Lost and Discovered: Prologue part 1

Please R&R. Thanks:D.

Lost and Discovered


Prologue (part 1):

Alvr sat impatiently. Fifty thousand years he had waited to be free. Twenty thousand years since he had been isolated to the pit of Kronos, the old god of Time was his only company. The place was now quite nice since he moved here, building things with Kronos’ help. Not a bad guy really, Kronos, just a bit misunderstood, and the power that grew within him started to make him go crazy, Alvr was just accused of murdering his own twin brother because he discovered how to kill an immortal, but that’s a different story.

Dong! Dong! Dong!

Midnight. He was free at last, but Roxanne was nowhere to be found. She was always on time, his wife, but he decided not to wait and see if she remembered to pick him up and headed out the door to start a new beginning. Leaving a note to Kronos to let him know he had left and that he would visit now and again.

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Charon sat patiently on the banks of the River Styx, scratching his skull, waiting for Alvr to meet him. He knew that he would arrive later than usual because his wife wouldn’t be there to pick him up. Ever since he’d left, Hades had found himself a queen that Roxanne now served. And seeing that it was summer, Roxanne could not leave the Upper world. Suddenly a fiery red light appeared out of the tunnel on the other side of the Styx. It occurred to Charon that Alvr would never stop taking great care of his war horses. They were in the perfect shape those horses. But the most powerful of them was Alvr’s fire breed horse, Charcoal. The horse had the blackest coat anyone would probably ever see on a horse and manes of fire. People would sometimes mistake them for the horses that Apollo owned but those kind only came with bright coats.

Galloping to a stop besides Charon, Alvr jumped of Charcoal and gave his old friend a bear hug.

“Ollie,” wheezed Charon, calling Alvr by his old nickname. “ Get a grip ‘n’ let go!”

“We haven’t seen each other in twenty-thousand years and that’s all you can talk about? Pain?” Alvr replied in his booming voice, but relunctantly he let go.

Charon stared in awe at his friends’ appearance. Long gone were the unkept black hair and intensly bright green eyes, he now had pure white hair and silver eyes. The eyes still had that mischevious joy, and his face still clean shaven, but the face. The face of Alvr Magmius, the ex-god of Destruction and the Elements had a mature feeling about him now. A stern look was barely visible, lightly sketched upon Alvr’s face.

“Looks like a really happy ‘Oh, I just found a brilliant way to take over the world (or something of the likes) look”

Indeed he did, one glance at the once most distructive immortal alive and anyone would think he was a intellegint, wise man that was still young at heart.

Charon then chose to speak up again after they both had looked over eachother.

“Hard to believe you could still be like that in the heart for someone older than Chaos himself!”

“So true Charon, so true.” Said a man standing the shadows.

Hades.

TBC

Hi there! Haven't seen you around YWS before! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

Quick random note: Letters should be in italics to differentiate between the letter and the narration. Same goes for thoughts.

Another random note -- it wasn't BC when it was BC. They didn't know that it was BC. Unless your character is immortal or something.

I kind of scanned most of this, because to be honest, it didn't hold my attention. The biggest flaw right now is that there is no way for me to connect with your characters -- there's also not enough detail. It makes your story hard to pay attention to and hard to stay interested in.

What I suggest doing is slowing down your pace, adding in some drama and detail and descriptive language. Let us get a feel for your character. Let the reader crawl around in her head for a while. What is she thinking? What is she feeling? What exact environment is she in? What motivation does she have? Let us really see your character, not just someone going around and doing stuff. It's not very interesting. Spice it up! Let's see some more of this.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! I'm here to help, love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Kay everyone, I have updated! Pleeeeease read and review!

I only have one out of like thirty right now...



Pleeeeeeeeeasssssssssse

I'm Confused....

the daughter of Hades and Zeus himself, about her hiding herself as the Rebel Goddess…

Hades and Zeus had a daughter?? (How is that even possible)

But when Hades was about to drag her daughter off

You mean his, right?

Overall, your story has a lot of awkward sounding sentences.

All together she looked like she was ready for war at the time.

This sentence, for example. It's hard to read, and I don't understand what you were trying to say.

I suggest you try reading the story out loud to yourself, and see how it sounds.

As to the idea of the story, I think it's a good one, but I think you've added in too many extra characters, for so short a chapter. Who is "Iceberg" anyway?

Also, rather than making so many completely new characters a once, why not introduce them spaced apart, so the story is easier to understand, and the reader doesn't have to worry about remembering so many names.

I think that if you're going to write a story about Greek mythology, you should actually stick to the actual gods and goddesses for the most part. I can see where you were going, I guess, but I don't think it works very well in this case.

Also, I agree that you tried to introduce too many characters in the first chapter. I would be totally lost if I didn't know Greek myths.

Liked it but thought that it was a bit short.
Work on it to make it longer, okay
shanan-cat!

Hi there, Shadow Thief!

Thundered the raving mad Zeus, standing tall in his white toga.

I might be wrong, but I think "raving mad" should be hyphenated, thus: "raving-mad."

“I’ll talk back to you when I want, Uncle!” screamed the just as equally mad, thirteen year old goddess, Crissiphone.

You should delete either "just as " or "equally," they mean the same thing, so you are repeating yourself. ^_^ Also, delete the comma after "mad."

“Hades, control your daughter NOW!” ordered Hera from her seat on her throne.

There should be a comma after "daughter."

“What do you mean by ‘uh oh’ Ereick?”

There should be a comma after 'uh oh.'

Indeed every one had heard of the Elementals.

There should be a comma after "indeed," and also, "everyone" is one word. ^_~

Before them though was their parents, Reality and her husband Fantasy.

There should be commas before and after "though."

There are more and just as important Elementals, but this black cloud was the messenger cloud. So everyone knew each others thoughts, hopefully the news wasn’t to terrible.

This is a little awkward; I suggest you rephrase it to: "There are more and just as important Elementals, but this black cloud was the messenger cloud, so everyone knew each others thoughts: hopefully the news wasn’t to terrible."

While Sam was only dressed in a kilt, no shield nor sword, for it is against the law to stop a punishment by a man or woman more powerful than themselves.

I suggest you either change the "while" to "but" or you delete it. And also, rather than saying "...for it is against the law to stop a punishment..." you should say "...for it WAS against the law to stop a punishment..."

But what surprised them all was that Iceburg didn’t hurt him, but instead gave Sam a tight hug…

Aww! i like that ending. ^.^ However, the way you say it is a little strange. Try: "But what surprised them all was that Iceburg didn’t hurt Sam, but instead gave him a tight hug." Try not to end with an ellipses (a.k.a. dot dot dot).
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Overall, I agree with Saint: there really isn't much detail or character development in this piece, it's all action. Maybe you should try describing the setting? I didn't realize there were so many people present until they all started talking. I think you should give a whole paragraph (if not more) in the very beginning to a description of the scene. Also, spend a little more time on what the characters look like and how they feel about the situation. In my opinion, you should save the action for the second/third chapter and spend the first one? Or maybe you could keep this as it is, and devote another chapter to description/development?

PM me if I was unclear about anything, or you have questions/comments!

I hope this helps!
~Azila~

Hello, I thought sense we were friends I should review your work. I have to agree with the others--- if your going to remain with Greek Mythology try to stay as canon as possible especially in the first few chapters or it will confuse the readers who will be like, "Um, who's Iceburg?" I also agree about the character development and that the piece is too action-y (yes i made up that word).

Shadow_Theif13 wrote:“How dare you talk back to me like that!” Thundered the raving mad Zeus, standing tall in his white toga.

I liked how you paired Zeus' description with "thundering"being the fact that he's the God of lightning with thundering words. xD But you should re-word this still. When the reader reads "thundering" we understand that the character is mad.

aestar101 wrote:“I’ll talk back to you when I want, Uncle!” screamed the just as equally mad, thirteen year old goddess, Crissiphone. She was wearing a navy blue dress that her mother made her wear.

I don't think in BC times they would have colors like navy blue. I think you should just scrap Crissiphone's dress description.

aestar101 wrote:“Uh Oh….” Said Hades and Persephone’s youngest son, Ereickules.

I cannot imagine the God of the Underworld saying uh-oh. It just sounds weird you know? Maybe he should curse like, "By river of styx," Yes, that was a bad/cheesy line but you get my point hopefully. =D

aestar101 wrote:The cloud started to shift into a light blue figure dressed in armor from head to toe. The godly council bowed to the only messenger of the Elementals...Iceburg the Water Element.

I don't really like Iceburg...no offense! I don't mean to offend it just doesn't sound mythological. I think you should look around on baby sites for ancient Greek names and try to find something more fitting.

Thanks It has been updated!:D

K, I'm just gonna blurt out what needs fixing as I read here:

Cut down on the description of your character. No one wants to read two paragraphs of physical descriptions when it can be cut down to a few concise sentences. Don't be afraid to leave a little bit up to the reader's imagination.

Same concept with the back story, the whole getting their titles bit is stretched a bit far.

The dialogue is so casual, it doesn't hold my attention. I don't think the ancient greeks would be using modern day slang.

Overall, I think you should start from scrap and just overhaul the thing. Keep writing though, and good luck!

~Yoyo

Hey, there! Here's your second review:

Shadow_Theif13 wrote:Crissiphone muttered to herself as she rode on the chariot to the Council of the Gods. She had long black hair that fell to her waist, with small streaks of lavender on the bangs. Already at thirteen,
she cared a lot about her apearrance. As much as she loved to show of her looks, now that she was no longer scared of everyone and took off that hideous mask of pure silver, she disliked having to dress properly foranything she didn’t want to do.

Avoid cataloging character descriptions. It ends up as an info-dump that breaks the flow and annoys the reader.

For example: leaving the Underworld for anywhere in the light. At the moment she was wearing a navy blue dress and her best pair of sandals, but it just made her pale copper skin even more pale looking. Just like her year younger twin brother Ereickules, her eye color and aura changed to match her mood, her anger turned her eyes and aura silver, contrasting with the dress.

Take out the "for example:" it's too informal.

So very quietly they followed, to spy on her, and tell her father what was going on. What they discovered, however, was very bad. Crissiphone was given the title of Goddess of Shadows, but like her father had to take more than the two titles she had. Instead of just Crissiphone, daughter of Hades and Persephone, Goddess of Shadows; she had become: Crissiphone, daughter of Hades and Persephone, Goddess of Shadows and Rebels.

The first thing wrong with this is awkward phrasing. Try to say "One night, they had quietly followed her and reported the news to her father." Also, the whole thing about titles is unnecessary. You should nix it. Just tell what the bad thing they found out which is obviously the reason behind her name "Goddess of Rebels".

Everyone in the world had heard of the Rebel Goddess. She wore black armor and had a bad attitude. And because Crissiphone was wearing the mask around everybody else who didn’t know her true identity, they thought Shadow Thief, Goddess of Rebels, was another one of those crazy lowlife teen immortals looking for attention.

Nix else after everybody. Or change it to "everyone else".

Attention seeking, yes, lowlife and crazy, no. Crissiphone liked destruction and was always looking for trouble, just like her father had before he met Persephone.

“Man, I just hate having to go to Olympus. All they do is get drunk and discuss business.” Thought Crissiphone.

First off change this to italics, it better differentiates thoughts and feelings. Next I think her jargon is a bit too modern. If you want her to remain to her ancient Greek persona you should try to make her dialog a bit more archaic.

“Mom, Crissiphone is thinking about getting out of this mess again!” tattled Ereickules, who was sitting on the other side of Ethan, who sat between the two.

The caps after a phrase are unnecessary. It should be lowercase. Also the description of his location was too wordy. Just say that he was beside Ethan.

That’s when Hades patience blew into oblivion. Telling Ethan to steer the flying bat horses, he moved into the back and took Ethan’s seat to scold the two.

I think bat-horses should be hyphenated.

While his dad was giving his little sibling a talking to, the fifteen year old Ethan smirked, not aware of his mother watching his every move. She saw the small smile and smacked him in the back of his strawberry blond head, hard.

You are constantly changing tenses. I've notice this before, but it seems prevalent here. You change it from past, current, and progressive. You really need to decide on a tense and stick to it. Changing tenses makes the piece seem choppy. I bolded all your verbs that are changing.

“What was that for?” He yelped.

Lower case once again.

Ethan was very free-spirited and always did as he was told. You could say he was a goody-two-shoes.

I found this ironic. Free-spirits are flighty people and it kind of contradicts "he always does as told" and "goody-two-shoes". I think you should scrap these descriptions because of this and because it's telling rather than showing.

The twin’s however were giggling uncontrollably at their drooling spaced out brother. All of a sudden the chariot landed at the entrance to the Meeting room. The impact sent Ethan flying into a un-fortunit Hermes, into the trees, who was coming to greet them.

It's twins and unfortunate. Also, the last sentence needs to be clarified. It sent Hermes and Ethan into the tree? It says "into the trees" which is quite vague. You should change the wording.

“Ereiclules, how many times do I have to tell you, don’t hurt yourself. Especially because of your bad right arm and left leg.” Hades said.

Originally you had been using "dialoge," said (character) now your using "dialog," (character) said. You should use "dialoge," said (character) at all times.

Ereick looked around to see who else had arrived. So far his grandmother and grandfather, Demeter and Dyonisus, Athena, Artemis, Hera and her four children, Dane, Dax, Jennifer and Riley, Ares, and Hermes were here. Barely half the Council still needed to arrive.

Change "barely" to "nearly".

He and his siblings were an odd bunch. Compared to their parents, Ethan was positive, like Persephone, Crissiphone: negative like Hades, and Ereick was completely neutral.

Nix this. Readers can figure this out themselves.

For an overall review I have to say this is much better than the prior draft, however, it's still rough. You constantly change tenses throughout the entire piece making it choppy. The dialog is also too casual for ancient Greeks and along with their actions -- the way you wrote this piece it had me believing that they were on a family road trip and we're going stop by at a family reunion along the way rather than an important council meeting. Also you're constantly changing between the sibling's POV which can be annoying at times. It has potential, but you just need to work on it some more.

Hi. Thought it was interesting, but it isn't something I would normally read. I was kind of forcing myself through it. I was confused at Crissiphone's first thoughts, because they were put as if she was speaking them. Thoughts typically go in Italics.

I felt like there were too many things left hanging... of course you might be taking care of them later. Such as: “Ereiclules, how many times do I have to tell you, don’t hurt yourself. Especially because of your bad right arm and left leg.” Hades said.How did he hurt his arm and leg? Why are they bad?

And I didn't like the way you put this: Just like her year younger twin brother Ereickules. Might want to work on that.

It was extremely creative though. I liked how you used actual God names and the whole Mount Olympus thing. That was cool.

One more thing: I would've liked to hear more about Crissiphone. I thought the story was going to be about her, but then all these other characters were put in and described--too fast, I felt like.

Keep writing. All in all, interesting.

Okay, let's get started!

Crissiphone muttered to herself as she rode on the chariot to the Council of the Gods. She had long black hair that fell to her waist, with small streaks of lavender on the bangs. Already at thirteen, she cared a lot about her apearrance. As much as she loved to show of her looks, now that she was no longer scared of everyone and took off that hideous mask of pure silver, she disliked having to dress properly for anything she didn’t want to do.

I am really sorry but you shouldn't give us an info dump right at the beginning. I've learned from experience and you shouldn't tell us a lot about her all at one time, it's just too much to take in.

For example: leaving

Just a comma here will do I think.

[quote].” Thought Crissiphone.[quote]

A comma after Crissiphone and only a majiscule "t".

[quote]A) Runaway, B) Complete your dreams as Megadon, or C) Live with it.”

When you mention the a's and b's in the dialogue, you don't need to add the brackets. (not sure)

Other than that I think that the edited version was much better! Good work!
Phebe!

Hey ST!

I think I like the other title more, but probably not for this type of story. This didn't seem very interesting. I found myself looking back down to see how much more I had to read. As the other had said, if your doing Greek mythology then please stick with the gods that are in the mythology. It's sort of confusing when you add new people.

Anyway... I think the edited version was a lot better! I liked the description of the person you put at the beginning. As well as the fact that this is about Greek mythology. Very good! Tell me when you write more!

UPDATED!!!!!!

R&R please!