Chapter One: Where It All Began

Chapter One: Where It All Began

It all began in New York City. Krista lived in the Park Ave. Hotel, on the fifteenth floor. Her parents were very wealthy. Her mother is banker, and her father is a lawyer. When Krista grows up she wants to be an actor. She can't stay away from the theater. It was her dream to become famous. Whenever her school put on a play, she was the lead. On the weekends she would practice her lines, instead of being with friends. Since she was so caught up in theater, she had barely any friends. Her only friend was here old best friend that had moved away to Louisiana. She was extremely depressed.

Anyway, Krista was walking towards home, when she heard a loud car horn. It sounded like there was a bad accident, just around the corner. Krista started to look around. Sure enough, there was an accident about 30 feet away from her. Krista ran to go see if they needed help. When Krista reached the car, she couldn't get the drivers door to open. As she tried to see who was in the car, the ambulance pulled up. As the cops tried to open the door, the medical people were getting the stretcher ready to be used. Right at the moment the person was being lifted onto the stretcher, she knew it was her father.

Krista ran towards home. She ran faster than she had ever run in her entire life. Running like there was no tomorrow, she ran into her mother on her way home from the grocery store. Her mother, Cindy, dropped her grocery bags and hugged her. She had not known what had happened to her daughter, but she knew it was bad. For, her daughter had never cried, or at least not that she knew of. Krista hadn't cried when her brother died. Or when her best friend moved away. She did not know what kind of horrible thing had made her daughter cry.

Cindy and Krista walked home in silence. As they got to their apartment door, Krista started to explain everything. She explained what she saw, and what she heard. Krista told her mother how she tried to help, but couldn't get the door open. When she got to the part where she was telling her mother about the person being lifted onto the stretcher. Her mother tried to calm her down.

She said things like, " It was probably someone who just looked like him." or, " They probably just had the same hair color."

Krista didn't believe her, she knew her father was the one in the accident.
Krista ran into her bedroom. Her room was really big. After all, her parents are wealthy. Her glass chandelier hung in the center of the ceiling. Cindy pays maids to clean Krista's room, so it was spotless. Krista had a video camera next to her desk. In one corner of her room, there was a mirror. Around the edges she put up pictures, mostly of her best friend, her brother, and her. She didn't get along with her parents very well. Her dad never even noticed when she was in her room, and her mother was to busy with work to care. Krista's bed comforter is gold. She has a arched window.

While Krista was in her room, she called the hospital. She asked if there was a John Benet there.

They said, " Yes, there is. May we ask why you want to know?"

Krista replied, " John is my father, and I thought I saw him get into a car accident today. I was just wondering if it was him, or if I was imagining things. Thank you very much."

When Krista hung up, her mother was knocking on her door.

" Krista, may I come in? I want to talk to you."

Krista did not feel like letting her mother in, but she did anyway. Cindy told Krista that she knew what she was going through. No she doesn't, thought Krista. Then her mother gave her a big hug, and went to go start dinner. Krista just sat there starring at the ceiling. Another horrible problem was just around the corner.

Chapter One: Where It All Began

It all began in New York City. Krista lived in the Park Ave. Hotel, on the fifteenth floor. Her parents were very wealthy. Why does she live in a hotel if her parents are wealthy?

Her mother is banker, and her father is a lawyer. When Krista grows up she wants to be an actor. She can't stay away from the theater. It was her dream to become famous. Whenever her school put on a play, she was the lead. On the weekends she would practice her lines, instead of being with friends. Since she was so caught up in theater, she had barely any friends. Her only friend was here old best friend that had moved away to Louisiana. She was extremely depressed. at first you build her up to be someone who is happily reaching for her dreams and then you just throw in the line about her being depressed. It doesnt quite fit with the character you've built so far

[s]Anyway[/s]Don't use the word anyways there, unless this story is written from another person's perspective and they are telling her story. 'anyways isn't good in third person

Krista was walking towards home, when she heard a loud car horn. It sounded like there was a bad accident, just around the corner. Krista started to look around. Sure enough, there was an accident about 30 feet away from her. first you say that it's around the corner, and then you say that she can see it from where she is. I would change it so that she runs around the corner and sees it

Krista ran to go see if they needed help. When Krista reached the car, she couldn't get the drivers door to open. As she tried to see who was in the car, the ambulance pulled up. As the cops tried to open the door, the medical people that's not very professional, the term is paramedics

were getting the stretcher ready [s]to be used[/s]. Right at the moment the person was being lifted onto the stretcher, she knew it was her father. ***

First, you totally skipped the issue of how they got the person out of the car.
Second, why couldn't she see who it was before?

Krista ran towards home.would she not stay to see how her father was? If he was even still alive?

She ran faster than she had ever run in her entire life. Running like there was no tomorrow, she ran into her mother on her way home from the grocery store. Her mother, Cindy, dropped her grocery bags and hugged her. She had not known what had happened to her daughter, but she knew it was bad. For, her daughter had never cried, or at least not that she knew of. Krista hadn't cried when her brother died. If she didn't cry when her brother died, why was she crying now??

Or when her best friend moved away. She did not know what kind of horrible thing had made her daughter cry.

Cindy and Krista walked home in silence. As they got to their apartment door, Krista started to explain everything. She explained what she saw, and what she heard. Krista told her mother how she tried to help, but couldn't get the door open. When she got to the part where she was telling her mother about the person being lifted onto the stretcher. Her mother tried to calm her down.

She said things like, " It was probably someone who just looked like him." or, " They probably just had the same hair color."
would her mother not care that her husband was possibly dead?

Krista didn't believe her, she knew her father was the one in the accident. How did she know?

Krista ran into her bedroom. Her room was really big. After all, her parents are wealthy. Her glass chandelier hung in the center of the ceiling. Cindy pays maids to clean Krista's room, so it was spotless. Krista had a video camera next to her desk. In one corner of her room, there was a mirror. Around the edges she put up pictures, mostly of her best friend, her brother, and her. She didn't get along with her parents very well. Her dad never even noticed when she was in her room, and her mother was to busy with work to care. Krista's bed comforter is gold. She has a arched window.

While Krista was in her room, she called the hospital. She asked if there was a John Benet there.

They said, " Yes, there is. May we ask why you want to know?"

Krista replied, " John is my father, and I thought I saw him get into a car accident today. I was just wondering if it was him, or if I was imagining things. Thank you very much."

When Krista hung up, her mother was knocking on her door.

" Krista, may I come in? I want to talk to you."

Krista did not feel like letting her mother in, but she did anyway. Cindy told Krista that she knew what she was going through. No she doesn't, thought Krista. Then her mother gave her a big hug, and went to go start dinner. Krista just sat there starring at the ceiling. Another horrible problem was just around the corner.a little explanation would be nice.

They seem very uncaring that he's in the hospital, why didn't they go to see him? And if she doesn't like her father so much, why does she care so much what happens to him?

PM me with questions/comments/concers/ if you write more!!

This was an interesting beginning, but in a way, I really didn't care about the characters.They need to be fleshed out more. Tell us more about Krista other than that acting is her life. Tell us about how she doesn't care about having friends, that she is stoic, anything. We don't care that she is an actor yet. We don't know anything about her

What is the conflict here? We know that her father has been in an accident, but why does Krista care? You say later that she hardly ever sees him. Plus, she doesn't even know if he is dead. I was a little confused by her reaction.

But your writing was good. In your style, you have talent. Congrats on that... Good luck with future works and welcome to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

Please post two reviews before you submit a piece of work. This way, everyone gets a review.

It all began in New York City. Krista lived in the Park Ave. Hotel, on the fifteenth floor. Her parents were very wealthy. Her mother is banker, and her father is a lawyer. When Krista grows up she wants to be an actor. She can't stay away from the theater. It was her dream to become famous. Whenever her school put on a play, she was the lead. On the weekends she would practice her lines, instead of being with friends. Since she was so caught up in theater, she had barely any friends. Her only friend was here old best friend that had moved away to Louisiana. She was extremely depressed.

This is an info-dump. Her dreams, ambitions, and past are completely irrelevant. What is relevant is what she is happening currently. Focus on that, not her baggage. The last line is calculated to make us pity your character. Usually, people want to crush, not comfort, these characters.

Next paragraph.

Anyway, Krista was walking towards home, when she heard a loud car horn. It sounded like there was a bad accident, just around the corner. Krista started to look around. Sure enough, there was an accident about 30 feet away from her. Krista ran to go see if they needed help. When Krista reached the car, she couldn't get the drivers door to open. As she tried to see who was in the car, the ambulance pulled up. As the cops tried to open the door, the medical people were getting the stretcher ready to be used. Right at the moment the person was being lifted onto the stretcher, she knew it was her father.

More emotional scenery. The sentences don't fully describe what they ought to. A loud car horn, especially in a city, isn't very out of place. The sound of a collision is more than a mere car horn.

I notice that Krista started to look around, but never finished looking. She also tries to open a door, but never bothers to look inside to see who is inside. It also assumes that the glass hasn't shattered from the collision. I think it is rather unusual, on the whole, for a child to approach the scene of an accident without feeling a little sick.

But you accomplished your purpose, to kill the father.

Krista ran towards home. She ran faster than she had ever run in her entire life. Running like there was no tomorrow, she ran into her mother on her way home from the grocery store. Her mother, Cindy, dropped her grocery bags and hugged her. She had not known what had happened to her daughter, but she knew it was bad. For, her daughter had never cried, or at least not that she knew of. Krista hadn't cried when her brother died. Or when her best friend moved away. She did not know what kind of horrible thing had made her daughter cry.

Is it natural for her not to cry? If she wouldn't cry for her brother, then why should we believe her to be capable of caring for her father? There is no need to emphasize the gravity of the situation. A crying child is more than sufficient.

Cindy and Krista walked home in silence. As they got to their apartment door, Krista started to explain everything. She explained what she saw, and what she heard. Krista told her mother how she tried to help, but couldn't get the door open. When she got to the part where she was telling her mother about the person being lifted onto the stretcher. Her mother tried to calm her down.

Who is Cindy? Why would they walk in such formal silence? Your character is not convincing at all. You make it sound like Krista got suspended from school, instead of being the witness to a violent traffic collisions.

Hi, and welcome to YWS!

I was wondering on two main points. You have her active in all these drama organizations and plays, and yet she doesn't have many friends? This doesn't seem to add up. I know some drama nerds and, although they hang out with only each other, they still hang out. So this antisocial behavior doesn't really fit in with what she seems to be.

Also, you leave us off on a cliffhanger! What happens to her father? How does her mother find out that what happened to her husband? Does she scream? Go crazy? Why doesn't Krista tell her about the phone call she made to the hospital? Why did she not cry when her brother died?

You have a lot of loose ends in this story that you need to clean up. So right now you've set up all the drama. The next question? What happens next?

Good luck with finishing this story!

The story seems quite interesting and I'd like to read more. The only thing is that your 'telling' the story too much. Its sort of like 'Krista did this and then krista did that'. This prevents the reader from full access to the characters personality, thoughts and emotions. Other than that, its pretty awesome. cant wait to read more

This is good writing. I like the suspense.

Anyways. You might want to do 2 reviews before you move any further because those are the rules...

Only one question: where does the fantasy come in..If there was any I missed it.

Still good writing

good luck.

U.Dub.

The character is really that kind of person who most people don't like and don't want to comfort or help. The weak, rich little daughter of wealthy parents, always the subject of romance novels and pity parties. I think you should really check to see if this character is even worth saving and worth detailing, it sounds like she's self-destructive and too immature to even be in a fantasy story.

If you were to write something like Snow White or another classic story and put Krista in it, she'd be terrible and probably lash out at everything with her depression and play the role of a victim. The character annoys me and that is never good for a main character to be annoying, readers won't read over that alone.

Okay not to be harsh or anything but you need more background info.

Like why didn't she cry when her brother died and Is Cindy her mother some how thats unclear to me?(If you said it sorry must of missed it.

On a bright when you included detail it was really clear, also you leave us at such a suspense we want to read more(at least I do). You have got lots of talent, so keep using it!

~Rory