The Fateful Heart 2

James glared up at the sky. She had no right to talk about his father that way. Using his death as an insult? And for what? He knew what was behind her words, even if she said it with no emotion.

"Why is it that every time my father comes up, you're never satisfied with how I decided to move on? It has nothing to do with you, Evaline."

Evaline knew the reason, but she wasn't sure she should say it out loud. This wasn't worth fighting over.

"I don't know," she said with obvious irritation and sarcasm in her voice as she decided to lay down next to the fire. "But you're right, we've had a long day. I'm going to go to sleep."

James didn't know why he felt simultaneously relieved and disappointed. Evaline was always dancing around something. Something that she didn't want to say directly. She kept wanting him to fight, to be angry, and she would never tell him why. He was beginning to feel that it had nothing to do with him, and more to do with whatever was going on in her head.

He closed his eyes tightly as he let out a longsuffering sigh, and then he slowly started to sit up.

If he was going to be on watch he needed to have a better point of view. He couldn't be lying on the ground.

"Alright," he said. "Get some sleep."

Although the first night with little food was tense, it was the most relaxing day out of the next three days that followed. Physically, anyways.

Routine kicked in again, but it was without the trivialities. Evaline and James talked less and less. There were no early morning braids, no horse riding lessons, no fighting lessons. And most of all, there was no food. Or at least, very little food. They practically only scavenged scraps, and with all the hiking they did every day, it was almost nothing. It certainly wasn't enough to maintain their weight.

The day after their tense conversation, they wordlessly traveled by the river for hours and drank sip after sip of water, not necessarily to quench their thirst, but to subside their hunger. Around mid-afternoon, there was a patch of desert plants nearby, and they rested while Elliot ate.

Evaline stared as he munched away, and she noticed that James did too. She wondered if he was just as envious of Elliot as she was.

They hadn't found food yet, and it was likely looming in their mind.

"Should we go off the path to find something?" she asked, breaking their silence that had lasted for hours.

James hummed, and started to turn off the path. "Sure."

She looked at him and then at Elliot grazing. "Now?" she asked, not trying to sound like she was whining, but her efforts were not enough.

James paused in his steps, as if the thought hadn't even occurred to him.

"After Elliot finishes... grazing," he said.

"Yes," Evaline said plainly. "That."

She stared at Elliot, now thinking that with James's injury, she was the one who practically took care of him. She didn't sign up for this.

James stood still for a moment, and then very slowly and deliberately sat down by the edge of the river, facing her and Elliot.

Evaline watched him sit, but stayed by Elliot's side, and then turning his attention back to him grazing. The envy only grew stronger, especially when he finished eating and they went off to find food. They only found an agave plant, which was something, but it might as well been nothing.

Night came and went, and so did morning.

Talking became too much effort, and so did moving. James was still in obvious pain, and it showed when he was moving slower. He did ride Elliot from time-to-time so they gained speed, but he couldn't do it all day. Evaline was almost glad when he did walk, because the slower speed was a relief with the glaring sun and her body's cry for sustenance.

They maybe only said a few words that whole day before nighttime came and they sat around the fire without having eaten anything that day. Despite this, Evaline somehow mentally felt better today than she did yesterday. Maybe her body was getting used to the hunger.

Perhaps James was feeling that too since he decided to break the silence.

"As a vegetarian," James said out of the blue. "What plants are off the table?"

She looked up at him, wondering what prompted the question. Was he cooking imaginary things in his head now?

"None," she said blankly. "They're plants."

"So you could eat what Elliot eats, then," James concluded. It sounded like he was trying to make a joke but was too tired to translate it to his voice.

Evaline felt like she should have laughed, but just thinking of laughing was tiring. "Why don't you eat what Elliot eats?" she said instead.

"I've thought about it," he replied.

She paused and let out a small sigh. "Yeah. I'd be lying if I said I haven't."

"If I ate grass, it would probably give me indigestion," James said after a pause.

She mused this thought over. "How hungry are you?"

"You know... there's a saying that goes: 'I could eat a horse,' but with Elliot here, I think he'd get nervous."

Naturally, Evaline looked over at Elliot and imagined him as a meal. It was nearly impossible to picture.

"I want you to remember this the next time you ask why I'm a vegetarian," she said.

"I don't know why I'd ask again," he said simply.

Another thought crossed her mind. "Would you eat horse meat? Not Elliot, obviously."

There was an uncomfortably long pause.

"If it was that or dying from starvation, yeah," James finally answered.

She hummed this over. "Would you eat Elliot if it meant not dying from starvation?"

"If it came to that," he said. "I'd rather die."

Her mind flipped back and forth between the two statements. "So you'd save Elliot, but not other horses?"

"Humans are complex."

"I guess," she said with a sigh.

Silence returned, and eventually they took turns sleeping through the night.

The next morning came. It was their fourth day without real sustenance. Evaline could feel her body entering starvation mode, giving her less energy to move or think straight. She wondered if James was feeling it too, but she was too tired to ask.

That day, they walked slowly. Evaline normally maintained her pace with James or at least walked a little bit faster, but it seemed that they were both trying to match each other's speeds. And with James trying to pretend he didn't have an injury, the speed matched was painstakingly slow.

Yet, they didn't address this. They both didn't need to talk about it to know.

The hours melted by, and although they took breaks for Elliot, they hardly took breaks for themselves because, one, they couldn't afford to lose more ground than necessary, and two, if they took a break, they may want to rest for the night already. At least, that was the thought running through Evaline's head.

They unsuccessfully found food near the river, so by the evening, they go off the trail again to find something. It seemed hopeless since whatever they found was likely not going to be enough, and this thought was only reaffirmed whey they came across more prickly pear cactus fruits.

Evaline almost didn't even want to eat it. It seemed to reset her body's signals, which only made the hunger worse. She wondered if James was thinking the same thing, so she mustered up the energy to ask.

"Does it help with the pain?" she asked in between bites. "Eating scraps?"

James was chewing a bite of fruit weakly. "...I figure my body can't heal if it's starving," he said as a not-answer.

"But does it help?" she repeated again. "With the pain."

James was quiet for a moment, and he looked at the fruit with a sigh.

"Not really," he said. "But it's better than nothing."

Evaline took another bite of the small fruit, trying to savor it despite its bitterness. "I guess you're right," she said defeatedly. She wasn't going to argue against staying alive.

A week had passed since their food had been stolen, and they had been living off the land. Weariness clung to both of them like a heavy cloak, impossible to shake off, but becoming the new normal. James had become used to the pain, just like he always did. It fogged up his mind, and it slowed him down, but he was managing. He'd found a rhythm, and that rhythm was methodical and intentional. He only spoke when necessary, with as little energy as necessary. He considered the cost of each action and how it might aid or harm his healing process. Mounting into Elliot's saddle took effort. Swinging the sword to chop through a cactus strained him. Everything had its cost.

He could tell that the hunger was beginning to wear on Evaline. She was just as weary, and he knew she couldn't afford to lose a lot of weight any more than he could if this went on. They needed to find a reliable food source, and fast. If only the desert wasn't just that - a desert. Not entirely barren, but what it offered was insufficient.

Another sandstorm looked like it was stirring in the distance. The sky started to brown at about midday, and they began to seek shelter. They could see tall towering rocks in the distance, and they knew it would likely be the only thing available to them for miles. It did require straying from the river, just a little, but they made sure to fill up on water before they changed course, moving as quickly as their bodies would carry them.

But as the wind picked up, they realized at their current rate, they would never make it there before the storm, so both Evaline and James hopped on Elliot and started riding at a faster pace - but he wasn't riding Elliot hard. Not in this heat.

When the rocks drew nearer, their shadows fell over them, as a brief respite from the blaring sun, which was quickly getting blocked out by sand.

Though they hadn't been able to find anything edible in their travels that day, the rocks were kind to them. There was a pile of rocks that created a cave just big enough for Elliot to stand in, and for them to crawl into.

James didn't speak to Evaline as they hopped off, and he grabbed Elliot's lead, tying it down to a heavy rock in the cave.

Evaline traveled further inward, where the roof of the cave sloped downward, too short for Elliot to venture further in, but a more comfortable distance from the storm.

James paused and looked to Elliot. Sand would likely still make its way in near the entrance, so out of courtesy, he took out of one of his shirts and tied it over Elliot's eyes, so he wouldn't get sand in them. It seemed to help Elliot calm down. He'd been a little tense, flicking his tail and ears in annoyance on the way over.

James gave Elliot a quick kiss on the side of his face before crawling further into the cave, sitting down against the rock wall opposite Eve.

He let out a long sigh, and wiped his face, brushing away some grains of sand that had stuck to his skin.

If he had more clothes to spare, he would've used the shirt for his own face.

He looked up at the ceiling of the cave. Wait. Why didn't he do that before?

He really wasn't fully functioning, was he. James rolled his eyes with a flutter of his eyelids in response to his own thought.

Evaline seemed to pick up this thought and this idea since she was already wiping herself off with her extra shirt. "You can use one of mine," she said, gesturing to the saddle-bag. "Whatever you find first is fine."

James nodded. "Thank you," he said a little more gruff than he meant to. He got to his feet and pulled the first shirt he found out of the bag. He didn't bother walking back over, and instead just rubbed his face with it until he felt the thin layer of sand scrape off, and then he shook the shirt out in front of him.

He tossed it over Elliot's saddle to fold or shake out more later, and walked back to where he'd sat before, leaning back and sliding down the rock wall until he was back on his butt.

"How long do you think the sand storm will last?" Evaline asked, also tossing the shirt to a rock behind her. She sat down on the opposite side of him.

"I don't know," he answered. "Last one went all night. Could be a few hours."

A brief silence fell between the two of them.

"We're losing distance," Evaline commented.

"If the storm is slowing us down," he said. "It should be slowing them down too. Unless they're insane."

"I think you know the answer to that," she said blankly.

James was quiet for a moment. If he had the energy to, he would've groaned.

"He might as well be insane," James said, staring up at the rock ceiling.

A long silence passed. James tried not to think too hard about Butch or Reed's questionable sanity. Or his.

Evaline decided to break the silence. "Are you afraid it'll happen again?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I am."

"Do you think..." she started, but then trailed off, like she decided not to ask. She tried again. "Do you—"

"Think what?"

She sat up a little straighter. "I was saying, do you think you'll ever forget something like this?" She sighed. "I mean, I know you won't. But are you always just always going to..." She groaned. "Never mind."

James scoffed, and it hurt to.

"What, be traumatized? Hell if I know."

"Self-pity yourself," she finally finished.

James's eyes practically rolled back into his head as he closed them.

"Not you too," he muttered.

"Too?" she echoed.

"Sorry-" he said as a knee-jerk reaction, but before she could correct him, he corrected himself. "No. You know what? Not sorry. You don't want me to be sorry."

Evaline scowled and stared at James with, trying to study him.

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked indignantly.

"I don't know," he said, his voice weary. "Maybe I just want to be able to apologize when I want to. I don't see why it's such a big deal." He opened his eyes and looked at her, but his eyes were only half-open. The scoff took far more out of him than it should have.

"If I mean it, why is it wrong? I don't understand."

Of all the things he was upset about, Evaline didn't expect this.

"What I don't understand is why you're just now telling me all this," she said with irritation seeping into her voice. "If you're that upset about holding back an apology, why didn't you just say so? Why did you shrug and say okay?"

She was so frustrated about not finding food, about having to take care of herself and James this past week, about the hot sun, about worrying about absolutely everything again.

It felt cathartic to release it.

"Please, James, you said you could think for yourself," she said as she glared at him, not bothering to hide the annoyance anymore.

James narrowed his eyes at her.

"Well maybe I didn't think of it until just now," he said. "I didn't think it bothered me, but it does. Sorry it took so long for me to say."

"Well, I'm glad you're telling me," Evaline said loudly, mimicking his tone. "While we're at it, why not come clean with all the things you were too afraid to say to me until now?"

"Why don't you come clean? You never did answer why you get so upset over how I chose to grieve and come to terms with my father's death. But you always just turn it back on me, like I did something wrong, or you disapprove for some reason."

Evaline groaned and rolled her eyes. "Really, James?" she said, sounding disappointed. "This again? Just let it go. Why does it bother you so much?"

James looked up at the ceiling again, taking in a sharp breath as he straightened up against the rock wall. It was hurting his back.

"Maybe because it feels like half the time when you're asking me questions about me, you're really asking them about you."

Those words cut deeper than it should have.

But of course, Evaline didn't let it show.

Her throat was dry and her heart was empty, but the response prompted her to laugh through a small grin, and she had to take a few seconds to cool off.

When she finally stopped, she looked at James with a small smile and serious eyes.

"This makes sense now," she said cooly. "I'm glad you're not holding back or being patient with me anymore. I've always suspected it to be a façade, anyways. Please, be your true self around me, James."

James froze for a moment before he looked back at her, meeting her eyes with a furrowed brow, and no amusement in his eyes.

"True self?" James almost scoffed again, but he spared himself the pain of it. "Evaline, if you think I was faking before, I wasn't. If all it takes is one moment of me being upset for you to think everything else I've ever done was a lie, then what kind of person do you think I am?"