Thoughts:
Spoiler
Another one that I'm proud of! Definitely raised my anxiety a lil bit while writing it >.> but I think that was just me working through some emotions. Hope you enjoy!
Text Version:
Spoiler
When I was little, living forever scared me almost
as much as the idea of just stopping existing. I had
panic attacks over what Heaven would be like, there
forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and
ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever—
It felt like TV static, the idea that it would just keep
going on and on and on and on and on and on and
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and—
Horrifying. I get bored so easily, even when there’s so
much left I want to do. At what point does it change?
Is there a moment where that fear of death leaves you,
where you become okay with not existing anymore?
That used to scare me just as much, but now I think
of vampires who watch generations and generations
of loved ones die before them, who watch all the
people they cared about go somewhere they can’t
follow, or perhaps are too scared to go. At a certain
point, it would get so terrifying, I think, that sense
of grief. It makes sense why vampires would only
be with vampires, or with nobody at all.
When I was little, people in my church told me to
never date someone who wasn’t Christian, because
it’s so hard to change them, and I wouldn’t want
the love of my life to burn in Hell while I spent
eternity alone. It’s funny, how the same logic is
applied so disastrously, whereas for vampires,
it just seems kind of sad.
It’s two sides of the same coin: fearing death,
and fearing no death. Existing, and ceasing.
I think of vampires, holed up in their castles,
secluded because they’re terrified that the
minute they connect with someone, that person
will see them as a monster, or they’ll die
before they can convince them otherwise.
It’s another one of those blessings/curses,
like garlic bread breath, like a life without
mirrors making it so easy to convince you
you’re damned, and so hard to convince
you you’re not.
as much as the idea of just stopping existing. I had
panic attacks over what Heaven would be like, there
forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and
ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever—
It felt like TV static, the idea that it would just keep
going on and on and on and on and on and on and
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and—
Horrifying. I get bored so easily, even when there’s so
much left I want to do. At what point does it change?
Is there a moment where that fear of death leaves you,
where you become okay with not existing anymore?
That used to scare me just as much, but now I think
of vampires who watch generations and generations
of loved ones die before them, who watch all the
people they cared about go somewhere they can’t
follow, or perhaps are too scared to go. At a certain
point, it would get so terrifying, I think, that sense
of grief. It makes sense why vampires would only
be with vampires, or with nobody at all.
When I was little, people in my church told me to
never date someone who wasn’t Christian, because
it’s so hard to change them, and I wouldn’t want
the love of my life to burn in Hell while I spent
eternity alone. It’s funny, how the same logic is
applied so disastrously, whereas for vampires,
it just seems kind of sad.
It’s two sides of the same coin: fearing death,
and fearing no death. Existing, and ceasing.
I think of vampires, holed up in their castles,
secluded because they’re terrified that the
minute they connect with someone, that person
will see them as a monster, or they’ll die
before they can convince them otherwise.
It’s another one of those blessings/curses,
like garlic bread breath, like a life without
mirrors making it so easy to convince you
you’re damned, and so hard to convince
you you’re not.
