There once lived some chosen people who had powers that normal people defined as..."unnatural".
NO! Never say anything like that! Don't start a story by saying something like "Okay, there were these people, and they were different, and they had like... superpowers. I think that, unless the readers are stupid, they should be able to figure this out.
He could see some fresh blood on the floor and the victim was yelling.
Nah, really? I thought he would just be waiting patiently as he was stabbed through the heart with a knife by some crazy priest! Also, you could make this flow a little better. Ex: While noting the blood on the floor, he also realized the victem was suprisingly calm. Of course, calm would be something to note because I sure wouldn't be calm!
But it was in the Forsaken group where this story took place..
I don't think this really makes any sence. How can it be in a forsaken group?
They were extremely powerful, and nobody could resist them when they try to attack.
Change "try" to tried. Past and present tense, ya know? I mean, I know you're only eleven, but you should have learned it in like, second grade.
He opened the scroll and found nothing but a spell symbol that the Nazgul used to do complicated and risky spells.
Hello, Nazgul? That's kind of a unique name to LOTR. Someone's gonna notice if you copy it into your book. Choose a name that's at least a little different.
