Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 5)

"How you feeling, kiddo?" Zander asked, trying to distract Ky from her anxiety.

"Good." She watched the luggage getting packed away. Much like her opportunity to change her mind.

"You still want to go?" Zander asked, looking at her skeptically. It sure didn't sound like she was feeling as 'good' as she claimed.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." She didn't have the mental capacity to put on for an act for Zander just then. She was going to have to put on a much, much harder one in a few moments, and she needed to save her energy for it.

She was going to have to convince Tomhas and Anneke that she wanted to go. Which meant she was going to have to make it through the goodbye without falling apart. And then she was going to have to maintain it even longer than that, since it wasn't like she was about to go to her room so she could have a good cry. No. She was going to have to pretend that she wanted this. For at least two more weeks.

That was a long time.

(Aw kiddo)

Tomhas finished with the bags and stepped toward the group, wringing his hands and smiling nervously. "Hey there. Here we are..."
"Here we are," Gaius agreed, eyes flicking toward Tomhas. His brother looked terribly uncomfortable with all this. They'd talked it over, they'd agreed; there was no going back. Was he having second thoughts? Tomhas's eyes were darting all over the place, and he was sweating despite the cold.

Here they were.

Ky carefully swallowed the sigh that wanted to come out, and instead took a deep breath, trying to ground herself. To be strong for Tomhas. She could do that. He needed to believe that she wanted this. Needed to believe this was without a shadow of a doubt good for her and good for them.

She glanced at Lyra. How did she not seem nervous about this?

Ky supposed she'd at least been there before. And she'd had fourteen years of knowing Gaius and Sara. Perhaps Ky would be less anxious about all this if she was heading to spend a few months at Zander's house -- if he even had one -- than she was to head off with people she'd barely even gotten to know before this.

Still. It was best. Tomhas wouldn't be sending her if it wasn't.

Tomhas took an awkward step forward. "I'm gonna miss all of you," he said quietly, forcing a smile. "Be safe, please. And write to me often." He tried to catch Lyra's eye, and she finally looked up at him. There was nothing in her gaze but perception of his presence, and he faltered.
"I'll miss you too," she said finally, and Tomhas relaxed very slightly. She took a few steps forward and hugged him loosely.
Gaius watched this in silence; it would do Lyra some good to be away from Tomhas by her own choice, he thought. She was angry with him, or at least feeling very complicated right now. Loquiturs weren't very good at giving each other space, in his experience, and what she needed right now was space.

Ky forced herself to take a few more deep breaths, shoving her anxiety down to the little box in the base of her gut where it belonged. She'd done this plenty of times before. She couldn't show her anxiety when she was representing Aleth; this was the exact opposite end of the spectrum of expectations. Now, rather than to lock her emotions away to be calculating and hurt people, she needed to lock them away so they wouldn't hurt someone. Hurt him.

She could do this. She channeled every last speck of energy she had, trying to exude a positive energy rather than the anxiety she was marinating in.

Tomhas turned to Ky next, searching her face for any sign that she felt the same way he did. "I'll see you soon," he promised. "It won't be as long as you think. Time flies, right?" He offered an awkward smile. "Everybody will be waiting for you when you get back, and everything will be in order by then."

"It'll be good!" Ky said, forcing a grin. It didn't look fake, per se, but it didn't reach her eyes, no matter how much she willed it to seem genuine. "It's for the best!"

Gods, this was taking so much energy to maintain.

Tomhas gave her a long look. "It's not too late," he said after a moment, very quietly. "You're absolutely sure about this, Kylia?"

Gods, he was pulling the 'Kylia' card. Did he know that hit her right in the feels? Was he doing it on purpose to test her resolve? Having her father calling her that again made her feel soft. And she couldn't handle being soft right now. She needed to be stoic.

Even though this whole stupid thing was his own idea.

Of course she wasn't sure about it. She didn't want to go. She'd never wanted to go. But she couldn't go back on her word. She'd promised she was going home with Gaius, and that was that. There was no backing out now.

"Of course," she said, still smiling, but this one looked more strained and her anxiety was creeping back into her energy -- oozing out of its neat little box and filling her gut with its poison. "As you said, it won't be for long."

Tomhas sighed heavily and pulled her into a tight hug. "Just come home safe, both of you," he murmured. "Please, please come home safe." He wasn't sure what he'd do if they didn't.

Ky tried to give him a neutral hug, but instead ended up clinging to him tightly, as she steeled her resolve and tried to wring every last bit of dopamine out of this moment that she could. What if this was the last time she ever had her Papa hugged her again? What if--?

She pushed the thoughts away and loosened her grasp, but didn't pull away first, letting him decide on how long it would last. She felt a bit guilty, and couldn't help but feel like he was begging her not to do something stupid while she was gone. Begging her not to break her promise.

Tomhas held her at arm's length for a moment, trying to keep his composure.
"First time I met you, you know," he said haltingly, "well, on the stairs at least, you just couldn't stop smiling. Wouldn't stop. And I thought 'gods, that poor kid's face must hurt so much.' And I'm thinking the same thing now."

Ky choked on a laugh, unable to keep it together, even though her amusement and sadness were all melding into one in that moment. Gods, she’d forgotten that. How fake she had to be on Aleth’s behalf. How she’d been lying through her teeth when Tomhas called her on having a dislocated shoulder.

How was she even supposed to answer that?

She wanted to be like ‘at least I’m not scared anymore’ but that wasn’t true in the least. Not scared of him. But she was terrified. And she always would be. She considered joking that at least her shoulder didn’t hurt this time, but quickly decided that would make Tomhas feel bad about her arm, which most definitely hurt. Even now.

“Heh, at least—“ The smile broke for half a moment, a stab of pain hitting her like a fist to the gut. Like Aleth’s fist had come, after that moment on the stairs. She forced the smile back quickly, trying to pretend that that hadn’t just happened. “At least this situation is better… and has hope at the end.”

Where on the stairs she very much hadn’t thought she was ever ever ever going to get away from Aleth.

Tomhas nodded slightly, taking a deep breath. "I'm not going to tell you to stop smiling because you shouldn't need me to tell you," he said after a pause. "You should always be able to do things when you're ready to, never before. But Ky, I'm gonna say right now that I'm scared shitless of letting you and Lyra ride out those gates, and I'm not expecting you to be as happy as you look right now. Okay? So no pressure." He patted her shoulder and hugged her again.

Ky let out a deep sigh at that, the tension releasing from her shoulders as she leaned into the hug and, finally, let the smile slip away. What was the point in maintaining it? He’d basically just said he knew she was lying, so there was no point in keeping the fib going if he wasn’t buying it. “It’s for the best,” she murmured into his chest.