Far From Home

Evaline paused, slowly glancing at him at the corner of her eye, then peering back up at the sky.

"Importance is subjective," she said. "We likely have two different definitions."

James hummed again, and lowered his gaze. The drowsiness was starting to tug on his ever-present weariness, and it was being persistent. It was getting harder to fight it. His eyelids felt heavy, and his mind was starting to feel foggy.

“Even if we could see Nye from here, it would still be out of reach,” he said. “I don’t think knowing where it was in the sky would make much a difference.”

Evaline wondered if what James was saying was deeper than what it appeared. Was his hopeless words mirroring hopeless thoughts he had swirling in his head? Did he really not think Nye was important?

She figured he wasn't eager to go back given his circumstances, but it was still his home. Even if Nye seemed to be against him, right now he was in an unfamiliar, foreign land. She could understand how he would be feeling because she had felt that once. It was hard to say when exactly it changed for her, though.

"Maybe not," she said. "But it's a nice reminder." She paused, trying to remember his words from earlier in the night.

"Even if you're far from home, your past there will always be a part of your story." She tore her gaze away to look at at him, noting that he was starting to show that he looked tired. "Isn't that right?"

James could feel the pull of sleep growing stronger. It wasn't anything overwhelming, but the desire to lie down was becoming much more tempting. He looked over at Elliot, who was fast asleep, standing where he was tied to a tree, not far from the fire.

"Yeah," he said. "That's right."

Evaline noted how James's eyelids seemed to be getting heavier, and his movement when he looked at Elliot was slowed. He was probably getting tired, but she wanted to stop suggesting sleep to him since she wanted him to choose to do it.

She was happy to keep him awake a little longer if he'd rather do that. It wasn't like they were in a particular hurry to get to Terra, so they could leave whenever he felt rested. Still, she felt like she was carrying the conversation. It was okay, though. She understood if he felt anxious.

"But it doesn't have to define you," she clarified again, then shrugged, leaning back. "I believe in starting new chapters and turning a new page. You know, instead of playing the same old story, over and over."

James felt his eyes starting to sting with weariness. It was a sensation he was familiar with, but it always made keeping his eyes open harder. He was used to fighting it, of course, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to for much longer.

He didn't really want to sleep, but he didn't want to stay away either. Not when he felt like he was one wrong word from being exposed in the conversation. Dancing around the truth was a lot harder when someone knew him - even a little. He had to be more careful.

And it wasn't even just that Evaline knew him. There were plenty of people that knew him to some degree.

But Evaline seemed to care, or something. And he didn't want to change her perception of him more than he already had. She said she wasn't going to try to fix him or force him to change, but it was clear that she didn't like who he'd become if she thought he needed to change in the first place. He wondered if she even liked him anymore at all, or if all of this was just her being polite and returning a favor she felt like she owed to him.

Out of obligation. Nothing more.

He looked down at Bubby, who was still curled up, asleep.

What he wanted to say was that starting a new chapter sounded great in theory, but in real life, when you were living it out, it was far less clear than that. And you don't always know where the new chapter is going at the start.

Personally, he felt like he was just waiting for the end of the book. He didn't want to start a new chapter when he already felt like he was in his last.

"Is that what you think my life has been?" he asked quietly. "Just the same old chapter, over and over?"

"What?" Evaline said half-distractedly as she heard the offense in his choice words. She knew right then and there that she said something wrong.

She wasn't even talking about James. She barely even knew what his "past chapters" were, or what she could be referencing as the same old chapter.

"I -- no," she said, not wanting to mess this up any further than she had. Luckily the effects of the tea kept a lid on her anxiety in these kinds of situations. "Sorry. Poor choice of words. That's not what I meant at all. I don't even know your..."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, starting again.

"I was referencing myself," she decided to say so that he wouldn't feel like he was put on the spot. "I didn't think that of you at all. I was just giving advice with what worked for me."

James closed his eyes for a moment, sleepily. But the moment he did they shot back open, out of habit. He straightened up a little and sighed.

"I shouldn't have assumed," he said wearily. "It's fine."

He just heard what he expected to hear.

James slowly got to his feet. He didn't want to go to sleep. He didn't know the next time he'd have a chance to just sit with Evaline like this, even if it hurt. Even if it was different, and he was always walking on eggshells.

"The tea is working. I should probably go to bed," he said, his voice low. "Before it wears off..."

Evaline hesitated. "Okay," she said as she watched James get up, drowsiness now on his face.

If this were yesterday or the days prior, she'd have thought nothing of it. But it suddenly felt like they ended on an uncomfortable note -- more uncomfortable than when he tried to mention their last day together, and she shut it down and decided to go to sleep too. Now she was on the other receiving end, and she didn't like it.

And she felt a bit guilty.

"James, wait," she blurted out before he could get too far. "Is everything okay?"

It was a vague question. It was always a vague question.

"I wouldn't want you to go to sleep if something is bothering you," she said. "You don't have to tell me what it is... but if there's anything I can do to help..."

She just hoped that there was something she could do.

James stood on his feet, eyes on the door of the Yurt. He felt heavy from drowsiness, but his chest felt like it was aching.

There was a familiar feeling creeping over him. He just wanted to sleep and sleep forever. Normally, he never could. But he actually felt like maybe, just maybe the tea would help him enough that he could get swallowed up long enough to forget.

Of course, it would never be long enough. And he could never forget. And it was never enough. But he still felt the pull.

He took in a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh.

"Thank you for caring, Evaline," he said slowly. "But I think I just need to get some rest. I'm tired."

He started walking to the Yurt but paused in his steps as he passed her.

"Keep an eye on Bubby for me," he said.

"Sure," Evaline said softly, but James was already going in the yurt. Only the sound of the buzzing night bugs around them were heard, and her gaze slowly rested on Bubby sleeping peacefully. Sometimes it seemed like he cared more about the small, tiny bird more than himself.

She sighed, laying down and leaning against Ellie as she faced the stars again. Ellie stretched a bit and then curled around her head, like she had done this many times. Because she had done this many times. Almost every night, actually, until James came along.

Slowly, she petted her chin and heard her purr, but all she could think about was if she said something else that may have hurt him today or his entire stay so far.

The next six hours crept up fast.

She anticipated James getting up later since he had been getting up himself for six hours, but since he looked so tired all the time and obviously needed help to get a good night's rest, she wondered how much of that time was spent awake. Still, she assumed that he'd at least get more rest than usual... even though she wasn't sure what his "usual" was. She hadn't exactly been watching him sleep at night to study if he was awake or asleep.

Evaline maintained the fire until daybreak, and she caught up on her reading. It wasn't particularly an exciting read; just random books she found here and there. She only had one right now and it was a thin science textbook that was crammed in with small text and hardly any pictures. She didn't really understand everything, but it kept her busy, and she did learn a few things.

She had a weird amount of energy and wanted to do some of her exercises, but she didn't want to venture too far from James in case he woke up, and the tall grass wasn't exactly an ideal place. Instead she took care of Bubby, feeding him another berry from her pack, and giving him a few pats. She set up some rocks around his nest so that he wouldn't be able to climb out and run away.

She also did radio some people, which was rare for her, so she walked a bit away and turned the volume on low so James wouldn't wake up from the inevitable screaming of amazement that she was actually answering back. She mostly answered random questions and checked in with the usual people who bothered to use the system (which, turned out, was mostly everyone except her). She actively avoided Oliver's personal channel, though. The channel existing was a joke at this point.

Evaline got what she wanted out of it: information about the birds. She mostly asked Mel who actively kept in touch with Alistair, but she said he didn't study birds, just mammals. So the only information she really got was from her saying, "Well, if it's a girl, it'd lay eggs, right?"

It was ridiculous that Evaline had a hard time clearing her mind during her usual morning meditation because -- of all the thoughts -- she couldn't stop wondering how small a bumblebird's egg would be since it was already small enough.

She decided to meditate earlier than normal because she wanted to surprise James with a cooked breakfast. She had to work with what she had since she didn't plan on doing this in the first place, but she figured it would help clear the air a bit. She wasn't sure if she did anything wrong, exactly, but it didn't hurt regardless.

The small potatoes were done boiling when she was finished, and she silently got to work, chopping those up along with a bell pepper, a clove of garlic, and a shallot. It sizzled in the oil and various seasoning she put on the pan.

James was surprised that he didn't wake up as many times throughout the night. He still did wake up twice, but he fell back asleep pretty quickly, as opposed to tossing and turning for another hour like usual.

Somehow, he didn't quite feel rested, but he did feel a little less tired than usual.

He sighed and sat up, looking at the sun peeking through the yurt's window. Evaline was probably waiting for him, so he got to his feet, and stepped outside, squinting at the sun.

Evaline was waiting for the food to soften up when she saw movement at the corner of her eye. She looked up and saw that James had exited the yurt earlier than she anticipated.

"Morning," she said to grab his attention. "How did you sleep?"

James paused in the doorway for a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the bright morning light. He then looked over to Evaline, and the fire, where it looked like she was cooking something.

"Better, I think," he said, wandering slowly over to her. "Was everything alright when I was asleep?"

Better was still not ideal, especially if James normally got less hours of sleep than the six he received with the supplementary tea. Evaline was beginning to fully understand just how tired he was. One step at a time.

"Alright, yes," she said. "Fairly uneventful. Bubby ate half a berry and is probably a boy since he doesn't lay eggs? I don't know." She gazed back at the food still lightly sizzling in front of her. "And I thought I'd cook us breakfast, but you're up earlier than I thought, so I'm still working through it."