Don't Panic

I wrote this for a YWS contest, Dream_Deep forced me to post it... *rolls eyes* It's the first thing I've done in first person, I thought it would work better than way.

Oh, and yes, this pretty much is true. Everything happened, although I moved some stuff around and mixed up events. I don't remember everything in a straight line. It's all mixed together in my head, so yeah.

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Don't Panic
By Claudette

I vacuum as a way to keep myself busy. I think that if I clean the house enough, then maybe it will stop. Instead, I can’t stop cleaning.

The vacuum growls like a monster from under a child’s bed as I push it across the floor. You’re not crazy. No. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. You are OK. The growling isn’t loud enough. I can still think.

I shut the vacuum off and sit on the couch. For a few minutes I stare at my hands and pretend that I’m not there. “Oh God,” I whisper. I can’t breath. I choke on air. I take a deep breath, then another. And another. “No, no no no no no.” I hold my breath – but that doesn’t help.

I give in and curl up on the sofa, breathing as fast as my lungs will let me. At least I'm lying down, that way if I lose consciousness I won’t have far to go. The way our ceiling tilts, the lines in the center of the room look so odd. The shadows are cast in strange ways. I stare up at them while millions of things pass through my head.

You’re going crazy. No, I’m not. You can’t sleep. What is wrong with you? What if you go to school like this. No, you can’t go to school. Everyone will see you and what will they say? What will they think about you? No, you don’t want to go to school. You can’t let them see you. You can’t let anyone see you like this.

It is too much for me to control and I start crying. But I’m not crying, that’s a lie. I’m having an attack. A panic attack again. No one else is home.

I roll over a little – whining aloud and whispering, “Not now,” in that horrible sob voice – and look at the phone. I think about calling my father, but decide not to.

I still can’t breath. This has happened to me so many times but I still can’t breath.

And will they give me medication? Or am I crazy? Can I go to the hospital? Please I want to go to the hospital and I want to be locked up in the nut house.

I think about last night. I was crazy last night, but I’m crazy now, too. We went out to eat at Applebees. The food was so good, but food always tastes good when you haven’t eaten in a long time. I swore the guy at the other table was staring at me. He was asking himself, “Why won’t that girl sit still? Why does she look so paranoid? I think she’s crazy, something is wrong with her.” His looks made me sick, and I had to stop eating. He was watching me eat.

Finally, I hear the door open.

“Suzanne, are you okay?”

I don’t move, I just lie on the couch huffing and puffing like my dog just died in front of me. I hear him run upstairs, and he sits next to me. Daddy, I love you so much.

“Dad…Please, help me. Please, make it stop. Please! I can’t stop thinking, dad. I just can’t stay still. I don’t want this any more. I can’t do anything, I can’t! I can’t do anything anymore I can’t think I don’t want to leave the house and if I go to school I’ll – ”

He shushes me, and looks like he might cry too. I still can’t breath, and I’m clutching onto his T-shirt sleeves like he’ll fall away and I’ll never see him again.

He kisses my forehead gently, in his loving way and whispers, “It’ll be okay, I promise. Everything will be okay. Do you want a hug?”

Claudette wrote:I wrote this for a YWS contest, Dream_Deep forced me to post it... *rolls eyes*

Oh get over it.


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In any event, Till, I still think this is brilliant. It's simple, honest and heart-wrending. This is clearly not the work of someone trying for an emo twist, a lunge for drama that falls short of the mark. This is clearly, deeply honest, and as such, it's beautiful. The fear, the isolation and the panic is so palpable in this that I felt like I was actually inside your mind, rather than just skimming across the surface of words on a page. The way you wrote of the panic attack, you didn't get redundant, as you easily could have - and the italics you worked in there were paced perfectly. ^_^

Small punctuation error, here:

I take a deep breath, then another. And another. “No, no no no no no.”. I] hold my breath – but that doesn’t help.

... I came awfully close to crying the first time I read it. I've had one panic attack in my life and I can't imagine a repeat, let alone any frequency of the experience. But here, there's no need to imagine: you've set it perfectly.


Dreamy.

This actually happened? You get panic attacks? Sorry, that wasn't terribly diplomatic. Anyway, I thought that this was very good. It had feeling without laying the emotions on too thick.

Claudette wrote:The vacuum growls like a monster from under a child’s bed as I push it across the floor.

Nice description.

Claudette wrote:He kisses my forehead, gently, in his loving way...

I don't think you need that comma after "forehead".


There wasn't anything else.... just say, very good piece!

I know the others have mentioned it but I love the simple honesty of this piece. I shall make a few specific suggestions before I move onto more general points -

I think that if I clean the house enough, then maybe it would stop. [You change tense here. I think you should stick to present throughout so it should be 'then maybe it will stop.']

At least I was lying down, that way if I loose consciousness I won’t have far to go. [Again, you switch tense. I'd change 'I was laying down' to 'I'm laying down.' Also, I'm not sure if that's the American way of writing lose or not. To me loose is a completely different word but I've seen it once or twice before and I'm starting to wonder....]

__________________
Other than that, this is really well written. I've not had this sort of panic attack before but you present it in such a way that it's easy to relate to. The thoughts in italics are really effective and the little bit of speech at the end is a great way to finish it. Altogether, a brilliant, moving piece of writing.

Wowo, this was a really good piece. I'm afraid I haven't got anything constructive to say...

This is a good idea, to write about your experiences. Instead of panic attack, I get depression attack...and you're amazing to be able to write down what you were thinking during that time, and re-create the feeling so much.

Anway, good job. Yours most uselessly, The Fawning Sycophant

This actually happened? You get panic attacks? Sorry, that wasn't terribly diplomatic.

I don't mind being asked about it I kind of like telling people, because it can go undiagnosed sometimes, and it really isn't fun to go through alone, so I like helping others with it.

Basically I have a few anxiety disorders: General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Panic Disorder, plus sometimes I get phobias, and for a while after my break down, I was a little agoraphobic. So yes, I do/did get panic attacks. I'm better now, and going to therapy and what not. I kind of made up the dialog, but the guy at apple bees is real, me cleaning the house like crazy and vacuuming is real, and my dad being the most amazing person ever is real.

Thanks for the tense fixes! Present tense isn't my forte...

This was really good, Claudette . I could really feel the emotion in it, so you did a fantastic job of portraying a panic attack.

I only found one small nitpick, though.

Can I go to the hospital, please I want to go to the hospital and I want to be locked up in the nut house.

The first clause is really a question, so it kind of breaks the flow when you combine it with the rest of the sentence. What I'm saying is that it sounds sa bit better written this way:

Can I go to the hospital? Please, I want to go to the hospital and I want to be locked up in the nut house.

Other than that, everything else was good.


MM

Hey Clau.

Everybody else already pointed out the few things. I just felt like posting on it...so...

Good job. (You'll get more of my thoughts on it later, kk?)

See you around!
-JC

It was nice in that it was straightforward. I felt like I was in the room with you, but the way things were presented, I felt like I could feel the same things, like I was sitting in the corner watching with my knees to my chin instead of how I usually feel in first person stories, as if I'm just standing in the scene, slouching with my hands in my pockets.

Please I want to go to the hospital and I want to be locked up in the nut house.

"the nut house" sounds strange in context. I don't think I've heard anyone say it before. Personally, I'd end the sentence after "locked up".

nit pick: you consistanly write "breath" instead of "breathe". Unless I've missed something?

I don't mind being asked about it

Can I ask a question [please ignore the following if I'm prying]? You've said you go to therapy; how are panic attacks treated?

Wow. All I can say is that this was amazing. I almost cried. 'Almost' because my family is in the same room as me and I can't risk them seeing. This was incredible. Sorry I'm not really saying much. Here's something:

What if you go to school like this.

I think you need a question mark here.

you consistanly write "breath" instead of "breathe". Unless I've missed something?

No, I'm sure that is a mix up, because I don't know the difference and it only gets caught when Word notices it If you could tell me where they were...?

You've said you go to therapy; how are panic attacks treated?

I'll try to keep this as short as possible x_x Actually, I've only been to therapy 3 times, with my main Psychologist. He has referred me to another doctor, who will be my main therapist, and he [the first one] will handle the medication and the overall of my case.

Basically, you have to treat panic attacks by learning how to prevent them. I've done some med hopping, and I'm finally on one that seems to work nicely, but with therapy which is usually run as behavioral/cognitive therapy, you try to learn new ways to think, and [what we hope for] eventually get off the medication. Panic attacks are triggered by thoughts, usually. It's all in your head, but it leaks out and spills all over the place and is no fun. The medication keeps me calm, so I'm less likely to have a panic attack. I'm not sure if it changes my personality I know that now, I'm not as scared of some things as I was before. uhm. And... that wasn't exactly short and that was all I could think up xD

You can find a lot of things on the internet about this stuff, or you can PM me and I can ramble on for hours about it ^_^ haha.

Thanks for all the wonderful critiques!

Here's the breathe/breath thing:

I still can’t breath. This has happened to me so many times but I still can’t breath.

He shushes me, and looks like he might cry too. I still can’t breath, and I’m clutching onto his T-shirt sleeves like he’ll fall away and I’ll never see him again.

For your first, first person piece this was really great, Clau. It had a lot of emotion involved and even if you hadn't told me I would have guessed that this was an actual event. Great job on sparking the readers interest with something that they can relate to.

The only part that I was really confused about was when you went inot a memory like stage somewhere in the middle and then all of the sudden you were talking to your dad? I didn't know what tense you were in and if you ever changed back from there.

I did really enjoy this. I have many panic attacks myself and I know exactly how it feels. This really got to me. Great job, Clau. I'd like to see more first person stories from you.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I know you've told me about having panic attacks before but never in detail and this put some of those conversations we've had into perspective. I've never had a panic attack before but this made it seem very real to me. Good thought in putting those experiences onto paper for other people to experience. Out of curiosity, was this hard for you to write or was it therapeutic?
Critique time!
My only gripe is that you kept saying "breath" when you meant to say "breathe". Though I only say that because I'm a grammar nitpicker at heart. That's really my only problem with it.
Great work Clau! <3

Basically I have a few anxiety disorders: General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

I suffer from anxiety as well. I'm positive I have GAD, though I haven't been formerly diagonsed. I'm very stubborn about seeing a therapist.

It's a day-to-day struggle, and I completely empathize with you. It would take a lot for me to write about it. I really admire you for doing so.