As you can see from crits this story wasn't original or exciting. I decided to make a whole new story. check it out
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Good luck!
UNiiV3RSALWRiiT3R wrote:A young boy with awakened at dawn for his studies he had to attend to. (what the heck?! I don't understand that last sentance at all, and that's the last thing you want for your first sentance. Could you clean that up a bit please? I thinks it's mostly the 'with' that's throwing me off...) He showered, then put his black and olive green cloak on before he took off for the library. It was a rainy morning, so Severis tossed his hood over his silver and unkept hair. Severis slowly walked toward the "Sorcery" section of the library. He noticed a boy looking in the same section as himself. From his immediate appearance he did not seem like he would be a skillful sorcerer. Not making much of it, Severis sat down at his table. He read about sorcery because he wanted to be a talented sorcerer like his father, just not for the same reason.
Young sorcerer Severis had evil roots in his family tree. When he realized this he began to question his righteous endeavors around his village. His uncles have wiped famous warlords off of the face of the Earth. Severis had pure darkness in every corner of his family. He had murderous thoughts but, he managed to keep those sinful thoughts inside of his soul. He ignored those thoughts and continued to march on the path of righteousness, a path of which his father did not approve.
His father, also a sorcerer, had trained Severis to be merciless--one who brutalized anyone who stepped in his path to greatness. He would take Severis out to the Pennithia forests to defend himself against fierce trolls. Severis wanted greatness but, he did not want to have to kill people in order to gain the greatness. Severis saw the unspeakable consequences that dark warlocks earned themselves by carrying out regretful deeds and wanted no part of it. Severis did not want to follow in the dreadful footsteps of his father but, the Book of Symphenia begged the differ. The book quoted “One’s desires shall not overcome one’s seed who planted them.” This is what we call an info dump, mate. An info dump is what happens when the writer decides to shove as much background/description down the readers throat. An info dump normally takes up it's own, separate paragraph(s). Most readers will skip over info dumps, often missing important information, thus plunging them into cunfusion later on. Find a way to spread things out.
Severis greatly believed those honorable words were just for his eyes to read upon. He took those words into great consideration until they deeply sank into his brain. The Book of Symphenia also read “When confused turn to the temple of Renaissance.” The temple of rebirth as some villager called it was located two-hundred-fifty-one miles to the west. Severis made up his mind that he would do just as the book said. He educated his father of his bold intent. His father quickly reminded him of the soul-seeker who haunt the plains. Soul-seekers are ghouls who feast on the souls of passerby. Severis knew that he was quite able to defend himself because whenever he had spare time he read the Book of Sorcery. The Book of Sorcery taught him spells that were illegal in his village so this adventure was just what he wanted to test those spells.
That night, Severis made sure he got a long rest before he was off to the temple. The next morning he embarked upon his journey with a Wyvern he captured himself on the plains of Dantopia. The Wyvern was his real friend despite the town's people who thanked him for his deeds. The farmers were outside in their gardens taking care of their crops. Severis flew onto his black Wyvern who had red determined eyes using his levitation spell. The Wyvern flapped its wings into the horizons of the dirt road. Who knows what awaits him on the pilgrimage he is bound to surmount. note on the wyvern: I can't see him. How big is he? What does he look like? How many limbs does he have? (I have read several books where the dragon has eight limbs--six legs and two wings--while others have two--two wings and no legs.) Assume we know nothing about wyverns. if i said, "Severis flew onto his black leviathan who had red determined eyes using his levitation spell", you wouldn't know what I meant, would you? I know what a leviathan is, but it's a very obscure mythical creature with many appearances, and I would confuse my reader by describing it only by name.
Winds sounded and fearful screams were on the tip on hundreds of tongues. Dark energy concentrated [s]onto[/s]in the palm of a shady and gloomy figure. He twirled his hands and forced the energy into the crowds of helpless villagers. Many burned, froze, and were electrocuted. The being brought terror to innocent villagers in desires of world domination.[might sound better as 'all for the desire of world...'] He moved from village to village,[comma] leaving each in flames. He summoned fierce tornadoes and made natural disasters. He focused energy into his palm once again and jolted it at young boy.
Sevvys rose abruptly out of bed with fear in his eyes and tears running down his cheeks--he had [I think it's suposed to be 'he had had a nightmare, since it's past past tense] a nightmare. He laid back in bed to get himself together. [oops! The transition between these phrases is missing. We think he's lying down for a bit...but hes showering? Try adding something like 'finally he rose...'] He showered, then extended his arms through the sleeves of his black and olive green cloak [s]on[/s] before he took off for the library. It was a rainy morning, so Sevvys tossed his hood over his silver and unkept hair. Sevvys slowly walked toward the "Sorcery" section of the library. He skimmed through titles he knew nothing of. He noticed a boy looking in the same section as himself. From his immediate appearance [s]he[/s]the boy did not seem like he would be a skillful sorcerer. More importantly he resembled [s]a[/s]the boy he'd witnessed his father kill in his dream [?]. His father killed him because he stood before him trying to defend his defenseless mother. This memory made him frustrated and reminded him of the cruelness of his father. He clinched his fist and began to throw and slam objects angrily. [WOW. Very sudden change of emotion. It also doesn't blend in to the next phrase because if he's angry we'd expect to hear something like 'he hated his father'. If you want to keep it the way it is, try putting something like 'when he calmed down....' in between these two phrases. Also, how did the boy react to this sudden outburst? Had any one else noticed?] He read[maybe say 'learned' or 'mastered', since just reading about sorcery does not a sorcerer make] about sorcery because he wanted to be a talented sorcerer like his father, just not for the same reason.
Young [s]sorcerer[/s][you don't need to say sorcerer, since you just told us he was learning sorcery] Sevvys had evil roots in his family tree. When he realized this he began to question his righteous endeavors around his village. He remembered how great it had felt when he'd rescued a senior villager from a soul-seeker. The woman [s]was[/s]had been watering her garden when a seeker in the form of a oversized Venus Flytrap camoflauged itself in her garden. He thought "I came at just the right time--before it clinched its jaw on her." Sevvys cast the Burn spell on it and it fell to ash. Sevvys firmly remembered [s]these[/s]her[/s] words; "Thank you.Thank you. You are a brave young man". [b][return!]
Since then he thought of himself as brave. His family was just the opposite, his uncles had wiped warlords off of the face of the Earth.[but isn't facing warlords 'brave'? Just because you're doing something bad doesn't mean you're nt brave. try justifying how these actions make his uncle unbrave] Sevvys had pure darkness in every corner of his family. He had murderous thoughts but, he managed to keep those sinful thoughts inside of his soul.[You could say '...but he manged to keep the inside his soul' <since you already said they were bad thoughts there's no need to repeat it in the sentence] He ignored those thoughts and continued to march on the path of righteousness, a path of which his father did not approve. Sevvys was so furious that his father tried to choose his life. He turned the page in his book and ended up ripping it. He was fed up with his father making his descisions. [o_O What book? You didn't tell us he was reading a book! Last thing we know he was having a fit!]
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