Butterflies

butterflies

I want to be the girl in dusty victorian blues,
sitting lonely on the fence, dreaming music,
wanting you.

There are things I remember that I am afraid
to forget, landscapes and smiles and brief strands of
thought between us,

days when I wandered ghostlike and somehow
you found me, moments I thought you loved me,
I thought I loved you—

I am being eaten from the inside by
thousands of hungry butterflies. I feel
a little hollow,

but I don't miss you.

For the first time in quite a long time, I can sincerely say that I have no real critique for you. This was beautiful -- definitely on my Top Ten Poems of YWS list, that's for sure.

One thing I did notice which bothered me was the line breaks in the second stanza, particularly at "afraid" -- it felt a wee bit stilted, so you might want to do some fiddling there.

Otherwise, my congratulations on a lovely piece. I will certainly look forward to seeing some more of your work.

Regards,
~bubbles

Wow. The images in this poem are absolutely beautiful, they took my breath away. This has a very sad, whistful tone without being totally depressing; I like that. I had a hard time really understanding this poem, but I rarely understand poems that are about relationships.
Honestly, I don't think this poem needs improvement. It flows well, has unique, lovely images, and it's very original. This is the first poem I've read that talks about hungry flesh-eating butterflies.I LOVE the first and fourth stanzas especially.

Kudos.

Whatever inspired you to write this piece...catch that and keep it as a muse.

This is like masterpiece and it paints itself as I read it. This is a very pretty piece.

Some of the line breaks upset the flow. Other than that, I'm awed by it.

I am being eaten from the inside by
thousands of hungry butterflies.

This is so incredible because butterflies are so commonly associated with a happy feeling from the inside. But you flip it into something else.

This is poetry.

As always,

Miss POKE

I like it...as do alot of others. I can even hear the tune your lyrics are for. It's sweet. Well done.

~Chibi

I really enjoyed reading this poem, it's origional yet reminiscent of classic poems from the past. The only part which I have any issue is

"I am being eaten from the inside by
thousands of hungry butterflies."

While I understand and appreciate the message I somehow feel that there is something clumsey about the phrasing but thats just my opinion. Overall a very intriguing poem.

I also enjoyed this and agree witht he imagery of butterflies, its actually a sweet little poem. You are a little poetry chick you are. I like most of your stuff lol.

Keep at it.