Okay I shall begin Aedomir. Most of major things been pointed out before me. You've still not fixed this.
a jet black ground had burnt from the ice
WTF! What is this, I've no image do you mean a hole, a crater, a interdimesional portal? Seriously I'm confused like Errant. You're trying to be too articulate and frankly it's coming out like garbage here. I'm trying to help just wordiness isn't everything if it's simple keep it simple.
This part just makes me laugh... sorry..
heaving swords handle first towards the now charging swarms.
I've yet to see anyone waving sword blade first, they're either incrediably suicidal if they do or stupid. The point is it's uneeded expression. We know how to use a sword. Just cut out handle first.
Overall you did a great battle scene, I liked it, just those few things and others done the rest. I'll now read chapter 2.
Good luck
VSN
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
So there were a couple mistakes many people pointed out that you still didn't fix, like "dieing", and many more. Another thing that sort of annoyed me is " The Guardian would be ready soon… just keep holding… seven minutes… eight... He threw his sword-grasped fist into the air. " This was sort of all over the place. Maybe if you write the seconds in separate paragraphs, it could work.
This was okay. Normally, I don't like Fantasy Fiction, but this was good. Your style was very distinct and certainly Tolkien-like, though I am not saying that it's a good thing.
Mostly, I think that this story isn't the least original. Those names are too "fantasy", and it seems almost like the next Eragon.
Sorry...but truly, you should stick to originality, rather than imitation.
To be fair, I wrote this AGES ago. Believe me, it has come a long way since. I don't go for imitation, can I just say. If my style is similar to Tolkien's then so be it. Thanks though.
There's nothing wrong with being Tolkien-like, his style was world building rather then Epic fantasy. This is good, I liked it, but it seems so has everyone else in here. I decided to start reviewing your stuff from the beginning, since it makes more sense also. You have 12 pieces up now, that's pretty good, I've flipped through some of them before, but I couldn't help but notice a few things. You always seem to go for description rather then emotional writing, that is probably the greatest weak point I can find.
What is it like to be in battle, why are they compelled to fight. Also... everything Vernon said, which is taking from Errant, should be fixed up. I'm glad you keep putting up more of the story, but please make some corrections!
Don't worry, Ia am rewriting chapter one entirely. And you may find the piece in the Advanced Critques to be of more help, it includes the entire first 7 parts + a new chapter.
Which do you prefer Mark or Aedomir? Well anyways Hi!! I haven't critiqued any of your work yet sorry, but I am not much of a critique artist. To get to the point I had promised myself that I would comment more on your writings so here I am. I must say that you have an artists hand. You painted the picture of the battle quite magically. I'm going to keep on reading.
P.S. You may remember me under the name Summer,
P.S.S Sorry about the long comment, its a habit of mine.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
