Gypsie Eyes

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

The next day, near the end of their class with Jataal, the battle mage asked Tannar to say after.

‘say after’ = stay after

You also missed a few words, stay after what?

“Wizards, magicians, fordges, battle mages, and healers, who are also called menders.”

Is 'fordges' a made up word? I think you could have explained what this type of mage was.

Yes, you're now getting to bring out Tannar and the reader is able to understand who/what he is and why he is quite secretive about things. I still love the connection a Elemental has with a magician.

There wasn't much else I noticed to critique so well done!

-- Myth

Here's my crit for Chapter 2:

He stared around the courtyard in a "this is it?" kind of way

change "in a" to "with a"; change "kind of way" to "look on his face"

Just then a boy, indentical to...

just then, a boy, indentical to...

...as the twins came and clustered arounder her like kittens around a mother cat.

good simile

I think that there are to many doubled letters in the character's names. cut it down a little

Tannar seems much to old and reserved. Make him seem like he's 16.

I loved it. I will crit chapter three as soon as possible. Keep up the good work. ^_~

Thanks to everyone!!!
Myth, Pros, your catches shall be integrated forthwith. Um, Pros, the reason he's not acting like he's 16 is because he is, in fact, NOT 16...
Yeah.
Hey, want some fun? Go ask Sage about a new charactor named Osir. *evil laugh*

Gyrfalcon Keevin Stormsinger, don't make me come over there...*makes ineffectual threatening gestures*
And for anyone who cares, the name is pronounced Oh-SEER, and he's flipping flaming awesome. I must go and write him now.

Ooh, I'll have to read that... ^_^

I read the rest, too, Gyr and I really like it. Tannar's awesome, but he seems to be getting on Kareena's nerves, which is interesting to read.

Pros: have you died and gone to a heaven that doesn't allow you to play the RPG's character game?

*sighs* Ah, I love it when I finally integrate your guys' wonderful catches--everything looks so much better! Thanks to all you fantastic people who have read Gypsie Eyes!
The next chapter to follow soon!

>well, since no one seems intent on ripping chapter six to pieces, I'll see if the miracle continues with chapter seven....<

Chapter Seven

Spring melted into summer. The members of Unit Thirty-two learned both the arts of war and its history. In the classroom they were pumped full of propaganda about Dirantyr’s superiority, and on the training field they were bruised and battered until they could hardly walk. But they learned.

Within three months, both Laroo and Menee could hit the target seven times out of ten, though Karenna would always be the unit’s best archer. Tannar and Obern were, officially, tied for the honor of the greatest broadsword fighter, and while they had many, often unauthorized duels, the issue was never truly resolved. Shanna was the best fencer, though Karenna could generally hold her own with a rapier.

Those with some Possible Mage classification began the very basics of training; Shanna as a wizard, the twins as healers, and Phara, the slight, warlike girl, as a battle mage. With Tannar’s help, Karenna managed to study from her rival’s books when Shanna was otherwise occupied, and while she never tried any of the plethora of spells she found in them, she remembered. Tannar himself was able to instruct her a little, for as an Elementar he could perform almost any spell known to mortals; his trouble came in trying to teach her.

Tannar himself progressed in his private lessons with Jataal. He was never again as foolish as on the day of their first duel—always he kept up a pretense of purely human talent. But he advanced.

After a few weeks and much discussion, Laroo and Menee were introduced to Boom and loved him instantly. The boy-giant took it upon himself to rectify the faulty teaching they received at the Academe, and so the twins lost a little of their wide-eyed innocence through Boom’s descriptions of “the real world.”

No one save Karenna and Boom were ever told of what Tannar really was. It was a subject rarely spoken of and never mentioned except in the sunny clearing where Boom lived. The Gypsies didn’t seem to take an interest in that part of their territory. Karenna never saw one when she was there.

* * *

The last deluge of summer poured down, drenching the tall tree and its sole occupant. But Cerreno was all but oblivious to the wet; he looked out over the vast expanse of the Gypsies’ Forest like a father taking pride in his homestead. Below him, at the hidden mouth of a cave, his sister looked up at him. She was small, only about six feet tall, with long hair and large, soulful eyes. Her husband came up next to her and, putting an arm around her shoulders, looked upwards through the rain to where the dim figure of his brother-in-law was perched.

“Why not come inside, Mimoa?” he asked quietly. “He’ll be all right.”

Mimoa didn’t move. Her slender body was shaking slightly. “Water and wind,” she whispered.

Her husband tenderly steered her inside, walking slowly and rubbing her back. “Come on, sweet. He can take care of himself, as can the future.”

“The Windstorm is coming,” she murmured. “He’s going to come soon. Water and wind, the bane of Fire. He’ll be here soon.”

“Yes,” her husband said, “yes, I know.”

Cerreno watched them go. Then slowly, carefully, he made his way down from the tree and joined his family inside the cave.

* * *

A shrill, quavering sound jerked Karenna’s head up from the book she had been reading. She was perched on one of the low stone walls that circled the Academe’s courtyard, trying to study for a test tomorrow. Shanna came sauntering across, holding a carved flute to her lips and murdering the soul of music with every harsh note. Karenna rolled her eyes and tried to ignore her.

Shanna came and leaned against the wall next to Karenna, the tune—if it could be called that—growing obnoxiously louder until it ended, finally, mercifully, in a sharp crescendo. “What do you think?” asked Shanna through her stitched-on smile. “Daddy had it sent to me as a birthday present. A famous fordge made it; it’s supposed to calm the soul of the even the most savage animals.”

Karenna didn’t answer. She was careful to keep her eyes downcast; the last thing she needed was for Shanna to see them.

The aristocrat twisted her neck to see the title of the book Karenna was reading. “’Nemekar, Father of Modern Magic,’” she read aloud, then scoffed. “It’s pathetic that you’re still reading such basic history: Nemekar creates the first wand, the first Familiar, his son is the first magician and kills the first Elementar by accident. Big war, lots of Elementars killed, the end.”

Karenna had to call on all her practiced calmness to keep from tearing Shanna’s head off. Tannar had told her about that war when they began studying Nemekar; it was the first and only war between mortals and his people. He had even shown her parts of what his own ancestral memories had told him of it, the same way he had shown her his birth. She had been sick for days afterwards.

As if she had plucked the thoughts of the Elementar out of Karenna’s mind, Shanna said, oh-so-casually, “You know, the whole unit’s been buzzing with curiosity over where you and the twins go in your free time. And that dark-haired boy, too, what’s his name…”

“Tannar,” said Karenna automatically, still not looking up, still smothering her anger.

“Right,” said Shanna slowly, the disturbing false smile twitching. “You know, I told my daddy about him in a letter and he said he made some inquiries…” she left the word hanging in the air like the bait on the end of a hook. Karenna didn’t bite. Shanna continued. “Oddly enough, he couldn’t find anything about the boy, not a home or a family, he couldn’t even find a last name. The only reference to anyone named ‘Tannar’ was in one of the old prophesies Werenna made when Scharon planted fire in the hearts of humans.”

Karenna tensed. She knew the story, she had known it even before Tannar had told her—it was one of Avarn’s favorites. They had been afraid that someone might make the connection, but there was noting for it now.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the tale,” Shanna continued, almost wheedling. “Werenna created the Werebeasts, to whom she gave her name and the changing power; then the Gypsies, to whom she gave her beauty and most of her magic…”

Something wasn’t right here. Shanna was reciting the original mythology, not the cropped, human-centered, human-praising version that was taught nowadays.

“And then she created humans, who were to be her last creation. She gave them the wisdom and the strength to rule the other two races in peace, but Scharon, the Elemental of Fire, stole to where she had hidden their birthing flower and planted a spark of fire in their heart. So that they would always dominate by war and conquest, and would always thirst for blood. Firehearts.” Shanna said the last word as if speaking the name of a lover.

Karenna stared, unseeing at her book. Shanna’s voice was measured, almost hypnotic. The treacherous part of Karenna began to growl.

“Werenna wept, and the other Elementals made war on Scharon to avenge her, and they finally succeeded, imprisoning him at the heart of the earth. But Werenna would not be comforted. She made prophesies, quite a lot of them. Some of them everyone knows, such as the one where the Firehearts, where we would split and be separated by water, which has already happened. But some of them are…quite obscure.”

Karenna’s mind was fuzzy, her muscles seemed limp. Could you work a spell without saying the words in Elemental? Only with a wand, she knew, but… Moving entirely on instinct and what strength of will she had left, Karenna pounced and grabbed the flute from Shanna’s hands. The blonde’s lesson last week had been how to control with a wand and the soothing power of a voice. Being careful not to damage the instrument, Karenna twisted the end off and pulled something from the inside of the hollow flute. A wand. Her wand.

Rage, blinding, burning rage filled her like she had never before been filled. She wanted to hurt this girl, wanted so badly to see her pain, to see her burn. The wand grew warm in her hand and began to glow with a faint blue light. Shanna backed away from her, eyes wide and hands out. “Now Karenna,” she stammered, “I didn’t mean anything…just a bit of a joke…”

A hand landed on Karenna’s shoulder. She jerked her head around to see Tannar, his dark eyes solemn. He glanced at the cowering Shanna and then back to her. “What seems to be the problem?” he asked, his voice carefully blank.

Karenna’s fury ebbed away slowly. She looked from Shanna to the wand in her hand. No, she didn’t want to hurt this coward. The aristocrat, arrogant and superior, that was the person she wanted to hurt, but not this cowering wretch. “Nothing,” she said.

Tannar glanced around the abandoned courtyard; everyone else was having dinner. He took the flute from Karenna’s other hand, reassembled it, and blew a few pleasant notes. He grinned. “For me? Why thank you so much, I don’t know how you do it; it’s just what I wanted.”

“That’s—” Shanna was cut of with one look from Tannar.

“Now, you know it’s not good for you to miss a meal, highness,” he said, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. “Why don’t you just run along and eat with your equals, then. We’re poor, so we’re used to missing a meal or two, but we can’t have it said that the most noble Shanna Liam is skipping dinner just to spend time with a couple of commoners, can we?”

Shanna proved that not all members of the nobility were as stupid as normally assumed; she went. Karenna found that she was shivering, and not just from tension. The breeze had acquired an edge that knifed through her uniform and the cloak Tannar had given her.

He squeezed her shoulder. “Are you all right?”

She nodded. “I think Shanna suspects.”

“Really, what tipped you off?”

“She could make trouble.”

Tannar snorted. “I’m shaking.”

“Tannar, listen to me,” Karenna wrapped her arms around herself to help ward off the early chill. “You haven’t told me why Avarn waited to send you and I haven’t asked. In truth, I don’t want to know, not yet. But if she finds out what you are and who your master is, how long do you think it’ll be before they find him?”

“Karenna, trust me,” Tannar’s eyes were serious again. “With me and Boom here to protect you and Avarn tucked away in the mountains, nothing is going to happen that we can’t handle.”

“I want to talk to him,” she said, asking the thing she had not dared to ask in all these months. “I want to see Avarn; I know he and you are linked.”

Tannar shook his head. “Barely, it’s too far. And if I tried to strengthen the connection here, someone might sense it.” A flicker of pain flitted across his features and then was gone. “I’ve barely been able to talk with him for the whole time I’ve been here.”

Karenna took his hand and steered him towards their dormitories. “Come on,” she said. “It’s getting dark.”

* * *

Headmaster Tavrinal shuffled some papers before looking up at his visitor. “Ah, Miss Liam,” he said. “Please have a seat.”

Shanna sat, her shoulders visibly quaking. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Headmaster.”

As if I had a choice when your father donates fifty thousand marks to the school each year. Aloud, he said, “Certainly, Miss Liam. What is it you need?”

“Well sir,” she said, “it’s about two fellow students in my unit—Karenna Morn and that boy Tannar.”

“Yes.”

“She held a wand on me!” The statement came out shrilly, like a whistle. “Students at the Academe are not allowed to own wands, much less threaten other students with them!”

“I think I am aware of that rule, Miss Liam.”

“There’s more,” Shanna hissed. “She’s a Gypsie, I’m sure of it. Have you seen her eyes?”

Ashter let the silence ferment for a moment. “Miss Liam,” he said slowly, “you are aware that Gypsies cannot use wands?”

Shanna blinked. “They can’t?”

He passed his hand over his eyes and took a deep breath. “No, Miss Liam, they cannot. They don’t have wizards, Miss Liam, they have soothsayers, which are the Gypsie equivalent of wizards in all but the matter of wands. Sayers, you understand, they must speak their spells aloud. I’m surprised you haven’t learned this in your basic magic classes.”

Shanna sat there for a moment with her mouth open like a frozen fish. Ashter took a degree of pity on her. “You’re going to have to pick your charge, Miss Liam. Either you suspect she is a Gypsie spy or she held a live wand on you, which is it?”

She appeared to think for a moment. “Which will get her in the most trouble?”

“Thank you for coming to see me, Miss Liam. Do not let me detain you.”

“But—”

“Do not let me detain you, Miss Liam.”

Shanna stood in a huff. “Fine,” she snapped. “There are others who can do something about her.”

“Not on my campus there’s not.” Ashter’s tone was abruptly sharp. He did not take kindly to threats to his authority, few wizards did.

“Fine.” Shanna stormed out.

Ashter sat back and let his anger cool. The tingling sensation at the back of his neck told him that things were going to get quite a lot worse, and he had learned to trust that sensation.

* * *

Avarn’s fingers flew across the polished ivory keys, trying to fill the void within him with music. He had been connected to Tannar for six years, had had the other’s thoughts and emotions constantly in his head, had been able to see through his eyes. Now there was a great emptiness inside of him, a tearing loneliness that clawed at his soul. He had never had time to mourn the loss of his sight; Tannar had come along too quickly for that. And he had hardly ever wanted for company; the first two years in this sanity-forsaken castle had been full of new experiences and learning, and then there had been Tannar.

“Feeling lonely, little master?” said a deep, gravely voice behind him.

Avarn stiffened. He could feel the creature’s furnace breath on the back of his neck. “Not for missing you,” he managed.

Karoon laughed, a sound like the echo of thunder underground. He was an ancient Elementar of fire and air, a being of almost unrivaled maliciousness and power. It was he who had widowed Avarn’s mother and blinded Avarn himself. And now, theoretically, he served Vishna. He was huge, nearly seven feet tall and broader in the chest and shoulders than two mortal men. His skin was dark, stone-like gray, and he had huge leathery wings that spanned more than fifteen feet when unfurled. His perpetual stoop, vulture-like face, and slow, grinding approach made him seem to be more a gargoyle than anything. Avarn would never be able to forget what he looked like; his face was the last thing he had seen with his own eyes.

“Think you’re funny, little master?” Karoon took another step closer.

Avarn stood and backed away, hating the fear that rose within him. “Stay back,” he commanded, hoping his voice didn’t waver as much as he heard it do.

There was another grinding step. “Why should I?”

Avarn’s foot caught something and he fell hard on the marble floor. He heard Karoon chuckle and move forward again. “My mother is your master,” he said, knowing how feeble this threat was; Vishna could hardly give Karoon an itch, much less unleash the real Punishing Spells on him.

“You’ve fallen down, little master.” Avarn felt Karoon’s huge fist close around his arm and he screamed from the burning, searing touch of the Elementar.

* * *

The screams woke Karenna and she darted out of bed and into the boys’ room without stopping to think or throw on a robe over her nightdress. Tannar was screaming himself raw and writhing on his top bunk. She saw his outline waver and then he fell to the floor, still squirming. The others were awake now and someone had lit a lamp. Tannar’s human façade was beginning to melt; two large, shadowy wings flickered into and out of existence on his back. Karenna grabbed and lifted him without thinking. “I’m taking him to the Healer,” she lied, and rushed out of the dormitories.

* * *
Avarn’s breath came in quick, shallow gasps. His left arm dragged uselessly as he tried to scramble back from the Elementar. He couldn’t see and for the first time since that night six years ago his blindness terrified him. Karoon took another step. “What’s wrong, little master?” There was a leathery sound and a blast of desert wind as Karoon unfurled and beat his wings. “I thought you’d like a little company.”

“Back off, stonebeak,” came a voice from the doorway.

Tannar exhaled. It was Meensha, the second Elementar his mother had bound. She was younger than Karoon, but not by much. He had only ever seen her through Tannar’s eyes and he would have given nearly anything to see her now.

Karoon growled. “Stay out of this, Meensha.”

Avarn heard her stamp one of her heavy feet threateningly; her legs were stronger than most men’s entire bodies. “Now, I know I’m not as strong as you,” she said, “and I know the mistress can’t do much via the Punishing Spells. But I’m willing to bet that the two of us together might cause you some grief.”

There was a deep snort. Karoon’s grinding steps began to move away from him. “We’ll talk later, little master.” And then he was gone.

* * *

She took him to Boom. She didn’t know why—the giant was certainly no healer—but he was big and solid and undauntable and those were the qualities that she needed at this point. Tannar hadn’t screamed for long; now he lay limp and unconscious on the grass between them. Boom nudged him with a finger. “What happened?”

Karenna was hugging her knees to her chest, Tannar’s old cloak around her, glaring at the prone form as if the very force of her will could help him. “I think something must have happened to Avarn,” she said quietly. “The link between them is stretched as it is; any pain trying to cross it must have been made stronger by the mere shock of it.”

Boom nodded in that slow, deliberate way he used when he didn’t understand but wanted to be supportive.

Tannar groaned and shifted slightly. The shadow wings had vanished and his human form had solidified. He opened his eyes. “What happened?”

“You don’t know?”

The Elementar struggled upwards until he was almost sitting. “Avarn,” he said. “I think something happened to him.”

He winced and fingered his left arm gently. Then his face darkened. “Karoon.”

Wow! What a cliffhanger! And instead of critiquing this, I shall leave that to people better suited for the job and be your cheer team instead. Good chapter! If not a bit short. I think you could have expanded the scenes a bit, particularly the one with Shanna in the office with the Head Wizard. But that's merely my opinion.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

LUNA

Wow! That chapter was fabulous! I haven’t critiqued it as well as I usually do.

I can really feel the tension between Karenna and Shanna and the connection shared by Avarn and Tannar. I loved the description of what happened as Tannar felt Avarn’s pain and how his true form was almost coming through, that was brilliant. I’m sorry I couldn’t be much of a help for this part but keep writing!

-- Myth

um...wow. thank's so much, guys...wow.

>added later< doesn't any one esle have something to say!<

Hey Gyr! I'm so so so so sorry for being late in this critique. I will get to Chapter 7 asap. I have been very sick of late with the flu for the past two weeks and have had barely any time with trying to catch up in school and my other stuff. (I haven't had any time to really further develop the Veil yet, I will be getting to that this week ) Anyways here ya go!

Chapter 6 Critique

As you know...
Red=thoughts while reading
Blue Italics=comments on the quotes

Jataal tossed him the broadsword Tannar had used the other day; he caught it instinctively.

Read that first clause. You will notice that you say 'him' and 'Tannar' in the same clause. This adds to confusion as to whether 'him' is really Tannar or whether it is someone else entirely. Of course we know it is Tannar but it is just funky. I would change it (suggestion) to...Jataal tossed Tannar the broadsword he had the used the other day; he caught it instinctively...also, you may consider getting rid of the semi-colon and making it a completely new sentence. I think it would make a bigger impact, if that is what you were going for.

Tannar didn’t move, holding the sword down to one side.

This is just another suggestion (most will be), make the 'holding the sword down to one side,' to...holding the sword to his side. I think it adds more of a 'personal' feel if that makes sense. Using 'one side' makes it sound less human like for me. Of course, this is just nit-pickish and really just my weird ideas, haha.

“What do you want?” he repeated. He did not like where this was going.

Okay, there is nothing really wrong with this, but I just think it could be better. You say he did not like where this was going. But up till now, you haven't shown me any action or movement really that says that he doesn't like where it's going. Perhaps, cross out that and show it in some sort of action. Body language tells so much more than you telling me what he's feeling. Of course, there is the proper time to tell me. But, I think it would be better here if you showed the reader. So we could feel Tannar's apprehension (nervousness). Because, so far we have gotten the feeling that Tannar doesn't get nervous easily. You have to prove to me that he doesn't like where this is going.

“What business is it of yours?” Tannar demanded, annoyed now.

Again, you're telling me his emotion. Prove it to me. Perhaps, he is so annoyed he literally just walks away and then the teacher charges him bringing him back to the fight. You could make this scene so much better than it is! Right now, you're introducing me (the reader) to the new chapter and you really have the opportunity to make me want to keep reading. You're doing fine, mediokre, but you have much better stuff inside of you, that could make this superb.

“Won’t someone complain if you slice up the students?” Tannar said, beginning to enjoy himself

Again, you're telling me the emotion. Show it to me! Maybe have him grin, or chuckle or something. (sorry my creative juices are a bit downed from being sick). Anyways, like I said, there is the proper place for telling stuff and I don't think it is in the beginning here.

Again, the sword moved faster than Tannar had expected; again he was just barely able to block.

You repeat again twice to start both clauses, I don't like this at all. Figure out a better way of conveying it.

He smiled and, knowing it was stupid, abandoned the human-leveled pretense. If his opponent was going to fight on a higher level than most mortals, well then so was he.

I like this, reveals some stuff about Tannar. (That he is even better than he seems, which is really cool )

The next few moments were pure joy. Tannar had been born with the strength, speed, and instincts to defeat any Normal opponent, but he had never truly been trained, instead learning what he could from the books in the vast libraries that filled Avarn’s home. Jataal, for all his mortality, was better than he, and the thrill of a challenge overcame all concepts of common sense.

Okay, now I get to the point I was trying to give about showing rather than telling. You've been doing a lot of emotional telling up to this point and then you shove a narrative telling on us. It all works fine how it is right now, but if you did a lot of showing and then did this telling I think everything would roll even better.

Finally and suddenly, Jataal stopped and leaned against the wall, breathing hard and putting a hand up.

I don't like the flow of this sentence. Finally and suddenly? That sounds redundant to me. If it were me, mind you this is just a suggestion, I would reword it...possibly...Suddenly, Jataal leaned against the wall, breathing hard and put a hand up. (or something similar. You make your simplistic point much too complex.)

He straightened and looked Tannar in the eyes.

I would get rid of the 's' on eyes.

“Well then,” said Tannar, annoyed again. He should just leave, turn his back and walk away. “Pray tell what it is then.”

The bolded sentence sounds a bit weird. You're going from third person to omniscient pov. Well, at least, that is how it sounds to me. Sounds very awkward and left me puzzled for a second. I would recommend just getting rid of the bolded sentence.

Slowly, trying to crush the sudden eagerness that rose within him, Tannar revolved until he faced Jataal again. “How’s that?” he asked.

Okay, I really don't think you need to tell his emotion. I think we already have the 'feel' of the atmosphere. If you just said Tannar stopped suddenly or something, we would still get the picture. So far, you have a lot of emotional 'goo' it seems. The reader is not stupid Gyr you don't have to tell us every emotion. And we will appreciate it if you acknowledge that we're smart. haha

“If it’s complicated, then maybe it’s complicated,”

For some reason, either I'm stupid or this is written wrong, I don't understand this phrase. This phrase is too complicated for me, lol. I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't know. I would reword it. But then again, I'm really tired so pardon me if I missed the obvious meaning. I think what I don't like about it is the whole 'maybe' word and the fact that it seems like he's trying to answer a question. The before dialogue never says anything or implies it being complicated. To tell you the truth...I really don't like the whole paragraph that this phrase is in. I think the dialogue is worded badly, at least for me. I would rewrite it, personally.

For a moment, far too long of a moment, Tannar hesitated. And when he finally spoke it wasn’t “Forget it” or “I’ve had enough.” It was, “I’ll think about it.”

I'm wondering if the Forget it and the I've had enough should only have single quotation marks? 'Forget it', 'I've had enough'. Right now, it gets confused as dialogue?

Okay, I've read through the entire thing from here on and most of the stuff I would bring up would just be repetitive things that I've already mentioned. You do a lot of emotional 'goo' telling. You need to show us the emotions, don't tell us! The reader is not stupid and all of us can read simple body language. (Of course as long as the reader has had a social life ) Anyways, this is the major point I would like to make. I think I've given you plenty of examples from the first half to run off of. There are a lot of those fixes that need to be done in the rest, and I'm sure you can catch them now. Overall, the chapter has a good idea. But right now it is just not up to its full potential. You're an amazing writer and I think this chapter could be immensely better. Hopefully this helped! Good luck!

~Aero

Yay!!!! Thank you so much aero--your catches were fantastic, thanks so much! I have integrated them into the master copy, they shall soon be here for all to enjoy.
Oh, one thing: I went through and gave more physical descriptions of emotion in the Jataal/Tannar scene, but I had trouble finding spots like that in the other scenes, do you think you could give me a hand?

>haha, the catches have been integrated! <

Yeah, I will give it a thorough look through if you need me to. I probably won't be able to for a week though. I'm leaving on a week long snowboarding trip and I don't know if I'll have access to the internet. If I do, then it won't take that long.

~Aero

I printed off up to chapter six for critique a while ago, so if you've already worked out things I point out, I apologize. I just don't want to reprint and reread everything, as it's a fair amount of paper and ink. It just took me a while for me to find the time. Anyway, I'll do these chapters one at a time.

Prologue and Chapter 1

Well, looking at the prologue, there's nothing helpful that I can say. It sounds good to me. You have the personalities set, the story set up, and you do it concisely. Personally don't know how to improve it myself. It ain't perfect, but nothing is and I don't know how to make it better. Nice work.

The start of chapter 1 is a different story. Starting with Tanner isn't bad, but the way you introduce the two seems odd. It's like Karenna hadn't seen him until then. Then she just introduces herself to him after waking up. Wouldn't she have been a bit startled to find a stranger starring at her in her sleep? Just a thought. That, and there's the fact that we have no idea who, or what, Tannar is. But that does get your attention, especially his attitude. Just, their introduction to each other just seems a little too set up. If Kareena were to get up more startled or annoyed, I think it would sound more realistic.

Another note; make it clearer about how much time has passed. According to what you have later in the story, it's been at least six years, meaning she wasn't even a teenager in the prologue and she's pretty much a young woman in the main story. With that much time passing, I think you should make some reference to about how much time has passed.

Later on, though Tannar makes note of the price of compassion, he still can't seem to help himself. And since she doesn't really seem to take note of the ears, or that she doesn't seem to think anything of him until after the werewolf attack. So, what exactly is the point of showing her, except for showing the reader?

His eyes, as he played, were closed, but when he finished, they opened.

This sentance just seems awkward. How about something like "His eyes remained closed as he played, and slowly opened as the last note died away." Perhaps not as wordy, but you get the idea. I thought his introduction here works well for the story flow, and certainly puts a lot of questions in the readers mind, most noteably "Is he blind and why?" Nice.

Now, with Ravage, this is your fourth perspective, and he dies before too long. Yet, the way you move around kind of feels like a movie, the way I visualize it in my mind, while not making it sound omnipresent. I like the feel it gives. You actually have six different viepoints in the first chapter alone, and you only add more. But like I said, I like it, since it doesn't detract from any of the characters and helps the reader understand what's going on (at least, as much as you want them to understand). I haven't read many books that have viewpoint changes like your's and I'm interested to see how it continues to work out.

...when the cry rent the still night air.

I personally like this part. It's differesnt and really sets up the mood well.

The first part from Jalaar's POV says a lot and really sets up his character for the rest of the book. Plus, you say a lot in a little. The casual remark of it being wolves this time makes the implication that there are many other kinds of were-creatures without you having to say so. I really like it when authors can do that. However, you make mention of Jalaar using his blade "casually" twice in a very short time. Either find a different term, like "with ease", or don't bother describing it again.

With the wolf fight, you say that Keesha clawed Tannar. First, his clothes would be relatively tattered from that right? And had he been human he would have several bloody cuts. Wouldn't she have noticed that fact, or did she and I just missed it?

I love how you ended the first chapter, introducing Shanna and having Karenna and Tannar give little "knowing" comments to each other. Very nice.

Overall, I like how you started the whole thing. You take your time without being slow, much like the caravan, and make several important points and give important information and clues without being blatently obvious about it. Nice work.

Thanks very much, Shadow!
You bring up some really good points, it's always great to have another set of eyes look over my earlier parts. As to my viewpoint changes--frankly I've never read a book on them either, that's just naturally how I write. I'm copy/pasting your comments and shall probably apply them over Thanksgiving break, school right now is a pain!
Thanks again!