapping.

I think most of your characters are a little flat at the moment, especially the dark knight and her various siblings. You need to describe them more and show their emotions and individual voices. A lot of this is 'they all' or 'everyone' but you need to show the diversity and conflict between these characters. They may be working together on this task but I'm pretty sure they hold different ideas.

Here's a few suggestions that should help a little -

It was nearly midnight when five riders finally reached a pair of large, golden gates[s],[/s] ; [s]with[/s] a ruby plate embedded in the center.

A symbol of power [What is this? You need to describe it!] was placed above the doorway that flew down to make a bridge, creating passage to the group. Carefully, the knights crossed the bridge so they wouldn’t fall into the boiling lava surrounding the castle. [I'd rephrase the second sentence. Maybe something like 'The knights crossed the bridge carefully, avoiding the deadly lava that encircled the castle.']

Once everyone [s]sat down[/s] was seated, [s]when[/s] smoke started to swirl above the seat of the head chair, shaping into a man.

“Father, why must you dress like those of the future? It creates a bad image for our kind.” Said one of the knights shifting uncomfortably on his seat.

“When I was your age, my brothers and I like to travel to the future. We immediately adapted to the way time was then and became to act and dress accordingly.

“You should know that by now my son, that goes for the rest of you. You should all know of your families past.”

[I'd suggest moving this whole section. The explanation is for the reader's benefit only. Instead, describe how the knights are dressed in old-fashioned armour, draw the reader's attention towards it more. Research a little, find out exactly how it would have looked and add a sense of history to this piece.]

“It has been way too long since I last saw you, My Love.

Everybody else wished the meeting was over with and [s]not have[/s] that they could avoid disturbing thoughts or images in their minds.

Pausing to [s]except[/s] accept a drink from a servant, he continued,” Only five of these children will be taking the main seats of power.

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This is a nice start but you need to add more description and I think it would be good if you started earlier on in the knight's journey to show some interaction between them and to give the reader more of a sense of the presense of the kidnapped child. It would give you a chance to separate their personalities before you introduce other characters.

Hope this helps and feel free to ask questions,

Heather xx

It was interesting, but as Heather said, you really need to develop the characters, and maybe start a little earlier. I mean, we don't even know what any of the riders' names are, and definitely not anything about them.
Also, you may want to make things clearer. I could read it, but some parts still didn't make much sense.

Good luck,
Sela

I must say...This was...Interesting...How to put this...Definitly needs work, but in all do time it shall blossom...Spelling errors, punctuation...The plots good...We should work together...I think I could help...Anyways...

Death

P.S. I like the sound of where you live! Heh heh.

Another good post

Well done.

However, there are a few things. Again, again, again- description of the setting! It's something that this needs . Don't get me wrong, it's good, it's a good start to what, potentially, could be a good story, just needs description of setting. Only because when I read it, it felt as though the characters were wandering in an empty void. I'm sure you understand what I'm yapping about.

Anyhow, brilliant, I shall now make my way to Chapter 1 and 2

Dan

I liked it, but I would just suggest making it a bit more coherant with your characters.