The Unnatural People

Upated Chapters:
-Chapter #1


Prologue:

There once lived some chosen people who had powers that normal people defined as..."unnatural". They had differences, and divided up into two main groups. In the unholy city of Zinth, lived the cult of people named the Forsaken. They practiced unholy and dark magic, making them outlaws in the outside kingdom. Garbed in black and red robes (according to status), they often worshiped their "devil" god. They were extremely powerful, and nobody could resist them when they try to attack. As to oppose this clan, were the Yugur. Dressed in white, they worked with the emperor to defeat neighboring kingdoms and destroy the whole clan of the Forsaken. These people were not as nearly as strong as the Forsaken. Yet, when working together, they could perform some powerful works of magic. But it was in the Forsaken group where this story took place...

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.::Chapter 1::.

Gorak walked down the narrow path carved in the city, pondering about the instruction his mentor had just given him. "You must learn not to feel pity for the weak. Learn this, and you will become stronger. Your opponent will find this weakness, and use it to make you succumb. Here...take this scroll and follow the instructions. I expect something tomorrow...". After that, he dissapeared into the shadows, leaving Gorak to eat supper back at his home.

Gorak saw some of the Elders sacrificing one of the Yugur to the 'God' in the Altar room through the tainted windows. He could see some fresh blood on the floor and the victim was yelling. As usual, Gorak walked past without staring at it. But he felt extreme pity for the Yugur member. He then harshly reminded himself that he must remain focused and feel no pity for the weak. He silently walked home and started to read the scroll.

After eating supper, he sat on his bed, deciding whether or not to open the scroll. He had had doubts about it for a while because sometimes his master would hurt him to "make him stronger". But Gorak wanted to become stronger, and he had to trust his master this time.

He opened the scroll and found nothing but a spell symbol that the Nazgul used to do complicated and risky spells. It started glowing. In fear, Gorak threw it down on the floor. A dark shadow of a hand crept up to Gorak's stomach and...performed manual sex on him. Then, it turned into a black hole and performed oral sex. Garek died from the resulting orgasms. LOL CAT LOLCAT

Hello .

‘There once lived some people’

- Not the most inspiring first words of the story. The rest of the sentence is an improvement, but still lacks quite a bit of ‘pulling power’ - a reader may just not carry on past this.


‘named the Nazgul’

- Nazgul? Um, sounds like a lack of imagination to me.


‘Gorak saw some of the Elders sacrificing one of the Yugur to The God in the Altar room.’

- Not sure ‘The God’ should have a capital T? Probably should be ‘the God’ (or ‘the god).


‘Just then, he harshly reminded himself that he must remain focused and feel no pity for the weak.’

- ‘Just then’ is not needed, and detracts from the sentence. In fact, anything like ‘just then’, ‘started to’, ‘suddenly’ are often not needed, and only work to lower the standard of writing.


I like the idea of the story being told from within the Nazgul clan (at least, for this point), as well as the characters insecurities (have to be ruthless, but it's hard).

Keep on writing .

They were extremely powerful, and nobody can resist them when they try to attack.

Grammatically, it should be:
They were extremely powerful, and nobody could resist them when they try to attack.

Yet, when working together, they could perform some powerful stunts.

"Stunts" reminds me of some kind of magic trick or gymnastic stuff. It might just be me. I dunno.

But it was in the Nazgul group where this story took place...

Your story takes place in a group of people? 'Cuz that's what it sounds like.

A dark shadow of a hand crept up to Gorak's stomach and...

You might be trying to build up suspense and you might not have finished the story. Awkward place to place ellipses.
Also, the plot doesn't sound very good. "Ooooh! Some 'evil' dude has a soft spot!" I think it's a cliche.

You don't know that, Antong. How do you know that this will turn out cliche? Justify your cause. By the way, which song are you doing for English? And which reference story for World Studies?

Just one thing.

"You must learn not to feel pity for the weak. Learn this, and you will become stronger. Your opponent will find this weakness, and use it to make you succumb. Here...take this scroll and follow the instructions. I expect something tomorrow...".

Usually, people succum to something. Not just "succumb." E.g. succemb to his awesome powers. Or something like that.

Nazgul? Sounds like the creatures in Lord of the Rings, does it not? I didn't like, no actually, I hated the prologue. Info dump; everything said there could have been worked into the opening chapters, as it is, its unimaginative and dull, in the sense that its nothin new.

Also,

They practiced unholy and dark magic

'unholy and' should be taken out, sounds repetitive and is unnecessary. Truly though, I think you should can the prologue entirely, and tell/show that information through your character in the opening chapters.

That's the best advice I can give right now.

Jiggity wrote:Nazgul? Sounds like the creatures in Lord of the Rings, does it not? I didn't like, no actually, I hated the prologue. Info dump; everything said there could have been worked into the opening chapters, as it is, its unimaginative and dull, in the sense that its nothin new.

Also,

They practiced unholy and dark magic

'unholy and' should be taken out, sounds repetitive and is unnecessary. Truly though, I think you should can the prologue entirely, and tell/show that information through your character in the opening chapters.

That's the best advice I can give right now.

I agree with Jiggity. I've been trying to say that, but I couldn't figure out how to word it.

Lycan,

I suggest you abandon this whole concept. It lacks in creativity and originality. It felt as if you one day had an idea in your mind about a group of people (or groups of people) and tried to get it into writing, but without any forethought as to a plot or decent characters. You may have the perfect vision of them, but your writing fails to paint me any images.

I had absolutely no idea what was going on due to your lack of transitions. Your character did one thing then immediately went on to do something else without reason.

Surely you can do much better than this.

O.K. I quit youngwriters. Someone please close ALL my posts. Everyone is so negatory. I hope this site gets a virus and closes down.

You know we're not negative, we just don't lie okay. This site is great, but i see your age and i understand, look that what a critque about your suppouse to tell the truth not make sweet little lies up. As for saying i hope this site closes and catches a virus go figure i love this site .

what warcraft sais is true- ive visted other sites and they mention posetive aspects and negetive aspects-his storie had structure and good description but all some people came up with was grammer mistakes and nazgul

i think hes the first person that has said what they feel inside-this site is a bit too focused on everything but writing, i have reviewers comming in and critasising my work (which is fine)and then cracking a joke to raise the reviewers profile-the a bit site feels like school.

i dont think warhammer should put the virus thing though, he's eleven and he's still not afraid of what people will say or think.

And we all know how hard a bad review can hit , we spend hours over a key board pouring our soul into the words and then somthing like ' this is a spelling disastour pops up '
Reviews really do shake confidence and faith in your own skill-and im not saying we should lie, a review can leave the writer happy but determined to improve .

. and prehaps instead of getting all defensive we should try and take what he said as advice, but dont get me wrong-this site is great, and there are loads of reviewers who really do care about the indivisual- (snoik).

Anyway-i read this and it had a kind of wierdness, writing is good , too good for an eleven year old-but it got repetative in the second paragraph- And how about some life, you use formal language too much, i still liked this , it had a kind of wizzard-of-earthsea feel. the last paragraph was cool , with the Shadow of a hand and all .One last thing-if you stick with writing and believe in your stories you will improve slowly , your eleven now and your writing like me - when your older you could become somthing big-do not give up.

message for trident-

That must of really made his day-an 19 year old critisising every aspect of an eleven year olds work seems silly-this site was desighned to help people with writing, not too make them collapse and wonder why they tried....poo brain.

treecub o o o

I am sorry Lycan if you thought my critique was mean. Perhaps it was. I don't typically look at the age of who I am critiquing, and truthfully, it shouldn't matter. What I said was honest, not the "nice job! keep on writing!" junk that you see all the time. I have read your work in the past (the Warcraft story) and believe you are capable of writing better than this. If this story were a bit longer, I would most certainly not have told you to scrap it, but would have given you better advice. As short as it was, it looked as though you hadn't put very much sweat into it, so I was trying to save you the trouble. You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to.

As for poo brain, well that's civil. I hope we can all be so professional.

Lycanstyle01--


The feedback you have received here is solid, and I can add nothing to it. It is only natural that, as beginners, we take great pride in our works. However, we should not be so stubborn as to blindly wallow about in our own self-worth.

Using your age to justify this is a cop-out. As a writer, you are expected to produce material suitable for the audience at hand. You can always read the work being posted and the reviews it receives to get a feel for what is needed if you want us to lift pom-poms for you.

If you are only looking for affirmation of how great your writing is, I am afraid you have come to the wrong place. We are interested in seeing you become a better writer, not in holding you back. Take what Trident has said to heart. He knows what he's talking about.


Take care,
Brad

Hehehe... this reminds me of some of the stuff I wrote when I was eleven. Except, I never wrote prologues, and I hated third person. And, of course, my stuff was obscenely long and terrible. O_o

But oh well.

A tip: instead of starting out where Gorak remembers his mentor, why not start out when Gorak is being taught by his mentor? It would have more action anyway. And more action is always a good thing in a beginning for a hook.

On another note, I would ask all parties to cool it. This is really not worth arguing about. Really.