Dragons, Dystopians, and Denial

Elias smiled a little at her comment, but then it faded when Jerica's voice and words turned solemn.

He wasn't sure there was anything he could say to make her feel better, and he wasn't even sure she wanted to hear it. It seemed that she didn't like to be consoled.

"Have you ever thought about running away?" he asked. "You have access to portals, after all. You could start a new life in another world."

She pulled her arms tighter around herself and said what had been engrained in her since she was a child. “My duty lies here.”

"Says who?"

“All the people who will die if I leave.”

Elias hummed this over. "How many people?" he asked gently.

“Does it matter?” She rested her chin on her knees and sighed deeply. “And how could I know? All I know is that I’m the only one who stands up to Levin. Who knows what he’d do if I didn’t stop him. To the servants? The peasants? Rek? Akeno? Kieran?”

Her throat went tight and she wiped her face roughly as more tears began dribbling down it.

Elias noted Jerica's tears, but he didn't place any more attention to it than he needed to. He figured Jerica didn't like to be vulnerable and called out when she was.

"It's not your job or responsibility to save everyone," he said softly.

"Kieran is my responsibility." She sniffed, knowing fully well that it was a losing battle to try to pretend that she wasn't crying. She pulled her arms even tighter around her legs. "Was."

Elias tried to remember who Kieran was, but last night was fuzzy. All he remembered from that info dump was that she once lost a finger nail.

"Kieran," he repeated gently. "A close friend?"

"One of my biggest fuck ups." Jerica scrubbed at her face, voice quiet. If Elias wanted to hear all of her regrets, may as well start at the one at the very top of the list. "He was a street rat... I was in the market one day when he tried to steal some apples."

Jerica pulled a rag out of her pocket and wiped her face off then blew her nose.

"Soldiers caught him... and the punishment for theft is having your hand cut off." She shook her head, sighing deeply. "And I felt bad for him. He was only ten? Eleven? Something like that. He couldn't help being hungry."

She stared straight at the water.

"So, I didn't know what to do... and I lied and said he was my squire, and that this was a training exercise in stealth, paid off the merchant, sent the soldiers away." She closed her eyes, so, so frustrated with herself. "Thought I was smart."

She laughed bitterly. "Couldn't have been further from the truth... squires have to accompany you in battle. I tried so hard to keep him safe."

Jerica cracked an eye open and looked at Elias earnestly, hoping with everything within her that he understood how much she meant it. "I tried."

"But we got separated, and the next thing I know he got yanked off the City Wall and... what could I have done?" She pressed her forehead against her knees. She'd asked that question again and again and again. She still hadn't come up with an answer. "I kept the Nykerians away from him with my bow, but if I'd climbed down it would have drawn more attention to him."

She took a shaky breath.

"And then the Chijurru came over and tried to hurt him, so I jumped off the Wall and killed it but... it about killed me." How she wished it had. "I failed him. I should have just left him in that fucking market."

Even through his hazy and throbbing mind, he listened intently, trying to absorb every word.

Kieran was someone close to Jerica. He almost had his hand cut off for stealing apples, and to save him, she said he was her squire. In the end, he made his life more dangerous. It was unclear whether he died or not -- Elias thought he did, based on her expression and tone -- but he didn't want to ask and verify. The Chijurru experience was also a traumatic one that left a lingering impact on her since it almost killed her.

"I'm sorry that happened," he said gently, offering her a sympathetic look. "But you can't blame yourself for an act of kindness. Your intentions were good, and that's all that matters, in the end."

"Tell that to Kieran," she snorted.

"Did he ever blame you?" he asked.

"I don't know," Jerica grumbled. "I haven't seen him since I jumped off the wall to fight the Chijurru... and I don't know how long after that he might have survived to have time to blame me."

"I guarantee," Elias said slowly, "that in that moment, blaming you was the last thing that crossed his mind."

He sighed.

"It's not easy... and it's not your fault. And the fact that you feel guilt is indicative to you begin human." He tried to give her a small empathetic smile. "Not a monster."