There I was…again…crouched on the floor, in the same old alleyway, surrounded by the same old monsters.
Is it my fault? Was it something I did? Was it something I said?
Maybe it is my fault, for once I’m right. They’re different from me – I’m freak, a retard. No! I’m more than that – I’m a reject.
I wonder sometimes what it must be like to not be in the victim in this game of Cat and Mouse we call Life.
Each dig, poke, prod, punch drills into me the undeniable notion that I will never be. Imagine, me, a winner, a succeeder, an achiever. It’s all a joke.
I lie here, broken inside just waiting for the next attack, for the next round. I deserve it really. I mean look at me, I lie here surrounded by my blood, my sweat and my tears and I am unable to get up. I just ponder on my menial existence. Maybe I’m just a pawn in a surreal game of Chess, being sacrificed to protect the better ones. The ones that are always right and always on the top rung of the ladder, being silently watched by the wannabes, the failures.
I begin to stir, I dare to open my eyes, to take the peek at the people who hide, slip into the dark I dare to cheat. Maybe if I was strong enough I could find their hideout and keep away from it – no mans’ land, the forbidden ground.
I suppose I should hide, creep away into my shell, prevent them from seeing me. But there’s a nagging feeling, a voice resounding in my head telling me to stay where I am, “Don’t move, show them you can take it, maybe, just maybe, you’ll turn into them – you’ll be able to reach the top rung.”
I know the thought is silly, but still I lie there, motionless, in the vain hope that I could be like them, just to turn into the King or Queen of the Board. What an inconceivable idea, a stupid notion, I know this, but still I tell myself that “Maybe this time it will happen!” but ‘this time’ never arrives.
I could be losing my mind, falling to pieces. Every piece I lose prevents me from being whole. I am the jigsaw with the missing pieces, incomplete, insufficient, worthless, who wants a broken Jigsaw?
I am the freak, the retard, the reject, the mouse, the pawn, the failure, the wannabe snail, the worthless one, the broken jigsaw.
I am the Game.
