Act of Love

Piepiemann,

One of the major fundamental principles that you must learn as a writer is too never, repeat never, judge the writer by what they have written. It is the mark of a great writer to be able to accurately explore topics that are outside their range of experience and knowledge and do so effectively. Cheers,

Cameron

I'm not judging her. I don't do that. I simply stated how I felt. If I hurt anyone in any way, I'm sorry.

woah! No arguing in my thread or I will have a Mod hunt you down and kill you!

Anyway, Cameron, thanks for the add ins, I'll take a look.

Claudette wrote:Act of Love

Come near me, I want your skin
To slide on mine like it was sin.
Lay next to my naked frame
And know you needn’t any shame.
Come closer still, I need your heat.
I want to play beneath the sheets.
Then, when she began to speak,
Our act of love began to peak.
“Brother, please, stop hurting me!”
I thrust once more, then let her free.

This reminds me of Lev and Fleur for some reason, am I imagining or does it actually have something to do with your novel?

It's short and pretty simple, the rhyming is well-not forced-, enjoyable and understandable. An okay poem

Rather humouristic, maybe it's me but I don't seem to take it seriously especially at the end.

Well, it's all I have to say, not much I guess.

Cheerios, Chandni

Thanks Chandni

It was funny to you? O.o

And, since you mentioned Lev and Fleur, that makes me think of Felicion and Fleur *giggles*

I'm still working on that one line.

All comments are still welcome.

Hahaha... um... doesn't work. It sounds like a girl wrote it.

And don't ask me why it sounds like that... wait... I'll ask Grif.

Yep. He says it sounds like a girl wrote it too.

After some discussion:

Don't be so dramatic in an elegant way. It doesn't go with the male voice and, though there's a surprise at the end, it doesn't hold on rereading. Read some poetry by men and see how they deal with it.

Hope that helps!

I agree with Snoink, it sound exceedingly feminine. I also am unsure why you choose "brother", as usually the father figure is the favorite, since it tends to have more gravity.

L3 needs another syllable.

Despite this, I enjoyed the brevity and almost bald mood that this piece had. The tone is well managed. Congrats

Come near me, I want your skin

This line works, we know the voice and I instantly want to read on.

To slide on mine like it was sin.

Maybe a comma after "mine"

And know you needn’t any shame.

Little bit clutttery. Maybe "And you know you need not shame"

I'm not a meter expert but I think a rejig would work better.

The rest flows really well, as I said before the topic is brilliant and I like the whole "surprise" thing.

I dont think the man/woman thing really matters here. To me it could be either and its not revealed until the last line. To me its of small significance.

You know how it gets when you sort of scan a poem without caring much? Most of the poem was that way (very very good, but nothing that kept me hanging on every word) and then I saw the word 'brother'. My eyes snapped immediately to the words. Wow! Creepy.

The only critique I have is that the first part offers no immediate reason why I should be interested. It has been done many times before. Try inserting something to make the reader fascinated, make them want to get to end and read the chilling line that changes everything.

Brava.

WOW, was this little girl getting raped by her brother? I may be extremely wrong or I could be right I have no shame about it. Well I love it all the same, it was very deep and the rhyming and timing was excellent. Great job.

Clau,


Shock value can be used appropriately.

This is not such a case.

You demonstrate a good handle on the English language and rhythm, but you simply fail to deliver a punch (except incest, which any Nabokov-fan has already experienced in a more clever and erudite way).

So, let me ask you, what's the point?


Best,
Brad

No offense Clau, but I kind of have to agree with Incan here. While you clearly have a strong poetic voice and an excellent style (I especially like the smoothness of the rhyming), the poem itself fell a bit flat in my opinion. Granted, the "brother" line did make me snap to attention and blink for a while, but it doesnt hold up under a second reading. Perhaps it is that couplet-style (and rhyming poetry in general) has a tendency to be sing-song-esque which seems to trivialize the subject matter; perhaps it is simply that the poem is too bald and devoid of poetic device for my taste. I'm not sure. It just seems to rely too much on shock value and too little on its own...weight/description/structure. It doesnt have anything to say beyond the fact that it is talking about incest, and while it's very clever, I just cant see why I should read it, if you know what I mean. As Incan said, what is the point here?

I'm all on your side I'm poetic (And I don't even completly agree with that) but I need to work on my ideas. I need to find a better muse.

I'm hoping to up my poetry's "point" soon.

Does any one have any suggestions as to HOW I can go about doing this?

Clau,


re: "Does any one have any suggestions as to HOW I can go about doing this?"

First, you should have one.

Second, write. Write and write and write.


Best,
Brad

Interesting twist there at the end. I thought it was just going to be a poem about sex, but instead it was between brother and sister. hmm...