The Fateful Heart 2

James let out what sounded like a nervous-laugh-turned-hum, and the corners of his mouth pulled back.

"He was... sent to... take care of me," he said slowly, like each word was an effort to push out. He hope that she picked up on the nuance of his emphasis.

"Just before I ran."

Another pause.

"...Escaped," he corrected.

Evaline would've nodded to show that she understood what James was saying, but instead she stayed still, conserving the little energy she had to think of better questions. Something that'll be vague enough to not panic James, but still provide enough context to his story.

"Was he your friend?" she asked.

Something like a knot formed in his chest, and he took in a slow breath.

He stood at the line, looking down at it, but refused to cross over.

They had been friends, but James wasn't sure they ever were. Looking back, he couldn't tell anymore. And it hurt too much to think about it.

"Was," he said, emphasizing the past tense.

A betrayal.

A pang of empathy and sorrow ricocheted through Evaline. A past friend had changed the course of his life for the worse. A past friend had betrayed him and tried to end his life.

She could understand how that felt. She could understand how that would lead to lacking trust in others and why he'd be wary to make a new friend. Most of all, she could understand why it would be hard to talk about this

"I'm sorry," she softly said after a pause. She wasn't sure she wanted to ask more, at least right now.

Because the difference between him and her was that he still held hope, aspiration, and virtue. And Evaline was only seething with cynicism, doubt, and selfishness.

There was a reason she was like this. It made her wonder if James had a reason too.

"How are you so..." she began, wanting to know the answer. She swallowed.

"... Patient? And... nice?"

James almost wished this conversation was happeninning in a different context. One where he was healthy, alert, and without the fog of exhaustion and pain. One where they weren’t trapped in a cave with a raging sandstorm outside and empty stomachs. Maybe then, he question wouldn’t have made him question everything.

With everything he’d been through, he had no obligations to be kind, or helpful, or patient, or nice.

Did he even know why he was the way he was?

Only one answer came to mind.

“When my father died...” he said. “In my heart, I made a promise to myself that no matter what happened, I would try to...”

Not disappoint him.

But he’d already failed a thousand times over.

His dad. James's inspiration was his dad. He seemed to have great respect for him even when he passed away when he was so young, but now she could understand why he seemed to reminisce and romanticize that part of his life.

Evaline was too tired to think of what James meant when he failed to finish his answer.

"Be like him?" she guessed out loud, trying to finish his answer.

“Yes,” James said quietly, but he was unable to hide his shame, and the guilt that crept into his voice. He couldn’t think of what else to say.

Evaline still only knew a small part of James's life, but she knew that he was a kind, patient, selfless man. It was unlikely that he was like her, hiding a part of herself that wasn't anything like he'd known. It was unlikely that he was motivated with the same things that she was.

And for that, she had to assume the best of him—that James was truly trying to be the best person he could be, because he wanted to be like his father.

It wasn't like she knew every aspect of his life, but...

"I think your father would be proud," she said quietly, offering a bit of her thoughts in hopes that it would make him feel less shame.

She’d told thim that before, but he still didn’t believe it. He might’ve believed it, once, when he felt successful in school. When he’d made it so far in so little time. But it only took a few days for everything he’d worked for to crumble.

James turned his head so if faced the wall, looking away from Evaline.

“I don’t,” he said.

“I abandoned my family. That alone is something he never would’ve done.”

Evaline expected James to fight her with this.

"You can look at the past, or you can look to the future," she said, secretly loathing that she was repeating her mother's own advice to him.

"You could have turned out to be a broken, hateful, mean person based on your past."

She paused.

"But you didn't."

He kept his face turned away from her.

"Doesn't really matter if I'm a good person," he whispered. "If I'm just going to be alone again when you're gone."

Evaline turned away too, tilting her head up to look at the blank spot on the wall.

When she was gone, James said. Like it was inevitable.

"Maybe we shouldn't share everything," she thought out loud, remembering the note's demands. "So you won't be alone again."

"I would never ask you to do that," he said. "I would never want to keep you here just for me."

Evaline tried to scoff, but it came out more of an annoyed sigh.

"Bold of you to assume it's just for you," she said with a strained voice, letting the words escape her lips before she could think about it.

James turned his head back towards her.

"I didn't know - I wasn't sure that you wanted to stay."