The Fateful Heart 2

It wasn't enough.

Evaline maintained the gentle pressure on his hand, and she finally dared to take a glance at James. He was holding back sobs, but the streams of tears kept flowing down his face. It made her heart sink, and she couldn't stop the sadness from showing in her eyes.

But she didn't look away. She wanted to help with something.

What did James want?

He wanted words.

She wasn't good with that, but... she could try.

"You said that you preferred to be dysfunctional together rather than alone," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "And I agreed. I still agree."

Evaline looked away towards the sky as if the words were written there. She didn't know what she was saying. The words were just falling out her mouth.

"I'm glad..." she started, trailing off then before deciding to just say all of it without a filter. "I'm glad we are together. And friends. And safe, and alive, and here. And... I'm happy I'm in Nye. The next months are not going to be easy, but I think, as long as we stick together, we'll be okay."

She paused and briefly bit her tongue to figure out what to say next, if anything, and she found her top hand softly nervously rubbing against James's hand.

James heard what Evaline was saying, but even like with the story, he didn't know how much it was sinking in. He listened so his mind had something to grab onto, but he was just so, so tired of being in pain. And he knew it wasn't over either. It would take him months to fully recover, and even in the immediate future, they had starvation and malnutrition to worry about.

He wasn't lying when he told Evaline it would be hard. Dangerous. Frustratingly difficult, sometimes, just to survive.

He tried to cling to Evaline's words of comfort.

As long as they stuck together, they would be okay.

He took in a slow, measured breath. Not too deep, not too shallow, but as much as he could to calm himself without triggering more stabbing pain.

"Me too," he said, though by now, his voice was warbled from constantly fighting the knot in his throat.

James said that words helped distract from the pain, so if that was the only thing she could give him to help this situation, so be it.

Ordinarily, Evaline knew that he would have added more detail to her words. Somehow, him not doing that made her feel more confident. The strained two words of agreement that left his throat was enough.

"You don't have to talk," she said. "You can just listen, if you want."

She took a deep breath, eyes scanning the area around her, and her hand still rubbing on top of his.

"I know you said we'll be okay, but we both know that it's going to be difficult to find food now. And I—well, I know you're worried, and I am too, and I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now—going hungry and all—but I just want to say... I just want to say that, whatever happens, we'll figure it out together, as a team. We can start heading towards the nearest town. I can go again. We have some money left. I'll try to get more money if we need it, and I'll be frugal with it, only buying what we absolute need to survive. We have weapons now, too, in case anything were to happen. You have a sword. I have a gun. Did you—? Well, yes, now you know."

She paused to recollect her thoughts here, but it didn't really help.

"I guess what I'm saying is—we make a good team."

Evaline turned to look over at James, shooting him a small smile.

"And even though we both know that these next few days," or longer, she thought to herself, "are not going to be easy, we'll be okay. I know we'll be okay."

Because I can undo any bad thing that comes our way.

"Because we're a team. A pair of outlaws with similar ideals."

That was a lie.

"And we'd do whatever we can to survive."

Half a lie. James would sacrifice himself for me.

"Just, as long as we're together, I know we'll be okay. We'll survive. We'll be okay."

That wasn't a lie, but she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince herself or James.

She took another deep breath, trying to read his expression and see if she could see anything past the pain and sadness in his eyes.

"I don't know if this is helping or not, but whatever you need, just let me know," she said softly, giving his hand another gentle squeeze.

It was helping. He wanted to tell her it was helping. But the more that he tried to force the sobs down, the harder they fought to come out, and the more he just felt pain, pain, pain. He didn't know why this was so different. When it was Reed and Butch, he was able to grab a hold of his spite and use it as a weapon. He'd determined not to let them see a single tear, or hear a single cry - because that was what they wanted. That was what encouraged them to keep going.

But no one was fighting him anymore. The thieves were gone. Reed and Butch weren't around. Evaline was a friend, not a foe.

And yet, despite it all, he still felt like a pitiful child. Like he should be able to get up, pull himself together, and stop crying. Over and over again he could hear it in his head; he was being dramatic, he was too much, he was overreacting, it wasn't as big as he was making it out to be. The more he let them play over and over in his mind the more he started to hear the words in a familiar voice. Carter. Overlapping with the voice of Reed, taunting him, daring him to cry like he took pleasure seeing others suffer. And Butch, telling him it was what he deserved.

And maybe did deserve it.

He'd failed to make a difference. He'd failed as a soldier, as a friend, and as a son. Everyone who ever needed him he kept failing, over and over, like that was forever his legacy. Always struggling, fighting, and trying with all his might, but it was never enough. And it always ended like this.

The worst part was it wasn't ever just him who was affected. This time it was Evaline who had to suffer for his failures.

He wished she'd met someone else. Someone better. Someone kinder. Someone safe. Someone stronger. Then she wouldn't have to be burdened with all of this.

Evaline squeezed his hand, and it was then that he realized he'd stopped listening to the sound of her voice entirely, and he'd gotten caught up in his own head.

She was probably trying so hard, and he was just... like this.

He couldn't fight it anymore. He let out an ugly sob that quickly mixed with a cry of pain, and he lurched forward, grabbing his side. He didn't realize that he took Evaline's hand with his. The sobs made the pain radiate all over, and it was like every torture wound decided to relive the moment of its conception. There was no other word to describe besides agonizing.

Evaline thought she was helping, but all of a sudden, James started to sob and pull his hand away. He inadvertently brought her hand towards him too, and she leaned towards him as her hand was brought to the other side of his body as he cried in pain.

She knew that it pained to cry, and she could see it in his face. Just seeing him like this pained her.

But she could understand how it came to this. Twice, James pulled her close when she was in an intrusive headspace. Twice, he said words of comfort. The second time he did it, Evaline didn't say or feel anything because she forced herself not to. And that was because, the first time he did this, she broke through her own barrier and sobbed, just like he was doing now. But that was a different kind of pain.

For a second, she looked at him with eyes deep of empathy. Slowly, she got up on her knees and turned so that she was facing him. She leaned in closer and wrapped her free hand around the back of his head to complete the hug.

She wanted to say something, but she also knew that any words of comfort may make James cry harder, which would be more painful. So instead, Evaline perched her head on top of his, gently ruffling his hair and stoically looking out into the land in front of her.

She didn't want to cry or feel sad. Not really.

She wanted to be angry that someone did this to him. But there was another, stronger emotion that overpowered that one. She didn't know what it was called, exactly, but it was a defiant stubbornness and promise of protection to guarantee that James comes first.

Whatever that meant.

His needs over hers.

As long as he was safe.

Even if it hurt.

James wished a million times for the pain to go away. Not just the recent wound, but all of it. Even when it would heal, it would leave a scar forever that he wouldn’t be able to forget. He didn’t know if he could bear the thought. His life had already gone downhill - and a year ago, he would sometimes tell himself that at least he had a sound mind and his health.

Now he didn’t even have that. He couldn’t sleep, and memories would come back to haunt him over and over again in his dreams - and that was far before Evaline came.

Nothing was the same. He couldn’t move the same way he used to without pain, or a twinge in his muscles, like they were telling him he couldn’t trust them.

Months spent alone, in fear, stuck with his thoughts? He may as well have been in prison. If only that were what would await him if he were to get caught.

But no. He knew if would be even worse than this. Worse than all of this. But why did it have to hurt so much to try? Why did it have to hurt so much just to stay alive, when so much of his life was filled with suffering?

It wasn’t like there was anyone around to miss him anymore. If he died now, no one would know. Besides Evaline, the only people on Nye who would’ve grieved his passing already had. Ten years ago.

James cried louder, and his shoulders started to shake. Somewhere, through the wall of pain, he could feel himself being held. But it hardly mattered anymore, did it? It wasn’t like he’d be strong enough to fight it, and if he did, it would only hurt Evaline. Whatever he did it always turned for the worse.

It was all his fault. It always was.

Evaline continued to ruffle James's hair and held him close, letting him cry all he needed. She didn't know what was going through his head, but maybe it was nothing. Maybe the pain hurt too much and he was letting it out, even if it hurt some more.

She couldn't help but make the parallels between this and the night under the stars, but with reversed roles. It was she who couldn't hold back the tears, and James who was the one who comforted her in a similar position she was in now. Except, for her, she accidentally slipped back in time, and she had no desire to replay the events.

It made her wonder if James had similar thoughts and emotions that she did that time.

"Take as much time as you need," she said softly, giving his hand another gentle squeeze.

They were meant to be words of comfort, but she knew that they didn't have all the time in the world. They had to keep moving, keep pressing forward.

Although the roles seemed to be reversed, this hardened Evaline. Things were going to be different now.

James wasn't sure for how long he cried, but it felt like an eternity. When he finally felt the sobs subsiding, he was relieved, but exhausted. He slowly came to terms with the fact that Evaline was holding him, and petting his head, and his hand was interlocked with hers.

He had to consciously strain his fingers to let go, and he could feel his joints were stiff.

A wave of apologies rushed to the tip of his tongue, and he was ready to let them spill out at any second, but he kept hearing Evaline's voice in the head telling him he didn't have to apologize. He apologized too much. It would only make her frustrated, and he didn't think he could handle that at the moment. He felt fragile, and he hated it.

With a loud sniffle, he pulled his hand away from Evaline's and slowly lifted it to wipe his eye which he was sure were as red as they felt puffy.

The pain didn't go away, but he felt drained like he had no more tears to cry, and he could feel the emotions settling in his chest, like dust after a storm, back to the numbness that was there before.

He started to pull away from Evaline, but it was a weak-minded effort from a body that was still tense and weary from pain.

Evaline let James sob in her embrace for as long as he needed, feeling his cold tears soaking through her shirt. The whole time, she rubbed the back of his head and scanned their surroundings, thinking of the future. She didn't want to think of the future anymore, but they had to now. She had to.

The tears eventually subsided and James began pulling away, which Evaline took as a sign to pull away herself. She let go of his hand and head then leaned back, watching him to gauge his reaction.

"Do you need to rest some more?" she asked calmly, trying to meet his yes.

"No," James said. His voice was low and hoarse. "We need to get moving."

He'd wasted too much time already.

He looked up at Evaline, but the moment he met her eyes he looked away. He had no idea how he looked, but he was sure it was pitiful.

He leaned back on the rock and steeled his resolve to get to his feet. He tucked up his knees, planted his feet, and pushed off of the rock. Just like always, he would do his best to ignore the pain - but this time it was harder. Harder with someone else around to see. Harder when the wounds were fresh. But it didn't matter. They had to make do, and they had to keep going.

He felt haggard, but started walking towards Elliot.

"And we need to find food."

James didn't need to tell Evaline twice. She could tell that he was holding back pain, but he was right: they had to keep moving. A big part of her was relieved to hear him agree, especially since each passing minute he was in her arms, she felt the anxiety return. The Outlands was a dangerous place, and they were practically exposed out in the open.

She nodded and walked past him to untie Elliot. "Okay," she said as she bent down to undo the knot. "But let me know if you need to rest at all."

The rest of the day went by in almost complete silence. Evaline held on to Elliot's lead rope as they slowly walked along the river, and although she was sure James was trying his best as well, she took the liberty of looking around to make sure the area was safe. James was stubborn enough to insist that he didn't need any extra rest than normal, and she didn't think that was worth arguing over.

By the time it was evening, the two of them began to feel the effects of hunger. This was only just the beginning.

They did keep an eye out on any possible food they could forage, and they were lucky that there were a few nearby coconut and palm trees they could scavenge. Unfortunately, all food was plucked dry, except for one coconut. James split it with his sword and they took turns drinking the creamy liquid, and then dipping their fingers in for the white meat.

The sun was setting and they found a clearing a quick hike away from the river that they could rest at. Evaline insisted that she take care of everything, which admittedly wasn't much: just tying up Elliot and setting up the fire. At this time, James would normally get his pan or pot out and put a meal together, but even if they had food, they didn't have the supplies anymore.

The fire breathed to life and Evaline leaned back, watching as the flames licked its way up the wood.

She flicked her eyes over to James.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked, deciding to instigate small talk after the quiet day.

When they'd finally stopped, it took all of James's willpower to not collapse to the ground. Though Evaline took care of things, James couldn't help but feel useless when he plopped down by the fire. He sat while Evaline stoked it, but he finally gave in to his body's desires and laid down. Though everything still ached, he felt that his spine, at least, got to relax.

Despite being prone on the ground, James still occasionally scanned the area around him with a turn of his head. He had a limited range of sight, but it was better than nothing.

When Evaline spoke up over the crackling of the fire, he grunted. He didn't feel better.

"It's nice to lie down," he said, though it wasn't a real answer.

Evaline watched as James casually laid down, which was something he never did before sleeping. He was still in pain, but she already knew that.

It only confirmed her belief when she noticed that he avoided her question.

She gazed down at him and shifted her position so that her knees were bent on one side and she was leaning on one arm.

"How long do you think it will take to heal?" she asked, then grimaced at her question since it was vague.

"As in, heal just enough that it won't cause the pain you felt today," she clarified, but she didn't know if that was any better.

James sighed.

"It's going to hurt for a while," he said slowly. "But within a week, it should become more bearable."

A week.

Evaline let that thought sink in. They were traveling slower than usual today. Could they afford to go the same speed for the rest of the week? Was James even able to travel at today's speed for the rest of the week? Was this something she should worry about? Was Butch, Reed, or other bounty hunters tailing them?

She tried not to linger on each thought too long.

"Maybe we can find a safe clearing somewhere so you can rest for the day," she thought out loud. "Similar to the day when you got a full night's rest. Or maybe you can ride on Elliot while he walks?"