The Fateful Heart

Evaline found herself temporarily discarding all the other thoughts she had while she had been trying to sleep to make room for new thoughts. They weren't really new, though; some of them had been living in her head for at least a week, and others, months. It had been a while since she extensively thought this through.

She didn't think this was where the conversation would go, but James's lack of response and surprising initiative in honesty pushed it out of her.

Even though James couldn't see her, she found herself turning away in shame.

"Sometimes I think I should run away too," she said quietly.

James turned towards her voice and pushed his own thoughts to the side.

"...From the rebellion?" he asked.

Evaline nodded, then remembered that she had to say it out.

"Yes," she said solemnly.

James looked into the darkness, and then up at the night sky, not sure if he should press for more. He knew she was wanted, and then she'd found others with a similar interest in changing the system and freeing people who were forced to use their powers to serve as soldiers or things they didn't want to. But he really didn't know much more than that.

Why would she want to leave the rebellion? He thought she'd said she'd made friends there, but maybe that wasn't entirely true. Maybe whatever dangers awaited her would still find her there. Even among allies.

"Why?" he asked quietly.

Evaline steadied her breaths to control her emotions, but James's question unlocked a gnawing fear in her that was hard to repress. She tried to throw away all the thoughts that led to this point, but it felt like she was at the point of no return.

She found herself shifting position again, putting one knee up to set her chin on it, but then feeling restless enough that she sat up straight and put both knees up, running her hands up and down her knees.

If she wasn't careful, she could slip back in time again. It was easier to control emotions when no one was watching, and James couldn't exactly see her very well.

Evaline tried to think of something to say, but nothing was coming up. She felt like if she said anything, it would just give away how afraid she was. And that was the reason. She was afraid.

Instead she set her hand on her face and closed her eyes, waiting to compose herself first before she could say anything.

James couldn't blame her for not responding. He didn't know what was going on in her head, but he knew well enough how difficult it was to talk about things like this.

He waited for her in silence this time. He wanted to give her space. Space to breathe. Space to think.

He waited for her in silence.

Evaline didn't know how much time had passed. One minute? Two?

She thought the silence would be suffocating, but it actually helped relax her. She personally hadn't really faced head-on the "why" to her longing to run away, and it was too complex to go through. It was too hard to answer.

She felt the fear slip back into the pit of her stomach, as if it were hibernating because it knew that she was in Nye where she wasn't facing the same threats.

The next words felt hollow now, devoid of any emotion.

"I'm terrified of what will happen," she finally said, breaking the silence.

James hummed softly.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he said slowly. Prefacing his next question with that, and a pause.

"What are you afraid will happen?"

A small part of her was screaming that she should keep her walls up and shut down, but she was too exhausted to listen. Between the darkness, the stress of a long day, the mutual understanding that they escaped a close call from Butch, and the unprompted honesty, Evaline felt like the words could easily slip out of her mouth.

She hesitated for a long time, but finally, she let out an airy mirthless laugh. Nothing was funny. The whole situation was just bizarre to her. Unreal, bizarre, and terrifying.

She paused again, finally feeling the words at the tip of her tongue.

"I think I'm going to die," she said blankly, letting the words hang in the air.

James bit back his words he was about to say. He didn't want to make it about him again.

"The people who are after you... are they close to finding you? Back home?" he asked.

Evaline was glad James was very patient. She kept hesitating between the questions, taking too long to answer. But he was patient.

This whole situation was uncomfortable, but she found herself pushing through, letting more air come out of her mouth like a hollow laugh. She even found herself smiling in the same way one would when in denial during an impossibly surreal situation.

"I don't know if I even have a few weeks left," she finally said in a low voice. "Maybe two months, at most."

James took a deep breath and tried to discern from her words and her tone what she was saying, since he couldn't see her at all.

It seemed pretty straightforward, but he had a feeling whoever or whatever was coming for her was not a subject she wanted to touch yet.

So he decided to ask something else.

"Why didn't you run away before?"

Evaline shook her head and closed her eyes, starting to feel herself detach again.

"It's not that easy," she said defensively. "It's not like I..."

She trailed off and almost interrupted this thought by harshly deflecting, but luckily her mind reached for the gentler option instead.

"That's like asking you why you don't just stop running away," she said softly.

"...Fair," James conceded quietly. "You don't have to explain."

And she didn't want to, either. Even if she did answer him, it would only result in him asking more questions about it. That was a whole other subject altogether.

Evaline hesitated again before deciding to switch the subject and talk about something else that initially she was nervous to bring up. It felt like a huge weight off her back to admit those thoughts out loud, and she felt numb to what was or what not an emotional statement to say.

"Back at the station," she began, voice cool, "the sheriff talked a lot about you. Tiberius Hemming."

She paused, probably for too long than what was necessary.

"The problem is, I don't know which things he said is true, and which are false."