Daddy's Baby Ruth

Dear Daddy,

Why was Mommy crying?

You see, Daddy, Mommy started crying on my birthday yesterday. Her big, fat tears were dropping onto my chocolate cake. I started crying ‘cause I thought my cake would be too wet to eat. I asked Mommy when you would be coming home to eat the cake with us, but she just cried harder and ran up to her bedroom.

Daddy, I want you to come home soooo much! At our table where we always eat my cake, there’s three chairs. If there’s three chairs, then there’s supposed to be three people, right? Well, there’s only two people, and that’s Mommy and me. I sit in the chair with the sparkly pink cushion, and she sits in the one with the blue cushion. The other chair has a green cushion on it. Sometimes Mommy brings home another growed up man to sit in that chair, but most times it’s empty. I always thought it should be your chair, Daddy, but I’d never tell Mommy that. I don’t want to make her cry again.

And if you come home, Daddy, I betcha my new baseball bat that Mommy would stop crying whenever she turns on those videos. Sometimes when I catch her in front of the TV, she’ll pull me onto her lap and stroke my hair. She always points to this blonde man in the videos and says that I smile just like him. But I don’t wanna smile like him. I mean, he’s a nice man, but--well, Daddy, I wanna smile like you.

Maybe I smile like Mommy instead. I wouldn’t mind that. But I know one thing that I do like you. I throw a baseball better than any kid on my street! Even Jenny Wilkins said I throw better than her brother Tommy, and Tommy’s the bestest player on Wilcox Street and Mulberry Lane, which is the next block over (where Marie lives). Mommy once showed me a lot of old photo albums, and a lot of them were just old people. But I found one of a bunch of boys in baseball uniforms, and Mommy told me that it was your baseball team after the year you’d won first place! I was so proud of you, Daddy, and I know you’d be proud of me, too. My team just won our first game on my birthday yesterday, and I got three hits! Coach told me I’d be the first Babe Ruth in softball. Whoever Babe Ruth is, I hope she’s as good as the candy bar!

Have you ever had a Baby Ruth, Daddy? They’re the bestest candy ever! Mommy says that they’re her favorite candy bar, too, and she loves them so much that she named me after one. She told me that it was your mom’s name, too, Daddy, so I guess two people were happy with my name--Grandma and the Baby Ruth maker!

I want to tell you about one more thing ‘fore I have to go to bed. Yesterday, me and Mommy went to go feed the ducks some of my chocolate cake. We even left some of the pink sprinkles on! I feel so bad seeing the ducks getting all wet when it rains, so I like to give them some of my chocolate cake so they can be happy for at least a little while, too.

Mommy and I saw a baby duck with a funny looking foot. It didn’t swim very well. All the bigger ducks got to the cake before the baby duck could, so I took out my super-size Baby Ruth and threw two little pieces right in front of the baby duck. I think he smiled at me, but Mommy said I must have imagined it ‘cause ducks don’t smile.

Daddy, will you come home and feed the ducks with me and Mommy? We’ll save an extra piece of cake for you (I’m sure the ducks won’t mind), and I’ll make sure it’s the piece with the most pink sprinkles on it.

You know, whenever Mommy looks at the sky, she says she thinks of you ‘cause the last time she saw you, you were waving to her from the plane window. I think of you when I see ducks and Baby Ruths and pink sprinkles. Do you ever think of me?

Next year, I’ll make sure Mommy sets a place at the table for you, Daddy. After we’re done eating cake, we can go feed the ducks some of it. I’m sure that the baby duck will want some pink sprinkles, so I’ll save some of my piece for him. I’ll give all the ducks some Baby Ruth, too. But you know what, Daddy? I’ll let you give the candy to the baby duck. Maybe he’ll smile at you, too.

Love,
Your Baby Ruth

This was such a sweet story! I got goosebumps at the end! *looks at arm* many goosebumps...they're big! Anyway, very well written. Not much typos, though a few suggestions I would like to make:

If there’s three chairs, then there’s supposed to be three people, right? Well, there’s only two, and that’s Mommy and me

How about "there's only two people" 'cause otherwise, it could sound like "two chairs." I don't think you're goin' for that.

...happy with my name-Grandma and the Baby Ruth maker

I suggest this a lot, and I don't know if anyone considers it. I really don't mind, but this is what I do. Anyway, that dash in the middle of your sentence...you only have one which makes the word look like "name-grandma"--one word instead of two words. You see what I mean? How about putting two dashes (--) between the words to show separation. (In Microsoft Word, it would change into one humungo dash) You can ignore this if you'd like, but it's a suggestion that may help comprehension.

...ducks some of my chocolate cake. (We even left some of the pink sprinkles on.)

Hmm...I'm not sure what the correct way is. Anyone can correct me whenever they feel like. You can take out the period at the end of the sentence inside the parentheses () and move the period after cake after the parentheses. It would look like this:

"...ducks some of my chocolate cake (we even left some of the pink sprinkles on)."

I can't remember if the period goes after cake or the parentheses...but my example looks right. *tilts head*

Next year, I’ll make sure Mommy sets a place at the table for you, Daddy. After we’re done eating cake, we can go feed the ducks some of it. I’m sure that the baby duck will want some pink sprinkles, so I’ll save some of my piece for him. I’ll give all the ducks some Baby Ruth, too. But you know what, Daddy? I’ll let you give the candy to the baby duck. Maybe he’ll smile at you, too.

Beautiful ending! This was where my goosebumps grew to be humungo. I love your tie back to the baby duck. It was just so beautiful!! *claps* Bravo!!

Overall, it was so lovely. This is an amazing piece! Good job! Bravo! Um...okay, i gotta wrap things up before I get in trouble. XD

Oh, I like how you used the little kid language jargen...thingy...yeah. *can't think of the right word* Jargen? *shrugs*

Any questions, PM me! I'm willing to help!!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I love it, it is soo sweet. I don't really have anything constructive to say, but I love it how there were all these strands running thru the story - the cake, the name, the duck. I think you've done it really well.

Hey, Wiggy!

Very cute story- you've got the little kid speech down pat. And I loved it how it wasn't too sappy, and didn't go on and on about confusion and the mom crying. Most of it was happy and sweet, and the ending was unexpected...he died in a plane crash? I don't know, that could be interpreted in many ways. It reminded me of when that Yankees team plane crashed- I don't remember quite when. It wasn't too long ago.

One thing: the gender of the kid confused me. He/she is either a very effeminate boy or a girl with very varied tastes. Having a deep, interesting character is good, but not to the point where we need gender clarification.

If he/she's a girl, here's what confused me- the Mom saying she smiled just like the blonde man on television. That sort of implies that she is like a little boy version of her father, which made things confusing.

If he/she's a guy, the pink sparkles everywhere was a little bit unnerving. I wouldn't mind it if he were effeminate; it's the baseball that makes it a little confusing. ^_~

All in all, a very cute story- I used to love feeding ducks as a kid; it's sort of a universal experience, ne? Feel free to PM if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else.

Thanks guys!

The narrator is a little girl; basically, she's growing up in a neighborhood where all the kids play baseball, but she loves pink and doing girly stuff with her mommy. I'll change the baseball thing so it's a little more clarification. Thanks guys!

Glad you liked it. It made my mom cry! lol

Ahh... the elegance of simplicity! I would actually go so far as t say it's a masterpiece.
I have a few clarification suggestions (just suggestions, note, take them or leave them... I don't want to be responsible if the piece is ruined by too much editing )

Okay, well firstly: Along the lines of gender clarification is age clarification. It's not necessary (I understand if you want to leave up to the reader) but usually right after a birthday little kids are really excited in a "Yaay! I'm 6 years old! I'm so grown up!" kind of way --just something to think about.

Also, the part with the blond man kind of confused me. At first I thought he was her dad, but then you said that he wasn't... who is he anyway?!

Oh, and they would eat more than just cake at the table, right? You might want to change "At our table where we always eat my cake, there’s three chairs." to something like "At our dining table where we ate my cake, there's three chairs." Just a thought.

Again, I love it! The style is so simplistic and child-like... it really captures Ruth's world and the little-kid point of view. I agree with Sam, it's just the right amount of emotion --not too dramatic and not to shallow either. Beautiful!

Keep it up!!

~Azila

Aww, Wiggy! I loved it. It was so cute. And you really do have that little kid speak down pat. That made it much more realistic! I loved reading it. It was sweet, but you got the point across without being sappy or overdoing it. And when you desrcibed the things they've been doing and telling the dad everything, it just made it seem exactly like something a little kid would do. And that made it much easier to read and to connect with. It gave that feeling of something the reader could relate to and understand, even if this isn't something that has hapened to them. All in all, very good job!

Well done!

xoxo
-Caitlin

your story came accros as very beleivable and genuine feeling. I would also agree about the little kid speech which works really well for you. however, I would say the same as the other reviewers. It is written like it's from the point of view of a young girl, maybe five or six. So, that makes sence, but you need to clear up the other bits that make it seem like your character is a boy. The part with the video also confused me. I think you definitely should change around that part a bit.
Other than that, good idea, well written, nice ending, nice style. that's all I have to say!

Sam said plane crash? I thought it was divorce. Or something. O_o

Anyway, it was cute, but I guess I wasn't that touched, because chocolate is poison for little ducks, so my thoughts ran in the order of, "Aw, how cute. SHE'S FEEDING CHOCOLATE TO DUCKS? WHAT THE BLANKITY-BLANK IS WRONG WITH HER???"

...so cute.

Anyway, I guessed she was a girl and it did hint that her name was Ruth, so yeah.

And I agree. Age clarification would be nice for this story. Though it's obvious that she's young, she's not so young that she can't write -- because this much writing is generally hard for little kids. Perhaps she's eight?

Nice! It was touching in its simple ways, but very solemn in the topics of a single mother. You've created a little To Kill A Mockingbird. It's excellent.

But who was the blond man? What made her describe him in the story? Was he her father or just a random person?

And was the narrator a boy or a girl? And how old was he/she?

Good ending!

It's not an opus magnus, but it's good enough for me!

I thought that this was a really cool stroy. I liked how you dident make it all pro writting stuff. Like you had bad grammer on purpose to make the girl sound younger. It was a tuching story and I thought it was really cool. I was a little confused about why had the daddy not come back was it a divorce or had he died?

I have nothing to say. It's beautiful, touching, sweet. You've excellently (as far as I know) depicted this sad plight of many American families. Thank you.