The Spoon

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The Spoon


Love. Everyone wants it. Every person on Earth wants to be loved, share love, and look for love. It is a fundamental part of being human. Keeping this in mind allow me to tell you a story. It is about a boy and girl. At least…that is how it starts. Two souls, who have never met and know nothing about each other. One faithful day their paths will cross and that is where we will start this story.

Jackson opened his lunch box and found that hi smother had forgotten to give him a spoon. At the age of five this is a very important part of lunch since you can’t eat your pudding without a spoon. He ate all of his lunch except for that one cup of pudding. He looked at longingly with despair in his heart started to put it back in his lunch box. A little girl with curly brown hair and bright blue eyes came up to Jackson.

“You can use my spoon,” she said. She pulled it out of her lunch box and gave it to Jackson. “Give it back tomorrow.” She left with her class and He ate the pudding happily.

The next day Jackson brought her spoon back but couldn’t find her. He brought it the next day and the next until he was very worried. It was Friday and they wouldn’t be back in school until Monday. He got up his courage and went to see her teacher. He knew who it was because the teachers always walked by their students on their way to lunch.

“Mrs. Ellen, what happened to the girl with brown curly hair? She let me use her spoon and I need to give it back.” Mrs. Ellen gave Jackson a very sweet motherly look and pulled out a small piece of candy.

“Well. Elizabeth had to move away. Her daddy, Mr. Weston, is the police chief and the bad criminals want to hurt him. They had to take Elizabeth away so the bad men can’t hurt her or her daddy.” She gave Jackson the candy and sent him back to class. He didn’t understand anything Mrs. Ellen had except for Elizabeth was gone.

* * *

Years passed by and Jackson had hidden he spoon in the far corner of his closet. He hid it so well that he forgot about it. He graduated high school and went off to College. It was his senior year at the University when he went home for Christmas break.

Jackson had developed into a fine young man. He had built himself up and was tall with black hair and brown eyes. He had gone to college on a football scholarship and was even being looked at by the NFL. He however wanted to be a detective. It was New Years Eve and he was headed to a party his parents had been invited to. It was also a celebration for the retired chief of police, Mr. Weston.

When Jackson stepped through the front door he saw Mr. Weston standing with his wife and a beautiful young woman about the same age as Jackson. She had wavy brown hair and a thin figure. Her smile was as bright as her blue eyes. When Jackson saw her he had feeling of knowing her. She shook his hand and greeted him happily.

“Hi, I’m Beth.”

“I’m Jack. Nice to meet you.”

After that Jackson couldn’t get her out of his mind. She was beautiful and seemed to give him a feeling that he was unsure of.

* * *

He graduated and went on to become one the best detectives in the U.S. He was now about twenty-nine when he went home for his father funeral. He had died of a heart attack in the night so he went peacefully. His mother was in a terrible state to wake up to her husband dead. After the funeral his mother started cleaning. It was one of the things she did to ease her stress. She started going through Jackson’s old closet and found a wooden box that seemed to be built into the wall. She opened it and found the old spoon.

“What is this?” she asked Jackson.

“I had forgotten.” He suddenly remembered everything and it all made since. “When I was in kindergarten you forgot to pack me a spoon. The Police Chief’s daughter let me use hers and the next day they moved her away.” Then he realized that Beth was short for Elizabeth and that he had seen her that night on New Years.

He took the spoon with him when he left and wondered if he would ever see Elizabeth again.

* * *

Jackson turned thirty-seven when he received a present from one of his friends. It was a book titled The Mysteries of Love by Elizabeth Weston. He stared at the cover in disbelief. On the back of the book was a schedule for book signings. The next one was in his town at the local library. In fact it was tomorrow.

The next day Jackson found the old spoon he had held onto for all those years and went to the book signing. There she was. Sitting at the table as beautiful as ever. He waited in line for an hour.

“And who can I make this to?” she asked in her bright voice.

“Jack. I had a question. It’s not about your book.”

“Yes.”


“In kindergarten do you remember letting a little boy borrow your spoon at lunch.” She dropped her pen.

“Why do you ask?” her voice cracked a little. Jackson pulled the spoon from his pocket and laid it on the table.

“I was that little boy. We met at your father’s retirement part on New Years. I’m Jack.” She started to cry silent tears. “What’s wrong?”

“You brought it back. You gave me back my spoon.” She pulled it toward her and looked at the underside of the spoon. “To my granddaughter, may this spoon bring you what ever you want.” She had read it from the spoon. “My grandmother didn’t have a lot of money and when I turned five she had one of her antique spoons engraved for me. My mom told me to leave it at home but I didn’t listen. Then I thought I’d lost it forever. But you brought it back.” She got up and gave Jackson a hug. He felt a charge go through him. The kind you get when all is well with the world. “I’m here until tomorrow. Go down to the café on the corner and I’ll meet you there.”

Jackson did as he was told and waited at the café. He waited and waited. He waited for hours and she never came. When the sun started to set and the café closed Jackson went home. He was angry and upset that such a beautiful and kind woman would stand him up in such a way.

It wasn’t until a few days later he discovered the truth. She had been on her way to the café when a man with a knife mugged and killed her. There were no leads and no clues to whom had done it. Jackson became filled with rage and for twenty years searched for Elizabeth’s killer. After countless dead end leads Jackson enlisted the aid of a psychic. Her name was Karen. The moment he stepped near her she looked at him.

“Oh child. I am so sorry. Go to the place you met her the first time and all will become clear.” He never even managed to ask a question but continued on as she had instructed. The first place they met.

When Jackson arrived at the old school he found that it was now a housing development. The place where the cafeteria once was had become a shabby house with peeling paint and molding carpet. Jackson knocked on the door and a man of about forty-three came to the door.

“I’m detective Thompson and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?”

“Sure. Come in.” the man poured Jackson a cup of coffee and gave him a spoon.

“Thank you.” Jackson started to stir his coffee and noticed a scratch on the underside of the spoon. He pulled it out and looked at it. It was an engraving, to my granddaughter, may this spoon bring you whatever you want.

“Is something wrong, detective?”

“Where did you get this spoon?” Jackson asked with a great deal of force. The man started to get jumpy. He eyed the doors and looked around at the floor and ceiling.

“Well ya know it’s just a spoon.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” The man grabbed a steak knife from the tale and with a quick movement cut Jackson’s throat. He fell backward with shock as the blood poured from his neck. The spoon was still clutched in his hand. No. Not yet. He must pay for what he did to her. The spoon started to glow with light. A scream filled the air and the coffee cups exploded. The man ran for the door but they all closed and wouldn’t open.

Orbs of light started to appear all around Jackson. One after another. Each one eased Jackson’s pain. The orbs took form and showed themselves. They were men and women wearing a white gown. The final orb took form and it was her, it was Elizabeth. She extended her hand to Jackson. His soul was lifted out of his body and he stood next to Beth looking much younger.

“What is this?” cried the man. “Not her! I killed her!”

“My sweet Jack,” said Beth. “You have suffered so, and now we can be together.” All of them became orbs and vanished. The man become insane and died. The spoon has traveled around the world bringing thousands of couples together.

When Jack and Beth left the spoon they left the mark of a soulmate. The energy in the spoon draws souls together and to this day that spoon travels and does for others what Beth and Jack could not do until death…be together.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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Wow, that was weird. :shock:

But I liked it all the same! It was a kind of eccentrically sweet ending. I've never read anything like it before!
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
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One of my many hobbies:

255. Think outside the box on all occasions

Thanks for the comment.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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I agree, that was sweet...in a weird kind of way. LOL. Overall, it was quite good - I found some bits a tiny bit cloying, and it moved a trifle too fast for me, so you might want to think about fleshing it out a bit. A couple of little bits you might want to fix:

One fateful day their paths will cross and that is where we will start this story.

He looked at it longingly, and with despair in his heart started to put it back in his lunch box.

He didnt understand anything Mrs. Ellen had said, except that Elizabeth was gone.

When Jackson saw her, he felt that he knew her.

She was beauitful, and he was uncertain about the feeling she gave him.

And so on, and so on. Mostly, some of your wording is confused and could use an edit. So get to it! LOL

MAIN POINTS:

1. Depth. I think you need to explore the settings and characters a bit more. I know it's meant to be one of those sweet and short stories, but that doesnt mean you dont need to give us a bit more description other than "her hair was curly and her eyes were bright" type of thing. Towards the end, with your description of the lights etc., I think you need to be a bit more expansive. How did they feel? Were they blinding? Remember, the guy was in pain...you need to work that in too. In short, dig deeper into your plot and your characters.

2. Sentences. You've got a good flow going but in some places it gets a bit abrupt. I recommend two things. First, vary your sentence structure a bit. Second, vary your sentence length too. Hopefully this will help the story to read better.

3. Ediing. Sometimes your sentences skip a word and/or dont make much sense. Think about the best way you could say things - usually, the fewer words the better (as long as it's grammatically correct, LOL). Be ruthless with your editing!

Overall, a charming little story. A bit of polishing and I'm sure it will be awesome :)

Cheers,
~bubbles
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Wow! This is great! I agree, you should flesh it out a bit to keep it from saying "she died then he died," you know what I mean? Anyway, WOW this is awesome!




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Very interesting story, I agree. I just think it's great that you can tie a love story together with a spoon. :P Very original. Great job!
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I like to be honest, so I will be honest. Completely honest.

the first paragraph may be one of the worst I have ever, ever read. Scratch it entirely. You don't need it. You don't WANT it. but if you MUST have it, sub 'faithful' for fateful'.


I went on to read this, and well, it was a bit trite. It didn't get much better from the first paragraph. I did like a few things about it, for instance, the background of the spoon. but honestly...*shrugs* there aren't a whole lot of redeeming qualities in this. It's poor, gramatically, syntax, etc. You have to learn to word things in the most concise and appropriate fashion possible, and if you like, even work on realism.




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Thanks for the honesty....
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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Hehehe, I think you're better as a novel writer, Adam. ;)

...I should probably explain that, shouldn't I?

Okay. Look at the scope of the story. It spans, not just a moment in time, but almost an entire life! That's a long amount of time, no? So of course it seems rushed and short and everything like that. It's designed to be a short story, yet it pretty much encompasses an entire life! I remember trying to edit my grandma's eulogy in a single page, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to edit, simply because how do you describe an entire's persons life in one page?

You've done your best with this story. It has a plot (which is completely admirable since it can be hard to come up with a plot for life, ;)) and it has two characters whom we are interested in. But due to the constraints of it being a short story, the characters are not allowed to grow very much and, since there's so much happening, it can seem rushed to the reader because it's so much action!

So, while it's pretty cool that you were able to write this story in this format, I think you'll only truly get a good response from it if you put it in a novelized format. And I don't know whether you want to do that or not.

So anyway, happy writing and I hope to see your novel on shelves soon! :D



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I agree with Snoink. The story seemed to jump around a lot, and at times it was hard to follow. But I liked the story behind it; who would've thought a spoon could bring two people together after such a long period of time.

The orbs part was a little, shall we say, distracting for me. I think that if you could tweak the ending a little bit, it would appear to flow better. I'm not sure about any one else reading this, but everyone turning into orbs was a little much. I liked the part up to where Jack sees Beth again when she appears before him as he's dying, but after that it seemed to be a little much.

Other than this, I really enjoyed it.




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*hollers and screams*
WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DIE?!?!?!?!?!?!

Spoon *cries*




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I loved it!
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I'm a Fantasy Writer. White glowing orbs are so very nessecary or i go into a coma and wake up a few hours later.

and all my love stories end in death. I think I have some issues. but seriously. All of them. Everone dies.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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Interesting and creative. This was really unique. I don't think I've ever come across something like this before.

But good work all the same! :)
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
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Okay, um...I haven't done a critique in a while, so let's see if it's anything like riding a bike.

The Good:
What I did like about this piece was that the writing flowed. Simple as that, there was none of that trying to impress the reader, or sound smarter than you are, it just kind of read easy, which I think is a good thing, no matter what flavor the story.

The Bad:
Apart from the few small errors (I'm sure you'll find them upon re-reading so I didn't point them out), there wasn't a lot of bad in the story. For some reason though, it didn't read like a love story. There was hardly any emotion at all in it. You said, "he was filled with rage," But I didn't feel it. You spoke of sadness and loss, but I didn't feel anything. Just words on paper. In order to make this story 'wow', and have it stick to the readers hearts, you have to make them feel. I didn't care about Elizabeth, or the guy. I didn't care when they died, and I didn't feel it when she got her spoon back. MAKE me feel it, and it will make the story so much better.

And the Ugly:
What I believe is the worst part about this story, and what made it even harder to feel, what the lack of characterization. Yes, there were characters, but they were empty shells of people. The story jumped around a lot, and therefore we missed a lot of parts of the characters lives, and therefore, never really got to know them. I think, if you just filled it in a little bit, it could be really really good. Short story doesn't necessarily mean a few pages, it can be ten, twenty, or even forty pages and still be a short story. A longer short story, but still good. Just fill it in a little, and it will be really good.

I hope I helped somewhat. Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett



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