Betrayal

Betrayal

The wind slices my face
As I stumble to the top.
The smoke billows out
From me
As I perch precariously
On the edge.
Was it worth
The thirty pieces of silver?
The sneer sliding across
Your face
Tells me it was.

A few things -

(a) line breaks. Right now, they're a little all over the place. You need to think about what the line break is telling the reader. Having "The smoke billows out/from me" makes no real sense. Remember to think carefully about when you form a new line and what repurcussions it might have.

(b) lack of imagery You need to support your meaning a little more with better imagery -- right now it's quite prosaic -- there's a lot of pronouns and conjunctives that add little to the poem.

I think this could really be developed to delve into the reason of betrayal -- I'm assuming the thirty pieces of silver means this is about Judas? (I'm not very biblically-learnt, lol) -- you could go much further with this with a rewrite.

Expand your thoughts. At the moment it's not very clear what your trying to say.

Good work nonetheless!

Aww Jack you made me feel so special. Yeah, the line breaks was what I was having trouble with. I couldn't figure out the best places for them...any suggestions? *grins*

I have to agree with both the linebreaks and the lack of imagery comments. There isn't really anything in here that makes the reader feel anything...it doesn't jerk any emotion at all. In the end it's kind of, 'cute', but it's not something someone would read again because of the powerful envolking.

Ooh... this was really good, Wiggy. Really good. I definitely enjoyed it, only one thing, perhaps, to say - you may want to place your line breaks a bit more strategically. And perhaps lengthen it a bit. The moment I got drawn in, it was over. ^_~


Other than that? Be proud.

Yeah.. you have all these things happening, but no colors or feelings or anything. And then the "your face" second person bit is a little funny for me. No sé.

So yeah. Expand? And really... the "Your face" reminds me of an insult that Ari uses all the time, so you're going to want to change that. XD

Brief Intro:

What I look for in poetry is simply this: Does it give off a message that is significant and does it make sense? That defines to me whether it is a worthy poem or not. Then I get into my personal reaction to the poem: Does it trigger anything? Can I relate to the message? Good poetry, in my opinion, should target some sort of audience, of course. Obviously, the more people who can relate to the poem, the higher it will be held. Thus we have human nature.

Body:

So you're poem hit this pretty well. I imagine it is viewed in many different ways and everyone who reads this is going to get a different picture. It has some trouble flowing right, probably because of the awkward line break after the third stanza. That fourth stanza is cut short. I think that would be fine if the fifth stanza wasn't so long.

Here are the golden lines:

Was it worth
The thirty pieces of silver?

Questions, images, reasons. It's perfect. It's probably not going to be everyone's favorite few lines but these are the lines that really gleam to me.

I'm struggling with this one:

The smoke billows out
From me

It possibly flows better without "out" there. Try it on for size.

Conclusion:

Great piece of work. It's a nice layout with the breaks you've placed, however it does have some trouble flowing right because of it. There's a message here for sure, but everyone can get there prefered message out of it. Short but sugared just about right.


As always,

POKE

Im new to the website, and this is one of the first ive read...and let me say, I like it. Line breaks can be tricky - I have trouble with that too. Just make sure it sounds good when you read it outloud, and not just in your head. If that fails, have someone else read it and see what they think. But make sure its another writer, not just any old person wiling to pick apart your work. Good Job altogether though, I liked it. Keep on writing, its what makes the world go round.

Aloha Wiggy (may I call you Wiggy?)! I agree with the rest on the line breaks; it reads kind of stilted at the moment, but I'm sure it can be fixed. Also, this is a very prosaic poem, not a lot of images or challenges. Maybe you could build some more interesting language into it? As it is, it just kinda seems too...simple. LOL.

The wind slices my face
As I stumble to the top.
The smoke billows out
From me
As I perch precariously
On the edge.

Lets see now...I think part of the problem here is that you repeat yourself a bit. "as I stumble to the top" and "as I perch" both echo each other and it's too close to feel like anything but a dull sort of mimicking, rather than a reverberation (work with me here...it's late and I tend to be confusing when I'm tired, LOL). I would suggest changing this wording to something stronger and less passive. Sort of like:

I stumble to the top in the slicing wind,
smoke billowing as I balance myself
on the edge.

I would definitely put "on the edge" on a line of its own - it makes it blunt and hard and implies a cliff (which I assume is where "I" is). Why do you say "smoke billows out from me"? I'm curious as to the intention here. Are we meant to think of a dragon, or someone with their clothes on fire? LOL 'cause those are the images I'm getting.

Was it worth
The thirty pieces of silver?
The sneer sliding across
Your face
Tells me it was.

This bit seriously makes me intrigued. Was *what* worth 30 pieces of silver??? I was kinda disappointed that the poem just ended there, but the sense of mystery and provocation lends high drama to the piece which gives it a great deal of colour for something so short and lacking in metaphors! LOL. What I'm trying to say is, I like it. But your line breaks could use a bit of tweaking:

Was it worth the thirty pieces of silver?
The sneer that slides across your face
tells me that it was.

What I would suggest with line breaks is first, read it out loud to yourself, and pause at each line break. Does it sound right? Does it form a rhythm? Is it smooth? Does it flow? Does it change the meaning of the line, break up a sentence, make the transition between ideas awkward or clearer? Does it define a break in the "story" of the poem? The line breaks (as I am slowly learning) should give meaning to the poem and the words. The sounds you leave lines on must also be taken into account, weird (and obsessive) as it seems: if they're sharp, you get a hard break, implying urgency or anger - if they're soft, you get a gentle break, implying a drift, a smoothness, perhaps a passivity. Line breaks, I am finding, are very awesome when used right.

So yeah. That's my 2 cents (or perhaps $2.00 LOL) worth. Happy editing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

*squee* Wow. That was beautiful.

I kind of wish it had more meaning behind it, or maybe it doesn't and I just don't see it? I'll have to sit and think about that...

But it was just... it was wonderful. The lines flowed into each other, I'm a sucker for alliterations, and the words and imagery was beautiful. Wind slicing? I see a cut up face. The smoke thing? It was grand ^_^

But I seem rather ramble-y tonight, don't I?

I do like the simplicity of it all. And overall while reading this in sort of a beautifully blunt way, the line breaks almost fit. I admit that some changes could be made but altogether it did flow greatly for me.

The wind slices my face
As I stumble to the top.
The smoke billows out
From me

**my favorite part. I think this is where your description and line break-age really comes through. Great job!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Okay I wanted to make this clear, I am not like Firestarter I don't know that much about poetry. I just see if I like it or not. And if I don't I tell them, I don't line arrangments or any of that other percise poerty (and writing) stuff. Lucky you, and the rest of YWS.

Anyay, I liked this. I cannot explain why, I just do. There is something that I like about. That catches my eye. I cannot put my finger on it. I just like it.

Okay, I will stop rambling on. But I just wanted to tell you, Good Job!

Live in love.

-- M.B.Author

Uh-oh, I don't get it you lost me at the smoke and the silver. I think I understand the emotions behind it, but I don't understand what I'm reading right in front of my face. Oh well, tut tut on me.

You use the word "the" many many times. They account for 12% of your poem, in fact. Okay, so that isn't really so much when you look at the number, but it was enough that I noticed before I had finished reading the first time through. Just pointing it out.

I think a little expansion wouldn't hurt to bring everything together, but too much and I think you might get lost.

I agree that the linebreaks and imagery could do with a little caffeine--but I loved this, otherwise. ^^ That line about the thirty silver pieces, was it worth it--gorgeous! ^^ Maybe, though, you should try to adopt some more abstract images, as well?