I Am Totally a Real-Life Wizard (Not Clickbait, I Swear!)

It was Guy. His hands were deep in his pockets and there was a black eye on his face. “What are you doing here? You betrayed Josephinzo!”

Dusk groaned. “Dude, you need to leave.”

“My name is Guy!”

“That’s not what I meant!”

Suddenly, Guy’s good eye narrowed. “What’s that behind you?”

Valeri quickly leaned against the shelf, covering the fangs. “What, the chocolate bars?”

Guy groaned. “No, stupid! What are you hiding with your stupid body?”

“Insult my sister again.” Vendetta straightened their posture and crossed their arms. “I dare you.”

Guy growled. “Look, I’m just here to get some stuff for Josephinzo. You traitors should be grateful he decided not to hunt you down!”

Dusk glowed a violent violet. “Josephinzo’s the real evil one here. You shouldn’t listen to him.”

As Dusk talked, Valeri quietly slipped the fangs off the shelf and held them behind their back. Then they stepped aside. “Fine, take a look. Then just let us shop in peace, Guy.”

Guy glowered at the shelf. “What was there before?”

“It was empty when we got here, Guy.” Vendetta sighed. “Most places are understaffed. They haven’t had a chance to restock.”

Guy balled his hand into a fist. “Don’t play smart with me!”

Valeri shrugged. “What are you talking about? According to you, we’re stupid, so how can we also be smart?” She edged away and started backing towards the door, bag of fangs clutched tightly. “Stop contradicting yourself, Guy. Come on, Vendetta and Dawn.”

Suddenly, the satyr behind the counter called out, “Hey, you’ve got to pay for those mermaid fangs!”

Valeri froze.

Guy growled. “So that’s what you’re hiding. Give them to me!”

Vendetta stepped between Valeri and Guy. “Make us.”

Guy stepped back. “Fine.”

Vendetta nodded. “Fine.”

Guy punched them square in the jaw.

For a moment, there was silence. Then Valeri launched herself at Guy, screaming, “How dare you touch them, you no-good stinky piece of Limburger cheese!!”

They tried to attack Guy’s face, but Guy warded them off with his forearms. But he couldn’t escape Amalthea the hamster, who squeaked and landed squarely on top of his head.

Guy looked up. Amalthea bared her fangs.

Then Guy stumbled back under the assault of her deadly claws. “Ow! Ged it off!”

Vendetta stumbled backwards, crashing into a shelf. They took a deep breath, rubbing her chin.

Dusk whacked Guy’s shins. “Apologize you fiend!” They smacked him again.

Guy yanked Amalthea off of his head. “I demand that you stop!!”

“Heck no.” Valeri launched herself at Guy again, who nearly collapsed under the combined efforts of a hamster, a magic bow, and a human.

The counter satyr stood up uncertainly and stuttered, “U-uh, no fighting in the store, please!” But Guy threw Amalthea over the counter, and the satyr found himself face-to-face with the angry hamster. He gulped.

Vendetta sighed. “Everyone, stop!”

Dusk froze and Guy threw it across the room. “Do you want me to punch you again?”

All of Dusk’s arrows menacingly left their quiver, floating in a protective circle around them.

Guy still glared at them. “I can take a few arrows.”

Dusk flickered purple. “But can you take this? Go, Indigo!”

An indigo arrow wobbled into the air, and a few seconds later, Guy almost tripped over his own feet. He staggered to the counter and grabbed onto it. “A clumsiness spell? Bah!”

Mulberry rushed Guy, cutting small holes into his clothes and pricking his fingers. Guy reared back. “You’ll never defeat me!”

Vendetta sighed. “Can you just leave us alone? Please?”

“No.” Guy frowned as Heather spouted water from their tip and drenched Guy’s shirt. “Not my favorite shirt! Ugh. You’re gonna pay for this!”

Dusk rushed Guy again, and Valeri tripped him. “Get out of here before you embarrass yourself even more.”

Suddenly, a yellow portal appeared and Amy stepped through. “What’s taking you so long, Guy? If the mermaid fangs aren’t here, let’s go.”

Guy growled. "The traitors have the mermaid fangs!"

Vendetta took a step back. "Hey, Amy."

Dusk whizzed back to Vendetta.