Ayra's attempt at poetry- Nameless

The lines to this poem came to me last night...please critique!
p.S. This is my first real poem on YWS, so don't kill me, okay?
--------------------
The sky is grey outside my window
Stormy with fear and anger
My fear, my anger.
My fault.

The floor is hot beneath my cold skin
Burning like shame
My shame.

My tears are frozen
Drowned in a pool of lost hope
My hope, lost today

No one to blame but myself
Self-pity like acid
Heatless needles prickling my skin
Only me to blame.

Single ray of sunshine
Golden forgiveness
Shines through the clouds
I am forgiven.

Skin unfreezing, breath, alive once more.
Relief like cool rain
Bliss
I step out the door and embrace the dawn.
---------------
I think it might be a little cliche, but, what the heck. It's not like I want this published or anything.

THE EDIT:

The sky outside my window is grey
Stormy with fear and anger
My fear, my anger,
My fault.

Clouds, swirling steel edges
The colour of his eyes
Out my window
Seen through glass,
they are cold like stones.

The floor beneath me is hot
Burning like shame
My shame.

I can remember
The accusing eyes
His accusing eyes
Strip me raw and scald my spirit
Make me feel awful for something
I never did.

My tears are frozen
Drowned in a pool of lost hope
My hope, lost today.

Blown away with the wind of his voice
Like daggers to my ears
Sharp, ruthless
Cruel.

He knew
I thought
I did something wrong
Never tried to correct me,
just drown my hope.

No one to blame but myself
Self-pity like acid
Heatless needles prickling my skin
Only me to blame.

But there is always
something
He would miss;
Realizes his mistake
An apologetic glance
Bliss like cool water

I am forgiven
A single ray of sunshine
Through the clouds
Softening his eyes
And I know;
I am forgiven,
Even though there was
nothing to blame me for
In the first place.
---------------------
Well, this poem is obviously above *shudders* love. I haven't [yet] experienced something like what I described in my...erm, poem, so that's why it sounds so...odd.

Ayra,


Future attempts should be grounded in reality. More concrete images, less abstract nonsense about puddles of hope and rays of forgiveness.

Not a lot to be excited by.


Best,
Brad

I agree with Brad - not a lot to be excited by. But a good attempt for your first real poem here

I liked your imagery and the concept behind the piece, but I felt it lacked depth. It was kind of a grocery list - reciting what you could see/feel and attaching it to a relevant emotion. You're also right in that it was cliche. We all learn to associate the rain with sadness, storms with anger, etc. What I'd like to see is a poem associating storms with happiness, or rain with release and freedom - something different, you know?

A good trick to get some interesting associations and imagery is to think of what you want to talk about (e.g. grief) and then brainstorm some of the things you associate with it (say, rain, darkness, graveyards) and then resolve not to use those things directly. Force yourself to go beyond the things you think of first, or even try inverting them, so that you write about sunshine, light and playgrounds but still manage to convey a sense of emotion. It will make your poem that much stronger for it.

I also think you could work on your rhythm a little more. There is little to connect the stanzas of this poem together except for a shared theme, and each one just seems to be variations on that theme (blame/blame/blame/blame/forgiveness/forgiveness). With a little bit more crafting, you could better connect them through rhythm so that the poem tells a coherent story. You might want to try reading it out loud, that sometimes helps.

Anyway, play with the poem a bit and see what you come up with.

Happy editing!
~bubbles

Pretty good for a first attempt. I liked this part a lot:

My fear, my anger.
My fault.

I do agree that it wasn't all that exciting or special, though, not that I'd say it was cliche... but... I dunno. Work with it some more.

--Quippie

Thanks
I'm going to edit it this weekend, but I definitely can't promise any real improvement. Why, In fact, I just re-read my poem and burst out laughing! But I always laugh at random things.
Anyways,
Thanks for the review,
.:Ayra:.
P•S• - In your signature, 'wouldnt' should be wouldn't

Much can be gained from editing. I tend to gravitate towards poetry and therefore, get a little more harsh when it comes to the art of verse. (I don't claim to be a great poet, but I do recognize a lot of the mechanics of poetry...) It was a simple piece, but i think that given the circumstances, "nothing to get excited about" is way too harsh. The poem needs work, but not bad for a spontaneous first try. There is something about the first two stanzas that just click, like diamonds in the rough, however, that gets lost as the piece progresses.
Stanza one: the first line should end with a comma. The second line might do well with an ellipses. The third should have a comma instead of a period and the next line should have the period
Stanza two: Line one needs a comma, as does line two. I'm a little lost as to why you should only have a three line stanza here. Aside from the next stanza, you have no repitition of the irregularity. I would consider changing that.
Stanza three: Commas, commas, commas. Punctuation in poetry works like would in a sentence. I don't think the 'lost today' fits. It'd work better if you left it with the possesive hope; it matches the previous precedent set-up.
Stanza four:The first two lines are just floating around. They don't have a strong tie to the following lines and don't even make much sense grammatically. It is also in this stanza where you lose the possesive noun ending. All of your other stanzas end with "my---" and that's part of it's charm...
Stanza five: Lacking in an article here. You open with a floating line and end with one, also. Try using grammar or punctuation to fix it or just change the ides behind the lines.
Last stanza: Thaw would be a good substitue for unfreezing. It is a fragment, though and does not make too much sense. The second line would do well to have and adverb before the 'like'. Do something with the thrid line.

It is a good attempt. I hope you take something away from these comments and please, please PM when you come to writing another poem. I'd love to read it. 'Does me heart to see budding poets. Poetry is a dying art. You have some raw potential so keep on plugging away!

Nice rythm! I think overall it flowed pretty smoothly. THe one comment I have, besides the ones already posted, was that there seems to be a very quick transition between guilt/ self pity/fear/anger, into Hope/forgiveness/joy. Maybe add another stanza?

Oh, yay, Ayra--your first poem!

I have to agree with everybody else, but I think that this is stunning for your first poem. (You don't want to see my first poetry--gag. )

Anyway, I think that you should work on tying your lines together, because they sound choppy right now. Also, you say your tears were drowned in a puddle. Is it just me, or is water water-intolerant? Just a little thing to ponder...

You have some good imagery, and near the end of the poem I really got into it. I can't wait to read more of your poetry!

Thanks Fangala!
I'll work on that..I have a word document where I am editing it but I'm not quite done yet.

Another thing to consider!

Right now, your poem sounds like you're in stop and go traffic. Which probably isn't good. Don't break up your poem with what you're feeling. Instead, trust your reader to know what your feeling, because the situation you describe is so real to them that they can see themselves in your situation.

Can't wait to see the edit.

Ok, the edit is up. I don't know how much better it is, but...yeah.

Very nice work!
I really like it!

Thanks!

Keep on writing!

The abstract imagery is really really cliche.

In the first stanza I liked the finality of:

My fear, my anger.
My fault.

, but I think that the poem should either end here or that that format should really just be used for the last stanza, or the first stanza if the rest were elaboration.