Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (cont'd)

It was all the encouragement she needed.

Ky clung to him for dear life, sobs racking her entire body. She felt like she should apologize for how stupid and weak she was being — but her words were coming out incomprehensible. And she couldn’t very well apologize for the very behavior she was still engaging in, in this very moment.

It hurt so bad.

Everything she’d been through. All the years of trying to self-soothe with no one to comfort her. To cradle her as she sobbed.

She could feel him also shaking, but his arms still felt so strong. Like nothing in the entire world would be able to get past them to hurt her. And she was too focused on her own hurt to even consider how her actions might be impacting Loquitur.

All Tomhas could think about now was how he should have held Lyra this way when he found her battered and hurting in Wolf Keep. How he should have marched up to Tarr then and there and driven a sword through his insolent throat. He'd sent out a letter detailing his intent to keep Lyra here and break off the marriage last week and no reply had been received yet, but it didn't feel like enough.
Here he was comforting this other child, this stranger whom he'd taken in, while his daughter was off in her room remembering what had happened to her.
Tomhas shut his eyes and shook away those thoughts. He would find Lyra soon enough. Right now, Ky needed him. How fragile she was, just like he and Gaius had been all those years ago. So many apologies out of her mouth, though. How could she find so many things to be sorry for when she was blameless?

Ky wasn’t even sure what she was crying about.

It felt like everything and nothing at all. At the same time.

It wasn’t like anything bad had happened to her. Nothing bad had happened to her in weeks. Loquitur had protected her — just as he promised. And she believed he’d continue to do so.

So why was she crying now? Like an idiot little girl, upset by Tarr for no reason at all. It’s not like she had anything to cry about.

And yet she couldn’t stop.

Loquitur’s arms were so strong and protective and even though she was aware he wasn't her papa — and he never would be — this was still the most secure she’d ever felt, ever since the last time she’d left her own papa’s embrace.

She forced herself to take as deep of breaths as she could, desperately trying to calm herself.

Tomhas's own eyes felt thick, and he reached up a hand to wipe at them before she could know. He had to be the strong one for her. He could cry later, when it was just him and Anneke together. Right now Ky needed him to be strong.
"There now," he murmured, massaging her back after he had gotten his tears away. "It's alright. You're okay." He winced; were those the right things to say? They sounded so hollow. He'd said them so many times to so many different people and yet they'd never rung so hollow as they did now. Except perhaps when he'd comforted Gaius like this.
"Take your time," he added after another pause, and again it sounded so false, like it was something everybody said but nobody meant. But he did mean it, with all his heart. Ky needed time, and she needed freedom. She needed to learn that it was alright to take a break from it all and just let herself feel.

(I'm gonna go to bed now; I've got class in the morning. Goodnight!)

(Night!)

Ky started to get herself under control, but his words of sympathy brought a fresh wave of emotion crashing into her.

“I don’t want any of this,” she sobbed, finding her voice. “I want my Papa and my farm and my horse and I want to be Mr. Lian’s intern and follow Mr. Drakan around his smithy and tease Mr. Myrond and teach Talia how to read and out-barter my friends for candies and learn herbs from Ms Zikyia.”

Ky finally gasped, running out of breath after all that.

She let out a few more anguished sobs.

“I wish I didn’t know Aleth exists. I wish he didn’t exist.” She choked. “I wish he didn’t exist. And I wish I didn’t know how to read. And I wish I wasn’t so useful to him. And I wish he would have never noticed me in the first place. And I wish I could have been better so he didn’t hurt me so much. And-and-and…”

Her stomach ached from how hard she was sobbing.

“I wish I was eleven again and that I never would have turned twelve or left my township or knew how horrible this entire horrible world is.” She was vaguely aware her tears were getting on Loquitur’s furs, but she couldn’t quite find the will to do anything about it. “And most of all I wish my Papa was still alive and that he could make everything be okay again. But he’s not; and he can’t. And… and… I wish that everyone acted like him… and like you… and that horrible men didn’t exist and didn’t treat me horribly and treat everyone else horribly. And I want Aleth to die.”

Ky hesitated, a pang of horror running through her. She hadn’t meant to say that. Hadn’t meant to think that. Hadn’t even meant to feel that. That was a cruel thought. And she wasn’t cruel. She wouldn’t let herself be. Her trembling redoubled.

“I don’t want him to die but I don’t want him to exist,” Ky corrected, taking a shaky breath — more of a gasp, really. “And I know it’s bad of me, but I don’t want Tarr to exist, either. And I wish your brother never existed, so no one would have hurt you. And-and-and…”

Ky was silent for a long moment, desperately wishing she could get herself under control.

“I miss my Papa,” she wailed at last. That was the crux of the matter. “I loved him so much — and I still love him so much — and I miss him so much. And I can’t ever have him ever again and it’s… it’s… horrible. I want my Papa.”

Tomhas didn't want his brother to not exist. He loved his brother, and he was convinced that his brother still cared as well. This was just a disagreement, albeit a very large one, and it would pass. He wanted to say all this, to redeem Gaius in her eyes--he thought that in a different world, she and Gaius would get along very well. Gaius was the one who'd borne the brunt of Michael's torments, so he could relate to Ky's pain even more than Tomhas could.
But instead Tomhas just stayed quiet, rocking them both slightly now. She didn't need to hear his insecurities and justifications right now. She would see Gaius for herself in a week or so, and then she could understand how complicated a man he was. For now, though, she was only a child, and she was in so much pain...she needed a father and a friend, not a fellow victim.

(Ah she meant Michael by that comment, not Gaius! Sorry for not being clear lol)

Ky kept sobbing for a while, but she slowly calmed herself, soothed by Loquitur’s kindness. At long last, she pulled away — but immediately plopped down on the stair next to him and wrapped her arms around herself, staring at her own feet.

She was humiliated. And sad. But mostly appreciative.

But she’d let her pain run her mouth, and she shouldn’t have done that.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, voice barely audible. “I shouldn’t have said that about Lord Michael and Lord Tarr. I didn’t mean it.” She hesitated. That was a lie. “… well I do mean it,” she admitted after a pause. “But I know I shouldn’t.”

"You don't have to apologize," Tomhas said softly, leaning back with a small sigh. "And they needed those things said about them. I mean it when I'm an ass about Michael, and so does Gaius. You're not the only person in the world who hates people, and you're entitled to your hate." He ran a hand through his hair, then wiped at his eyes again. "You're allowed to feel things. You don't need permission, Ky. And you're only a child--you shouldn't have gone through the things you went through under any circumstances."

Ky sniffled and nodded. “Thank you.”

It was nice that he didn’t fault her for her meltdown. Even though it was, in fact, her fault. But she appreciated his patience and his kindness.

“I’m usually better about keeping my emotions turned off,” she murmured. It probably a bad coping mechanism. To be able to dissociate at the drop of a hat and pretend she didn’t feel all the horrible things she felt. But it’d worked for her this long. “… but I suppose I just proved that they still exist, despite my best efforts.” She rubbed her eyes, desperately willing her body to stop feeling like she’d just sobbed. “It’s embarrassing.”

She took a deep breath. Maybe he was right. Maybe she was entitled to acknowledge that what she’d been through was terrible.

“But I appreciate your kindness.” She finally risked a quick glance at his face, but looked away, embarrassed. “It… helps to have someone so patient and understanding while I…” How could she even begin to summarize the explosion of emotion she’d just had? “… it helps. You help.”

Tomhas smiled sadly. "I'm glad to hear it. I don't always feel like I'm helping." He drew his knees up to the step just below him and picked at his fingernails. "Take it from me, though; turning off your emotions doesn't help at all. It just makes it worse. Gaius does it all the time, and look at him now."

Ky shivered slightly. She didn't like the idea of growing up cold and bitter like Lord Ash seemed to be.

"I want to be kind," she murmured. She'd worked so hard at being a kind person, even to the people who didn't deserve it. "... And... And I'm afraid that I won't be, if I let the pain win." Maybe she'd already let that happen. There was so much anger bottled up in her, primarily towards Aleth. "Afraid that I'm not."

"Bottling up pain is often what makes people unkind in the first place," Tomhas mused. "I expect Aleth is the way he is because he bottled it up. And I know you're kind, Ky. I've seen the way you are with your kitten and how you talk to my daughters and sons. You have a gentle heart, beyond any doubt. That's a difficult thing to have sometimes, but you have it."

She smiled a bit, reassured by his words. She was gentle with her kitten and she did enjoy being around his children. So, maybe he was right. Maybe she was doing okay.

"Thank you," she murmured. She was quiet for a long moment. "You know, my papa always said that he'd rather I be kind than anything else in the whole world. More than being smart or being successful or... anything."

She took a deep breath, still staring at her own knees, arms wrapping around herself a bit tighter.

"I often wonder if he'd be proud of the person I've become," she said quietly. "I'm so different now than I used to be. And... and I know that's not really my fault -- I did what I had to to survive. But... I wonder if he'd like the version of me that I am now. If I'm the kind of person he'd want to keep as company."

"You're his daughter," Tomhas pointed out. "I don't think it matters who else you are so long as you're his daughter. A father's love is something powerful." It was also something terrible in some cases; Tomhas's brother in-law Arcus was proof of that. And a father's apathy...well, Tomhas and Gaius were living proof of what that did to people. But that was beside the point.
"And as for being successful..." He'd been prepared to show Ky his old souvenirs from his days in banishment, to show her that a Lord could be reduced to a farmer and still be the same person and vice versa, but he had a better idea now. "You've heard of Lord Adree, correct?"

(Omg the quote gen just spit out this gem: "It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." — Albus Dumbledore basically the tl;dr of this entire scene xD)

"Yes, sir," Ky murmured, looking up at him with a slightly furrowed brow, wondering where he was going with this.

(Also I remember nothing about Lord Adree lol Ky would, but I could use a bit of exposition to get up to speed haha)