Wild Heart

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This is just the first part. Please review!
If people like it I will post the first chapter. [EDIT] You can get to it here:
post241862.html#241862



Prologue




She ran, faster and faster, towards the approaching herd of caribou. The large brown mass morphed into separate shapes: feet, ears, churning hooves. Her eyes searched left; she saw an ink-black wolf, the largest of the pack, the alpha. She curved quickly to the right, separating a caribou from the rest of its herd. The animal moved with a painful –looking limp. Blood oozed from a long gash on its left foreleg. The other members of the pack closed in, setting the ambush into effect. The injured animal was trapped between the lake and the wolves. The caribou hesitated only momentarily, then leaped over the horsetails standing sentinel on the lake shore. The animal’s pumping legs carried her quickly far out into the lake. The wolves gathered by the shore’s edge, and after a series of silent signals from the alpha, half of the pack disappeared into the thick brush.

She padded along after the alpha male, following a well worn track through gooseberry bushes, black spruce and jack pine. Something made her stop, her breath momentarily suspended as she listened, ears twitching first forward and then behind. An inexplicable sense of foreboding made her walk faster, eyes darting from side to side. She stopped and scented the breeze. She detected a slightly acrid, metallic smell. Too late to leap out of harm’s way, she saw a flash of metal and almost immediately felt a searing pain lance up her foreleg. Everything went black.
Last edited by canislupis on Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Fist off, we need to know who "she" is. Is it a wolf?
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




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Ooh! This again! I LOOOOVE this piece! I'm glad to see that you're still working on it! (okay, I really need to stop using so many exclamation points)

Kyte: you just wait. You will soon learn why we don't know who "she" is.:wink:

The large brown mass started to turn into shapes, feet, ears, etc. She looked to her left, and there was a jet-black wolf, the largest of the pack, the alpha.

First sentence: I don't like etcetera (etc) in fiction. Especially in this kind of piece. A simple reword will do here.
Second sentence: Make it "...the largest of the pack; the alpha." Semi-colon, not period after "pack"


It was bleeding from a long gash on one side, and had a painful –looking limp.

I think you should say "pained" rather than "painful-looking"

In the end, you might want her to hear the gunshot??

Post more, post more, post more, post more, post more, post more, post more, post more, post more, post more!!!!!!!!!

~Azila




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Ehhhmmm...Well I will echo what you said about the first paragraph of my story: make it more interesting so it drags your reader in more, because it's kind of boring.

Also, you should probably split it into more paragraphs...

I'm also forced to raise the question: Why should anybody particularly care about caribou?




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thanks everybody, for the reviews.


Kyte:You'll see! This is the prologue, and I didn't want all of it to make sense.

Azila: thanks for the review! I'll keep your suggestions in mind for the edit. About the gunshot, I was thinking that there wouldn't even actually be a person there. I was thinking that her leg would have been caught in a trap, or something more along those lines. If you have any suggestions on how to elaborate on this please let me know.

Misty: thanks. Isn't it anoying when someone needs her own advice? :)
I think I am going to reword this whole thing again anyway.
There is no reason why you should really care about the caribou. I meant them to be more background and scenery as the beggining of the story.

thanks again for the reviews. Do you think I should post the next part?




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I love this. I do agree with Misty that you should suck the reader in more, though. Didn't you put this in the beginning of "Chap1"??

Anyway, keep up the good work, canis!

~Azila~




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Hey! I haven't read the stuff before this, but I thought it was really good. It moved at a reasonable pace, and I didn't seen any spelling or stuff. Good job! I liked it alot! If you post more, PM me!!!

Always willing to read your stuff!


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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That was really cool!
I love wolves--actually, I'm working on a story called 'Wolf Heart' :P
Azila already mentioned all the things I noticed, so I haven't got anything, well, anything constructive to say...:(
But anyways, Great work! I want to read more of this!
Keep writing,
.:Ayra:.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html




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Ayra wrote:But anyways, Great work! I want to read more of this!

Do read more of it, then! The first and second chapters are posted here in Other Fiction.


~Azila~
Part of the Wild Heart Advertising Team :lol: (JK)




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Eep... I think the prologue should probably be scraped and you should keep the first chapter instead, as the beginning point. This prologue is slightly confusing at the moment, and I'm sure you can do it much more justice towards middle somewhere, just so you can make sure that your middle is as exciting as ever. :)

Like, for example, I had this prologue-y thing for one of my stories, and it confused a lot of people, so rather than deleting it entirely, I moved it to another chapter, and suddenly it made a lot more sense and the beginning was improved because of it.

I think you may want to do this too. :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Thanks all! I've also posted two bits after this, if you want to read them.

Snoink: Thanks! I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind. I used this for NaNo, and am finished now. I am currently in the edit stage, so maybe I will get rid of this when I get around to the first chapter.

Bigbadbear: This is the first part!! :lol: I think I will PM you....

Ayra: Please do read the other ones! I really want more reviews. :D

Azila: Thanks!!!!!




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Woohoo! I love wolf stories.

This is a beautiful piece, and I really can't see anything wrong with it. My only complaint is the italics. Don't get me wrong; I love italics, but I can't stand whole segments written in it. It's hard to read.

Anyways, I can't wait to read more. In fact, that's what I'm going to do right now.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Nice :D

I think you should explain your surroundings a little more!




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Thanks! I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind.

Gwenevire: Good Idea! I'll get to work on that.... :D

Fangala: Yeah, I know. Sorry it was hard to read, but the separation of dreams vs. reality gets important later on. If you have any suggestions, feel free to tell me! Thanks for the review.



“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell