Sisters

" Your late! Shut the door quietly and do not trip over anything! We both know how clumsy you are!" A cloaked figure scurried into the small hut from the snow and winds outside. The figure carefully closed the oak door behind her and pulled the bolt across. The figure looked down at it's feet, occasionally glancing upwards as it moved towards the centre of the small hut where a woman wearing a black dress with long flowing black hair knelt. 2 black candles were burning on either side of a small black pot, set in the center of a small alter. The hooded figure dropped to it's knees next to the woman and removed it's hood to reveal short,curly,orange hair.

" We do not have much time! Poor Anna Marie was being tied to the stake when I passed not but moments ago. The town will be distracted for only a very short time before accusations are made and we are known not to be present. They will immediately begin to search for us. If they catch us!" The woman with the orange hair began to sob and the woman with black hair slapped her across the face. The sobbing ceased.

" Listen to me. If we do this we can destroy this town. We can avenge our sisters deaths. We just need to do this. Even if we die as our sisters did, if we do this then we will not have died in vain. Do you understand me?" The woman with orange hair nodded and faced the alter. The woman with black hair picked up a hazel stick and drew a 5-pointed star in the air with the hazel stick. When the star was completed the air where the black haired woman had drawn shimmered for a moment and then lines began to appear. The lines drew the same shape as the black haired woman had done with her hazel stick. The lines glowed green and as the star finished a tongue of blue flame encircled the alter, the star and the two woman. The black haired woman held out her hand and the orange haired woman took it and they began to speak in unison.

" The mighty flame consumed our sisters
There deaths were unjust.
We call upon thee shadows
We call upon thee darkness.
Come into our world
Avenge for us our sisters
Who practiced there good craft
Avenge for us our sisters
Cause the same pain they suffered
To those who made them suffer it.
As we speak
So mote it be."

Nothing happened for a moment and then the black haired woman and the orange haired woman smiled as a great moan issued from the sky. The five pointed star grew brighter and brighter. The moan grew louder and louder. The two woman still held hands. They raised there heads to the roof of the hut and shouted.

" AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
WE CALL UPON THEE!
AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
SO MOTE IT BE!

AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
CAUSE THE TOWN GREAT AGONY!
AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
SO MOTE IT BE!

AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
WE CALL UPON THEE!
AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
SO MOTE IT BE!

AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
CAUSE THE TOWN GREAT AGONY!
AVENGE OUR SISTERS!
SO MOTE IT BE!"

The door of the hut was flung open and town officials flew into the centre of the hut to reach the witches. The tongue of blue flame leapt at the officials as soon as they entered the hut. There screams satisfied the witches for a moment. Tye continued there chant and as they finished the pentagram ( five pointed star) dimmed and disappeared. The tongue of blue flame flew past the town officials and up into the sky. The witches bent over the 2 black candles and snuffed them out with there fingers. They stood up together and as the town officials surged forward they laughed. And as they laughed, hysterically they disappeared. They evaporated into the air. They became the air. Although they could not be seen the witches laughs echoed throughout the hut.



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as a great moan issued from the sky.

The sky moaned? That seems rather odd.

Tye continued there chant and as they finished the pentagram ( five pointed star) dimmed and disappeared.

most people know that a pentagram is a five pointed star.

Your dialog and action at the beginning is really rough, stilted. We don't completely know what is going on, though we kind of get it.

Try making everything flow better because right now it doesn't flow so well...It's too stilted. I'm not sure what suggestions I could give to fix that though.

The stories interesting, at the least, but needs some fix ups.

(sorry I wasn't so helpful)

" Your late!

You're late, because the contraction "you're" is short for "you are".

A cloaked figure scurried into the small hut from the snow and winds outside. The figure carefully closed the oak door behind her and pulled the bolt across. The figure looked down at it's feet, occasionally

You use the phrase "the figure" very often in this passage...maybe use a different name for the person?

2 black candles were burning on either side of a small black pot

Always type out the number ("two") in your writing.

The hooded figure dropped to it's knees next to the woman and removed it's

Both of the "it's" in this sentence should be its.

short,curly,orange hair

Spacing? There should be a space after each comma. And does the reader really need to know the color, texture, and length of the character's hair? Do we need to know that the cloaked figure has flowing black hair? I don't think so.

We can avenge our sisters deaths

sisters'

If we do this we can destroy this town. We can avenge our sisters deaths. We just need to do this. Even if we die as our sisters did, if we do this then we will not have died in vain.

You say the words "do this" in this passage about three times, which is repetitive. Try using something else.

The woman with black hair picked up a hazel stick and drew a 5-pointed star in the air with the hazel stick.

Again, a repeat of "hazel stick", which is repetitive.

The lines glowed green and as the star finished a tongue of blue flame encircled the alter, the star and the two woman.

...two women.

Who practiced there good craft

Who practiced their...

There screams satisfied the witches for a moment.

Their screams...


As Claudette said, the story doesn't flow well. It seems very start-and-go, if you know what I mean. The characters are flat--we know next to nothing about them--and we aren't given enough information about what is going on.

Keep working at it, and let me know if you have any questions!

Well, Cassandra caught most of the grammatical/spelling errors and whatnot, so I guess that leaves me with the story as a whole. Some things I'd work on:

1. Flow. As both Cass and Clau mentioned, this is a bit stilted. Part of the problem, I think, is that you're (a) info-dumping and (b) using dialogue in huge clumps, thus breaking up the rhythm of the piece.

2. Characters. They're just...not there. We have two women - witches - who are cursing a town. This is...evil, yes? Are they the heroines or the villains? Do they have any twinges of conscience? Are they angry? Some of this is conveyed in their repeated emphasis on revenge, but I want to know what's going on inside their heads, not just what they tell me!

My recommendations?

-- mingle description with action. So, instead of saying "she had long black hair," say, "the gust of wind from the open door tossed her long black hair about her face" or similar.

-- include a little more description about their surroundings, but again, make it part of the action, so the reader doesnt get bored.

-- trim dialogue down to as few words as possible. These women are in a hurry. They're scared, and they're intent on what they're doing. They will therefore not be wordy. So instead of "We do not have much time..." you could say, "Hurry! They were tying poor Anne Marie to the stake as I passed. It wont be long before they realize we're missing and come after us."

-- as with description, try for a balance between dialogue and action. So far, I'm seeing you do big dumps of dialogue at the beginning of a paragraph and then no speech for quite some time. Think of the way people usually speak while doing things at the same time, and use actions etc. to break up your dialogue and make things more interesting.

-- shorter sentences give a feeling of urgency, so you might want to try trimming this down a bit to make your reader empathize with your characters.

-- perhaps experiment with point of view, going first-person or third-person limited to give the piece more emotive depth.

This is certainly an interesting piece, however, and I quite enjoyed your unique take on the Salem Witch Trials. I'd like to see this fleshed out a little more, to be honest, because as it stands the plot feels somewhat rushed and clunky. But I'm sure you can work on that in later drafts

Feel free to PM me if you would like any help or anything, and (since I havent seen you around before) welcome to YWS!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hello! When I saw the title, I was pretty jazzed that a second person was willing to take on the VERY broad subject of the 1692 hysteria. For me, it's like the twilight zone. I had full intentions of writing, yet, another novel about the Salem Witch Trials, but was going to write a few short stories first to get a "feel for the era - again." And here are two people writing about the 17th Century before I'm able to submit my first draft! LOL!!! When writers decide to dabble in my areas of "expertise," if you will, I'm usually hypercritical, and being a history buff, I do tend to be over-opinionated and a bit blunt. You've been warned.

*

First off, I'm not going to do grammar or spelling, as I'm sure you're able to edit on your own accord. Besides, quite a few have assisted anyway.

Second, to be perfectly honest, this is NOT, I repeat, NOT HISTORICAL-Fiction. You do realize there were not actual witches but only good, honest people accused, and being condemded; they were first sent to the prisons. And in fact, the hysteria started with a young girl having siezures, but being how ridgid the Puritan were, they assume this young lady was possessed by the Devil since He could supposaly transform into a normal human for instance.

Giles Corey is a nice example. To get him to confess (which he never did), Puritan Magistrates piled one boulder at a time upon his chest, which at the time, it was not illegal to do so. Corey was pressed to death; he never confessed but it's rumored that he said, "More weight!"

In a nutshell, this story is butchering one of the most darkest times of American History, and is an example of what lack of research will do. And in all honesty, I got only half way, where I cringed because of the great deal of lack of historic facts that made this era so captivating, even today - 300 years later!

What you have written is mearly the underlyning of the Wiccan faith, and even those facts are 95% false. I suggest to fully and completely research, research, and when you THINK you've learned enough - you have not. To write historical fiction, the writer MUST ABSOLUTELY know everything about the world they are re-creating: Speech, clothing style, dates, important places, people, transportation and instruments fitting into the period, such as eating devices or medical, etc.

As for me, I'm currently writing, and re-creating the American Revolution which is my most favorite era of all time! Since I was twelve, I've been enthralled, and so I decided a year and a half ago to take on this very broad period. And in fact, I'm so serious with properly bringing the reader into my world, I have books upon books for myself to reference. Why? Because I love the 18th Century! Hehe... But yes, my library is extensive, and yes, I'm that serious about my work. I don't expect every writer to show the same fanatical desire as me, but remember this: If you cannot be bothered in researching in depth, then historical fiction is not for you.

For a good primer though, I suggest reading, "The Crucible." Two famous victims will be mentioned in the play such as John Proctor and Giles Corey. If you have questions about the period itself, most likely I'll be able to answer them. My forte is the 18th, but I am no stranger to the 17th Century as its roots are somewhat connected to the start of the Revolution.

There is a thread in this very same section, where the story is titled, "undressed," By Reida... Within that thread, I went somewhat in depth with the 1692 hysteria, especially with the Puritans. The thread should serve as another primer before you take on the great tast of months upon months - on adverage - of researching.

Best of luck, and keep me informed of your progress!


EDIT: Here's the link to Reida's "Undressed Innocence," in which he too is also writing about the Trials. In my post to her, I provided some information about the period, I think you'll benifit from it.

viewtopic.php?t=12498

I think everyone's pretty much summed it up already but (correct me if I'm wrong), in the Salem witch trials didn't they hang them and not burn them? But I might be wrong..

It's a load of rubbish isn't it? My first attempt at seeing what happens when I force myself to write. The results were worse than usual. Thank you for leaving reviews about it though.