Act of Love

Another creepy poem by me. Again, it starts out short. I'm not sure I can do any more to it, like I could with Child. But if someone asks.... I'll try.

Act of Love

Come near me, I want your skin
To slide on mine like it was sin.
Lay next to my naked frame
And know you needn’t any shame.
Come closer still, I need your heat.
I want to play beneath the sheets.
Then, when she began to speak,
Our act of love began to peak.
“Brother, please, stop hurting me!”
I thrust once more, then let her free.

Err....*Goes swirly eyes at the incest*

Yet, I like it. Man I'm a twisted wierdo. I liked the rhyming and the way the exclamation from the sister displays what's really going on. Well done! I think I got slightly nauseous reading it XD

Oo

I'm going to be critiquing a lot of creepy poetry for this next month, aren't I?

I actually think this poem flows better than child, and while, as I said there, I liked the couplet format, I prefer this; it seems much more cohesive. I only have a few specific critiques for this one--

Come closer, I need your heat

In this line, the rhythm is a little off; I'd add another syllable... probably after the word "closer." Maybe "still," so that it's:

Come closer still, I need your heat.

That's actually almost identical to my only other complaint. In the line where the sister begins to speak, I think you should insert yet another syllable. My suggestion:

"Brother, please, stop hurting me!"

...Any help at all?

apart from it being insest, which is disgusting, it was really well written, excellent descriptions and it flowed too, in my opinion.

Good rhyme scheme, Clau, it's quite solid and reads well. I don't think the length is a problem at all, to be honest - it's just as long as it needs to be and it gets the point across sufficiently. To make it any longer would, I think, detract from the general shocking and relatively raw feel of the poem. (For this sort of thing, I'm pretty sure you want shocking and raw - it reads well as it is, I would not advise tacking anything else on, really. ^_~)

As to the content, it as - as mentioned before - rather shocking. But it sticks with the reader afterwards, hard to get out of the mind. There, it succeeds as poem. Good job, Clau. ^_^

Though, for fun, I can't resist - the stuff of nightmares, Imp said; it's so. Very creepy concept... not creepy, what's the word? Also (don't hit me XD) Rammstein-esque. ^_^ This is the kind of thing you read when you listen to a song in German...

... and you think "Oh, that sounds so pretty"...

.... and you go onto herzeleid.com to read the translation...

... and what to your wondering eyes should appear?...

... the above poem. XD 'Tis so very Lindemann. ^_~

It's a weird poem, Clau, a creepy poem. But it sticks with the reader - and that's what any writer aims for, I suppose. ^_^ Good job on the writing Clau. I'm never reading your poetry again. (Joking, joking... )

I agree with DD about the length--it's perfectly fine for this poem.

And Clau! Weren't you just saying a few months ago that you can't write or crit poetry? Because both this and Child are excellent. Really.

And as for the content...it's weird to say it, but these kind of things are my style. I like to read--and write--about those taboo things.

I actually preferred this to child: it was short, sweet, and shocking; perfect.

Nice work, Clau.

Thanks for all the comments, and I made the changes mentioned!

But I'd certainly like more opinions.

*eyes widen at incest* like the poem! the topic is odd but i like the writing

Wow - the rhyme was beautiful and the ending was simply shocking!


THis line:
And want our young bodies to meet.

Seemed odd and a little unflowing.

Great poem

the poem was great. there were little bits which didn't flow at all, and felt really strange to read. i think Adam got the main one. perhaps losing the word "young" would be better. it needs a syllabal taking out

the topic was excellent, i don't think i've seen poems dealing with incest. good, original poem, and very very shocking!

Thank Adam, Leon, and MC

I changed the line, I think it works better now. But what do the almighty critiquers think?

no, doesn't go as well with the line before. previously, it ran into each other as one subject. but now it jumps a little, and its not as good. i'd rather see a change to the original than a new line altogether. in fact, i think this is even harder to read than the first.

its great, i love it very much

Come near to me, I want your skin
To slide on mine like it was sin.
Lay next to my naked frame
And know you needn’t any shame. [I find this awkward, not sure exactly how else you could put it though]Come closer still, I need your heat.
I want to play beneath the sheets.
Then, when she began to speak,
Our act of love began to peak.
“Brother, please, stop hurting me!”
I thrust once more, then let her free.

Some preliminary revisions. Cheers,

Cameron

The writing and flow is good. But I don't like the poem all that much. I don't see how someone could write a poem like that. Then again everyone is different. It was your choice to write this poem so I wont hunt you for that. You have skill in poetry though.