Bullying

What is it that keeps the world together?
Is it the fact that we were all born to do one thing and one thing alone?
To live life with all its ups and downs,
its spitefulness and its lies?
Or maybe to be optimistic towards it all?
Yet I can't see how any one could live with all the pain and suffering in this world.
Not just with animal cruelty or even child cruelty,
but being insensitive towards others,
And just to make themselves feel better.
I can't say i'm perfect but I know first hand what bullying can do.
If I could hang my head high and pretend I was alright,
I would.


Look at http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=228869#228869 For own experience.

Be sure to capitalize the pronoun "I".

This has a few problems:

1. You do a lot of telling, and practically no showing.

2. Navel-gazing

3. What is the difference between this and a piece of prose about the same thing? Not much, it's just with line breaks, and that doesn't help or hurt the poem.

It's really hard to convey emotions in poetry, and it's even harder when you are trying to preach also. Try writing about an actual event that captures the feelings, which will help the reader to feel. You want the reader to feel with you.

I also have to say, though bullying is a big deal with many people, it isn't new. What are you writing about bullying that hasn't been heard before?

Best of luck.

I believe this isn't poetry-like at all, it sounds more like a non-fictional piece merely explaining an opinion? Most of it has to do with the structure and the lack of flow. You say everything straight-forward. There's nothing poetic to it. Also please capitalize your I's

I'd suggest you take a look at these articles and expand your knowledge for "a next time better experience"

kb.php?cat_id=7

Nice try and all the best

Cheerios, Chandni

I have to say I agree - this is far too prosaic to really work as a piece of poetry. I know what bullying is like, but even I dont feel much sympathy with poems about bullies anymore because mostly they dont say anything I havent heard before.

Basically what you want to do in this instance is engage your reader. Your use of questions stimulates the mind, to an extent, but not the emotions; they also read very much like a list, and thsi detracts from the poem. If I were you, I'd revise this without the questions and with a lot more imagery. It might work better if you actually described an instance of bullying, or how it made you feel. It's difficult, I know, to write out emotions on paper, but I'm sure if you practice you'll find a style that works for you.

A final piece of advice: be more creative! The great thing about poetry is tht there's no need to approach a subject head-on. Try something subtle and see where it takes you.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I agree with the others, this sounds alot more like a thought bubble more than anything and it is a topic tackled many time before. But then again every topic has pretty much been covered to a certain extent, you just have to add a new twist to it.

And as far as the "i"s go, it depends on why you used them. If you were just typing and thought that it would be easier to leave them like that, then change them. But if they are a metaphor for something else, then make it clear as a side note in the beginning so that others understand

But from the inconsistency of your capitalization I don't think that is the case.

This is not poetry. This is basically a rant that asks a lot of questions and then tells you that bullying is bad. Mind you, I'm not saying that this topic (bullying) cannot be used for poetry -- I have read some excellent poems that uses bullies as a basis, for example, A Study of Reading Habits by Philip Larkin.

The difference between that poem and yours is that his poem uses bullies in a very subtle way -- indeed, he doesn't even mention the word "bully" and his poem, upon first glance, seems to have nothing to do with bullying at all. But then, upon rereading, you'll see that bullying has pushed the narrator into books and basically disconnected him with any form of real life until he can't stand reading since he sees himself as the coward. A very subtle message, but one that strikes you hard, because it isn't about how much bullying sucks -- it's about how much bullying can affect your life. So instead of just dealing with an abstract idea, it punches you in the stomach.

Your poem, on the other hand, doesn't know subtlety. The narrator of this poem basically pummeling the message that bullying is bad and it affects the reader. But, since there is nothing concrete to attach to except what the narrator experiences (and the narrator only tells us feelings -- not what happens) then it's very hard to get attached to this poem.

Keep the poem, but try to redraft it. What is something you want to say about bullies, and how can you express yourself? Would you like to recount an actual experience to drive home your message? Or maybe you can put yourself in a different position (the bully, perhaps) to get a different flavor for what bullying is? Have fun with it! This is a cool subject to play with, poetically speaking.