Gypsie Eyes

166 posts1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 12
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
Chapter 2

As Karenna got out of the wagon in the main Academe courtyard, she could not help but marvel at the institution’s size. The buildings looked like massive blocks of terra-cotta colored stone, and for the most part that’s what they were. The courtyard was bare of either grass or trees, but a squat, ungraceful fountain gurgled in the center. Through the main bulk of the buildings Karenna could see the dark, leafy green of the Gypsie’s Forest. She shivered. No one was certain why the rulers of Dirantyr had decided to build the Academe so close to Gypsie territory, but the woods looked harmless enough.

Tannar, clambering out of the wagon behind her, was not very impressed. He stared around the courtyard in a “this is it?” kind of way. There were students everywhere, and more streaming in through the big double doors into the open-aired courtyard all the time. Karenna did not like crowds. Pack too many people together and one of them was bound to notice your eyes. But these children represented nearly every sixteen-year old boy and girl in the kingdom of Dirantyr. There were farmers’ sons, whore’s daughters, the offspring of shopkeepers and nobles and merchants and bakers. And here they would be taught side by side, very nearly as equals.

Karenna sighed. Of course, the class distinctions would shine out, even through the uniforms they would be given. But as the enormous courtyard began to grow ever more crowded, she felt, just for a moment, the exhilarating sense of being a part of something larger than herself.

Someone tripped and fell on her. Karenna caught him, helped steady him. He looked at her with big, mournful gray eyes. “Tank ou,” he snuffled, and wiped his nose. Both it and the skin around his eyes were red and it was hard to tell if he had a cold or homesickness. “Sorry for fa-a-a,” and then he sneezed. He sniffed and wiped his nose again, then extended his clean hand towards her. “I’m Menee Vocilia,” he said, his diction slightly better. “Have you seen my brother?”

Just then a boy, identical to Menee, stumbled into the little group. “Oh, there you are,” he said breathlessly to Menee. “I thought I’d lost you.”

Karenna looked from one of them to the other. She had never seen twins before, and now realized that she had never quite believed they existed. Both the boys had long blonde hair and slightly sunburned faces. Both of them, while short, seemed to have extremely long legs that they were constantly tripping over. And both of them had those wide, unusual gray eyes.

“I’m Karenna Morn,” she said, deciding there was not much else to do. “And this,” she gestured at where Tannar stood, watching the scene with vague disgust, “is Tannar.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” said the second twin, pumping her hand vigorously. “I’m Laroo Vocilia, and you’ve already met Menee.”

A trumpet blast called all attention to the far end of the courtyard, where two trumpeters stood flanking a man in flowing black robes. “Headmaster Tavrinal will now address the students,” announced one of the trumpeters. The robed man stepped forward, gazing over the crowd. Karenna had heard of Ashter Tavrinal, but she had expected an older man with long gray hair and a waist-length beard. One always did when meeting a wizard. Tavrinal couldn’t be much older than thirty-five, and his dark, shoulder-length brown hair showed only a hint of gray.

“Welcome to the Dirantyr Training Academe,” he said. He did not shout. He did not need to. His piercing eyes seemed to find every single student, slipping past their defenses and finding all the dirty little things they had hidden away. Karenna could have sworn he held her gaze a heartbeat longer than any of the others.

* * *

Tannar watched Headmaster Tavrinal address the students, talking about patriotism, honor, and the unique opportunities these students would experience here. Coming from anyone else, it would have sounded like propaganda. Coming from him it sounded like truth. Of course, Tannar knew that the Academe was more than just a machine for finding soldiers or mages. Literally hundreds of craftsmen, merchants, and shop owners watched promising students and offered them positions after graduation. Expensive as it was, it could not be denied that the Academe gave its students more options in life than they would have found at home.

Tannar glanced over at Karenna, who caught his gaze and cocked an eyebrow. He shrugged. Tavrinal’s voice continued to wash over them, instilling a quiet stillness rarely seen in adolescents. The twins, Laroo and Menee, listened with rapt faces. They looked too young to be sixteen. Far too young.

Tannar leaned over and whispered to the nearest one, “So, what’s your story?”

The twin looked at him, horrified. “We can’t talk during the Speech.”

Tannar heard the capital letter. “How old are you, kid?”

“Sixteen.”

Liar. “How old are you?” he said again.

The twin caught his gaze. Tannar cheated—he focused his dark stare on the boy and let his eyes flash blue for an instant. Laroo lost all resolve. He swallowed. “I’m fourteen,” he whispered. “So’s Laroo.”

“Yeah, I figured that part. What are you doing here two years early?”

Menee glanced fearfully at the talking headmaster and then around at the crowd. No one was noticing them. “Have you ever heard the name Vocilia before?”

Tannar shook his head.

“Laroo and I are the youngest of five boys. All our brothers and our dad are famous battle mages.” He sniffled, then sneezed again. “Laroo and I are just Possible Healers Class 1!” He said the words like a curse. Students who had mage potential were classified as Class 1, 2, or 3, Class 3 having the greatest probability of becoming powerful in their field of magic.

Tannar regarded Menee. If he was a Possible Healer of any class, he wasn’t doing his powers much justice. Not with a cold.

“So, what, your father sent you here early?” he asked.

The twin nodded, the picture of dejection. “He thinks that getting a jump on the Academe might…well, help somehow. Menee and I aren’t sure why but we’re not going to argue, naturally.”

“Naturally.” Tannar glanced towards Tavrinal, who was still speaking with the even, unhurried calm of one who knew how to keep a courtyard full of nervous youths still for minutes on end. “What happens if you get caught?”

Laroo didn’t answer for several seconds, and it took Tannar a moment to realize he was waiting for a sneeze to finish. The achoo came as expected, and the twin wiped his nose before answering. “Most of our teachers already know, the Headmaster probably does, too. They just sort of pretend they don’t. Father pulled strings to get us in early, and he’s the sort of man with a lot of strings to pull.”

“Ah,” said Tannar.


* * *

As the speech wound down, Karenna could hear the spell of the headmaster’s voice loosing its power. The students began to talk quietly amongst themselves and shift uncomfortably in the crowded conditions. Karenna glanced back at the gate they had come through. It was closed; they were all here.

A small, balding man stepped forward and called over the heads of the crowd. “Attention, everyone, attention please!” Hardly anyone heeded him but he went on. “If you will all please listen to me a moment, I will be dividing you into your units now.” The students began to take an interest. He cleared his throat and began to read from a scroll. “If the following students would please step over here:” he rambled off a list of names and ten students gathered at one corner of the courtyard. Presently an older student, doubtless one of the second-years, came and led them away to the dormitories.

The process was repeated several times until the ranks in the courtyard began to thin. The balding man coughed and peered over the scroll at the diminishing crowd, a sign they had learned meant he was beginning a new unit. “Ahem, Karenna Morn.” Karenna stepped over to where he indicated, looking around nervously. “Shanna Liam.” She watched as the blonde-haired girl came up next to her. The smile was still fixed firmly in place, as if it had been sewn onto her lower face. Karenna returned it, showing perhaps more of her teeth than was really genuine. “Charn Kadaz. Larch Ferris. Seema Loan.” A fat, red-faced boy; a sly-looking boy; and a thin, nervous girl joined them. “Laroo and Menee Vocilia.” Karenna smiled rather more warmly as the twins came and clustered around her like kittens around a mother cat. “Phara Batte.” A young woman, almost as tall as Karenna, approached the group warily, looking at each of them as if they had value only as target practice. “Obern Nouth.” A well-built young man with a handsome face and broad shoulders approached them. He gave Karenna a dazzling smile and her heart thumped. She looked around at her unit. There were only nine. The man cleared his throat again, peered at the paper, and said, “Tannar.”

Karenna saw him swagger towards the groups, her emotions wavering between irritation and relief. Irritation won out. She glowered at him. He smiled. The older student, a young man with a hint of a beard, came and led them away from the uninviting stone courtyard.

* * *

Their dormitory consisted of the two rooms, one for the girls and one for the boys, each furnished with three sets of bunk-beds. These were joined to the other three dormitories in the building, and all four connected to a large communal privy. Surprisingly enough, it was not too foul-smelling.

The walls were stone, the floor was stone, even the ceiling was stone. Karenna had to fight back a mounting claustrophobia. It wasn’t right, being surrounded by all this heavy, oppressive stone; it wasn’t natural. Her breath came in short gasps and she felt as if her lungs were on fire from want of air. Shudders wracked her body as she tried to breath, she was trapped.

“Are you all right?” A gentle voice near her head broke her out of her terror. She looked at the handsome boy, Obern. His hand was resting gently on her arm, his face full of concern.

Instinctively, she lowered her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Karenna blushed crimson. “Yes, I’m all right.”

He released her. She looked self-consciously around her. They stood in the hallway just outside the girl's room; boys weren't allowed in. Shanna had already claimed the highest bunk of the one near the door. The two others, Seema and Phara, had taken bottom bunks, leaving one pair of bunk-beds, the one wedged in a corner, unoccupied. Tannar was standing in the doorway to the boys’ room, his arms crossed, glaring at Karenna and Obern.

“I’d better be going,” said Obern. “See you tomorrow, then?”

“Yes,” said Karenna vaguely, “tomorrow.” There were windows in the room, of a sort—only slits set high in the thick stone walls, no more than a couple inches wide and glass-less. The main light in the room came from the gas lamps that burned on each wall, and now the sun was setting and the room grew ever darker and gloomier. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her pointedly that she had not eaten since a breakfast of stale bread and cheese in the wagon that morning, after the nightmarish Werewolf attack. There was nothing she could do about it now, though, the kitchens wouldn’t be open until next morning.

Squashing another surge of claustrophobia, she slipped out of her worn cotton dress into the nightclothes laid out for her. Tomorrow she would put on one of the two dark green uniforms that, along with a pair of sturdy sandals for warm weather, boots for cold, and leather leggings, were provided to each student upon arrival. Even though the spring night was a mild one and the thick stone retained the heat of the sun, she wrapped herself in Tannar’s cloak and slipped onto the top bunk of the unused set, clutching her bag in both hands. She fell asleep with her head resting on the shape of the oblong box within.
Last edited by gyrfalcon on Fri Oct 27, 2006 6:01 am, edited 3 times in total.
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4428
Reviews 58
i have nothing to add. good job
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. - George Orwell, 1984

Where in the world is Enoch Root?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 504
I've got Chapters 1 and 2 printed out, so you'll be hearing from me at some point. ^_~




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 504
Ahem. :wink: To quote something a friend wrote to me once:

gryfalcon wrote:Darling, you're a genious. What the heck are you still doing on this website? Why aren't there books out there with your name and a Newbery Award medal printed on them? Why don't I have a signed copy of your first hardback? Darling, you're brilliant. I could never write that well in a million years, and I'm...well, let's just say I'm a fair sight older than you. You have an incredible natural talent, use it!
Anyway. I'm sorry I couldn't read the entirety of what was posted (I only got through the first three or so chapters) but it is sooooo late here. I do have a few crits, though, and because I didn't want to look like an idiot posting something from four pages ago on page five, I'll give them here. Hope you enjoy!


That. Was. Awesome. I love every second of it. and I couldn't stop reading! I printed it out and sat down, going "I'm just going to read the Prologue tonight, I'll look at the rest later" and the next thing I knew I was at the end and I wanted to read more. ^_~

Kudos on the dormitory scene(s). I've noticed that lately the dormitory/magic academy market has been cornered by J.K. Rowling. I mean, every time I read this kind of scene, little alarms start going off because everyone is so very familiar with the Harry Potter dormitories and the school that I think they often find it hard to write their own stories uniquely. Now I personally am more a fan of Chekhov and Dostoyevsky, but still, it was really refreshing to read a dormitory scene that could stand on its own. ^_^

I like your characters a LOT. Kudos [dahling], kudos. Lol.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 55
Hello, this is my first post. I have already read Gypsie Eyes, as you know, but I like how you've rewritten the parts I've read! Thanks for helping me sign up!
Got YWS?

Over 18? Join The Writers Society today!
http://www.thewriterssociety.com




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
Chapter 3

“Elementals are, as you know, the source and the beginning of magic in our world.” Karenna sat with her head in her hands, listening in bored dismay to lessons every student in the room had learned when they were four. She was sandwiched between the twins behind a large table made of—what else?—stone, and this did not help. With Tannar, at least she could have commiserated, albeit silently, about the tediousness, but the Vocilias listened with rapt faces and Menee was practically mouthing the words with the teacher.

Madame Lokskrip, a formidable woman with flaming red hair and rather too-large a nose, paced back and forth in front of her pupils, eyes flashing like those of a general addressing his troops. “There are, or were, as you know, five original Elementals: Lashloon, the spirit of water; Minevera, the spiritess of air; Allamani, the spiritess of earth; Sharon, the spirit of fire; and, of course Werenna, the one called the Garden Queen and mother of the three intelligent races of our world.”

Perhaps, Karenna reflected, it wouldn’t be so bad if Lokskrip didn’t keep saying “as you know,” driving home the knowledge that they did, in fact, know and did not need or want to hear all of it again. But that was the Academe for you.

For a moment, Karenna seemed to remember a different teacher, a boy about ten years old, telling this story as it should be told. How all the Elementals save Werenna bred and birthed as they wished, peopling the world with those now called Elementars and Elementaras. How the spiritess of the forest, Werenna, tired of her companions’ wild offspring, had formed the three flowers from which came, in order, Werebeasts—to whom she gave her name and the magic to change; Gypsies—to whom she gave her form, her love, and the magic to live in her forests; and then the Humans—

"Karenna Morn!" Karenna jolted out of memory as she heard the teacher snap her name. Lokskrip was frowning, a very large frown that was half-hidden by her downward-sloping nose.

“Yes, ma’am,” said Karenna, not meeting the woman’s eyes.

“Perhaps you can tell us what the name of our country, Dirantyr, means in the Elemental tongue? Since you seem to know enough of magical history already to feel confident daydreaming in my class!”

I could tell you the Elemental names for five different kinds of trees, three magical attacks, at least one kind of fire spark, levitation, and how to make a white dress red, green, or even purple, thought Karenna angrily. She could, too; it was amazing what one could hear in a weaver’s shop. And what one could find by sneaking into the restricted library sections. But it would be stupider to display such knowledge than to hold the eyes of the teacher too long. Still, she was not going to be shamed for letting her attention wander during a lesson that belonged in nurseries.

“Dirantyr translates, roughly, as ‘Ashland’ in the Elemental language. It was given to us by Werenna herself, because we had become Firehearts, and our ambition had turned, if not the actual forests into actual ash, than the Garden Queen’s hopes for us into no more than chaff in the wind.” She knew she had said too much and too daringly, but she had not slept well and was, momentarily, tired of hiding. Still, she immediately regretted the words, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Lokskrip’s face turned such a dark shade of red that Karenna thought she would choke. But before the teacher could unleash the full weight of her disapproval and wrath onto the girl, a shriek directed all attention to where Shanna was suddenly on her feet, dancing the dance of terror at small crawling things that all women, no matter how strong, experienced at one point or another. They could see the spider, no larger than a copper coin, swinging from her long blonde hair by a strand as Shanna screeched.

But none save Karenna noticed that the sunlight from the high, narrow windows flashed on the spider’s body, or that, when the offending pest was at last shaken off, Tannar caught it deftly in one hand. A moment later he opened his hand and a few drops of clear water dripped from his palm to the stone beneath it. The spider was gone.

* * *

Tannar hefted the gleaming broadsword easily, admiring the polished steel blade that shone like a mirror despite the many scratches and scrapes along its edge. The master of the melee weapons, a retired battle mage as scarred as the sword, smiled at him. “You hold the old girl well, but be careful; that blade and I go way back.” Tannar recognized him as the man who had defended the caravan during the Werewolf attack. He was not quite sure he liked how the old warrior smiled at him.

Around him the others in his unit browsed the large armory admiringly, though none dared, as Tannar dared, to touch any of the expensive weapons. There were no spears or bows here—those would be covered later—but Tannar did not mind their absence. He knew that his own weapon far exceeded these simple creations of metal and wood, but it gave him a kind of faint hope that perhaps humans in general were not so hopeless as they seemed.

The battle mage, a man named Jataal with a well-trimmed black beard shot through with white where his scars ran, gestured with one weathered hand around his little kingdom. “Don’t be afraid to touch; about half of you will be soldiers anyway, you need to get used to handling weapons.” Obern lifted a broadsword almost immediately when given permission, and didn’t seem to strain under the weapon’s weight.

Jataal smiled again. “I see we have two young men with some interest in the heavier weapons. Do you think you two could give the unit a little demonstration of some basic techniques; I’ll be here to instruct, correct, and protect if need be.”

Tannar let a wide, diabolic grin spread across his face, ignoring Jataal’s knowing glances towards him. He saw Karenna, standing near the rapiers, give him a sharp look but he ignored her as well. Obern seemed merely pleased to be of help to his teacher, and took up a basic defensive stance in the middle of some clear space. Tannar twirled the sword easily in one hand and brought it around to hover unmoving only a few feet away from Obern’s. “Just a friendly match, no advanced or fast moves, boys,” said Jataal, and Tannar knew he had seen the eagerness in his stance.

With almost mocking slowness, Tannar brought his weapon around in the first form of attack any broadsword fighter was taught. Obern blocked it with an equally elementary move. Jataal explained the exercise and bade them do it again. Tannar obliged, but moved just a little bit faster and placed his blade just a little bit closer to Obern’s heart than before. This time there was a faint ping when the blades met and the battle mage shot Tannar a look. He couldn’t tell if it was warning or approving. They advanced thus through the first exercises in broadsword combat, and Jataal wrapped up the lesson.

Before he dismissed his students to their next class, however, Tannar said, “What better way for them to understand the danger and difficulties of real combat than by giving them a sample of it?”

Jataal hesitated at this, but the unit latched onto the idea and clamored to see a real match. It was obvious that both boys knew their stuff, and anyway, Jataal’s magic laid half in protection from battle wounds, at least from life-threatening ones. To Tannar’s surprise, it was Obern who pointed this out. “I’m sure, master, that with your experience and abilities you will not let it get out of hand, even if either I or my classmate should wish to let it progress so.”

The teacher gave in a little faster than Tannar had anticipated, murmured a simple spell and touched each weapon in turn, guarding it and dulling its edge so it would do no more than bruise. Obern and Tannar faced each other across the now-widened circle of spectators, the unit hushed and waiting. He could see the twins wavering between disapproval and eagerness, and could just as clearly see that Karenna had landed on the former side. He winked at her and her frown deepened.

And then Obern came at him, faster than he had expected, and he blocked the sweep instinctively. Tannar fell into defensive posture almost without thinking about it, and realized as he did so that Obern had wanted this chance to show him up almost as much as Tannar had. Too bad for Obern, then.

Tannar didn’t want to make the win look too easy, especially not with a trained warrior watching, so he let the other boy nearly catch him on the shoulder once or twice, and faltered unnecessarily in his attacks. Obern was good, better than Tannar had given him credit for, and so he almost felt a little sorry when he finally slipped past his guard to rest the dulled tip of his weapon lightly against the other’s collar-bone. It would be, he knew, hard for Obern to understand where he had gone wrong in his almost-perfect form, so Tannar said, out of a burst of half-malicious pity, “Not bad, kid, but you move too slowly in the third defensive position.” It wasn’t true, but it made Tannar feel warm inside to know that Obern would practice hours to correct a mistake he hadn’t really made.

But for now, Obern only grinned his dazzling, toothy grin and shook his opponent by the hand. He then turned and winked at Karenna, still grinning, but left with the blonde wench Shanna on his arm instead. Tannar watched Karenna watch them go, and felt a small, a very small, stab of guilt that he might have ruined her chances with the handsome youth.

* * *

Late in the afternoon, Karenna and her unit stood outside in a line facing a row of round, straw-stuffed targets. Each student had a bow in their hands and a quiver full of arrows slung across their backs. Only Shanna, Tannar, and herself had professional bows—hers had been a going-away present from her adopted parents—the others were using the Academe’s worn equipment. The archery instructor, a pleasant old man called Olasso, walked up and down behind them, patting the odd shoulder with a leathery hand.

“Now, no worries, sallahs,” he said, his voice creaking like a familiar old door. Both his accent and his dark skin proclaimed his homeland to be Simaron, that half-island, half-desert kingdom of humans across the ocean. “We just want to know how well you can shoot already. No worries, sallahs, no worries; no one will be grading you on this.”

As Karenna drew her bowstring back, she decided that Olasso must have kept his job, not because he was particularly good at it, but because no one could muster the heart to let the sweet old man go. The bow felt good in her hands, solid and new if not of the same expensive stock that Shanna now drew. Karenna had always been good at archery, and her arrow hit near the center of the target.

Tannar and Shanna also shot well, and everyone but the twins managed to hit the misshapen lumps of cloth-covered hay. Laroo’s arrow stuck into a nearby tree trunk, but Menee’s shot off into the deep green shadows of the Gypsie’s Forest. The unit stared uneasily at where it had disappeared; none of them had been happy about the fact that the shooting range was so close to the menacing woods. After a moment they heard something, something big, shift in the depths.

“No worries, sallahs, no worries,” said Olasso, tottering up and down the line and constantly patting shoulders. “All sorts of strange noises come from the Forest, no worries.”

* * *

Inside the Gypsie’s Forest, Boom rolled over and felt something snap underneath him. He reached down and pulled a broken arrow from where he had rolled onto it. He examined it carefully, bringing it close to his huge, honest face.

Finally, he mumbled to himself, “Somebody has lost an arrow.”

Holding the two halves delicately in one massive fist, he stood. The sun was dipping low on the far horizon, and for a moment or two Boom just watched it happily, forgetting about the broken projectile in his hand. Then, moving with slow, ground-shaking steps, he walked towards the Academe.
Last edited by gyrfalcon on Fri Oct 20, 2006 3:42 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 85
Oooo you did an amazing job like usual Gyrfalcon! I really can't find something wrong with it. I read it over twice and it is just written perfectly for me. But I'm going to go over it more when I have more time. Keep up the great work!

~Aero
Last edited by aeroman on Sun Oct 15, 2006 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Why the rulers of Dirantyr had decided to build the Academe so close to Gypsie territory no one was certain,


Awkward sentence. Maybe: No one knew why the rulers of Dirantry had chosen to build the Academe (Academy?) so close to Gypsie territory...

“Have you seen by brother?”


my

you’ve already meet Menee.”


met

The twin caught his gaze and lost all resolve. He swallowed. “I’m fourteen,” he whispered. “So’s Laroo.”


Why? What was it about Tanne that suddenly made the boy confess? Being questioned? If that was the case they wouldn't have made it so far without being turned back. Describe what it was about Tanner's demeanor that made them confess. Further more explain why under age students are not allowed, and the punishment for lying. Is there an examination that tests age? Can anyone juts walk in and enrol, having claimed to be 16? None of this is even broached. Why was Tanner the only one to remark on their youthful appearance? How did they fool everyone else?

I dont like your explanation for their early appearance either; you mention that they come from a powerful family, but themselves are not powerfull or even inclined to their family's traditional branch of magic. So what? How does that explain their leaving? How does that explain their being accepted into the Academe? Did they run away, or did their father pull some strings to get them in.

Obviously you dont have to tell all this at once, but some indication, some explanation would be good.

The balding man coughed and peered over the scroll at the diminishing crowd, a sure sign he was beginning a new unit.


Why? And what is remarkable about that?

Trapped, she was confined, she was cramped, cornered, she was trapped.


Repition of 'trapped'. This sentence, I feel, should be redone.

You make mention of some things but as I pointed out above, there was not enough explanation of some things; however, I still enjoyed this very much.

CH 3.

stupider


dumber

dancing the feminine dance of terror


WTF is the feminine dance of terror? lol, funny but I think its a terribel description. Think about changing it.

The battle mage, a man Jataal


The battle mage, a man named Jataal

This was a very good chapter, I liked it very much. I don't know about the term spiritess, which I've never heard before, but I really enjoyed this chapter. BRAVO! Excellent writing, well done.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
Lol, thanks much Jiggity! I think the "feminine dance of terror" is something only girls might know/understand, so I shall change it. Good catch with Laroo giving up info too quickly, and the need for a bit more expo there. It's one of those things where I know, and I forget the reader doesn't, thank you! *gives cookie*
Aero, he beat you to finding mistakes!

added

I really appreciate all the comments I've gotten so far--but I'd like a few more before I post Chapter 4! Anyone? pretty please......
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 85
Hey Gyr!

Sorry that its taken me so long to do a real critique. I've been very busy with school and swim team, but now things are slowing down. So I've gotten the chance, yea!

Ready?

Okay, here we go! Italicized will be commenting on quotes, and the regular writing will just be my random thoughts as I'm going...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3

First of all as I begin, I really like your first two paragraphs. Lots of great imagery and really brings you into the chapter, good job :wink:

One thing I noticed though in the second pargraph was this...

eyes flashing like those of a general addressing his troops


I would change that his to her.

Okay now for the paragraph where you're explaining the spirits and spiritresses (kind of a cool word).

Werebeasts—to whom she gave her name and the magic to change; Gypsies—to whom she gave her form, her love, and the magic to live in her forests; and then the Humans.


Well here's my problem. You tell us what she gave the other two races, but what did she give the humans?

I could tell you the Elemental names for five different kinds of trees, three magical attacks, at least one kind of fire spark, levitation, and how to make a white dress red, green, or even purple, thought Karenna angrily.


I'm curious to know why she's so smart...is there a particular reason? Are you going to convey why she's so smart later on?

She knew she had said too much and too daringly, but she had not slept well and was, momentarily, tired of hiding.


Okay, I'm sort of confused here and I'll tell you why. In the end of the last paragraph you talked about how she thought it would be stupid to be shamed and how it would be stupider to display lots of knowledge more than locking eyes with the professor. So why did she say too much? Its kind of contradicting herself in my opinion, but maybe I'm not looking at it right.

Tannar recognized him as the man who had defended the caravan during the Werewolf attack.


Is there a reason werewolf is capitalized?

but it gave him a kind of faint hope that perhaps humans in general were not so hopeless as they seemed.


This is more of a preference, but I think it would sound better if you made it...that perhaps humans in general were not as hopeless as they seemed.

It wasn’t true, but it made Tannar feel warm inside to know that Obern would practice hours to correct a mistake he hadn’t really made.


I like this a lot haha! Show a lot about both of the characters personalities.

But for now, Obern only grinned his dazzling, toothy grin and shook his opponent by the hand.


This one is a preference as well...I don't like how you say grin twice so close together. I would change the second one to smile, but again its just a preference. Do whatever you feel you like.

As I was reading the last scene I was thinking that it might be a good idea to elaborate on why he called the kids Sallahs. I was curious if this was a tradition of his homeland or a weird quirk of his.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Character Development

So far, I'm really liking your characters. You have a keen sense of what each individual acts like for every situation. I am really getting a feel for all of their personalities and how unique each individual is. It is absolutely wonderful, not one complaint about your characters :)

Quality

Your writing is superb, very grammatically correct (unlike mine :wink: ) and it is not too descriptive, but yet descriptive enough. It makes me want to read more and leads me on by a thread!

Conflict

Your main conflict has yet to truly surface, but I can tell it is on the breaking point as we move along through the story. So its going really well, keeping me in suspense with all your tidbits of clues that I'm sure lead up to something big with Karenna, Tannar and Avarn.

Story as a Whole

Simply wonderful, can't wait to read more! I can definitely see this getting published.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, hopefully my comments will help you Gyr!

~Aero
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 820
Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Prologue

But all the kids, even those who had never seen, knew what the brown curtain hid.


I was a little confused here. What had the kids never seen? A mark of some sort?

There were gulls there, hundreds of gulls, calling and screaming and fighting over a scrap of fish or a half-rotten skeleton.


I’m not a fan of repetition. I think the second ‘gulls’ ought to be ‘them’ or ‘the birds’. That’s just a suggestion you might like to consider.

He looked skinny and harassed and when Avarn gave him a crust of bread from his pocket, the gull swallowed it hungrily.


Usually ‘skinny’ would be used to describe a being quite close to humans and for a bird it doesn’t really work. I can’t imagine a ‘skinny bird’, maybe ‘scrawny’ or something else?

He was quite bright, for a gull.


I like that, it had a touch of sarcasm in it so don’t edit it out.

Chapter One

Tannar watched the young woman as she slept, wondering idly how much damage a well-placed hailstone could do to that long, willowy body. He decided against it, not only because a solitary hailstone in the middle of spring would be suspicious, but because he had been given specific instructions as to her safety. As he continued to watch her, scratching instinctively at the bronze bands around his wrists, he decided he didn’t really want to hurt her. He just wanted her to never have been born.


Do you know what I love about this beginning? It kept me interested in reading it. I didn’t know who this Tannar was but immediately I know he may have kidnapped/captured someone and he possibly regrets it (I may be wrong here) so well done with that.

“I’m Karenna Morn,” she said, snapping him out of his study of her.


Hmm… Why does she introduce herself right away? I would have thought she would react to him being there, plus since she is introducing herself to him for the first time I’d have expected her not to say who she was. They’re strangers and it’s a little ‘unbelievable’ for now.

The handsome black coach that had joined them that morning sat a good distance away, its occupant not deigning to join his fellows.


‘that’ so close to each other. I would suggest a little alteration: The handsome black coach, the one that had joined them earlier in the morning, sat a good distance away, its occupant not deigning to join his fellows.

There were five other youths heading for the Dirantyr Training Academe, all of them sixteen and most of them, from the way they huddled together, had never been more than a few miles from home before. While the Dirantyri government made it mandatory that all of their citizens attend the Academe for two years, beginning at age sixteen, they did not provide transport for those who had to travel from the middle-lands or even the coast to where the Academe was situated on the westernmost boundary of the kingdom. So most students hitched rides on the supply wagons that streamed westward every spring, in caravans for safety.


Wow, how big is the Academe? It’s as if a one school is supporting an entire nation of kids and I can’t get my head around that.

But the five clustered around the bonfire didn’t look promising.


You’re adding the background to the mage school and such and then in the same paragraph you have the above line. I assume this is about the kids around the fire so it should start a new paragraph.

But he could not be seen acting like he didn’t need its warmth, especially as the night was a chill one for spring.


‘chill’ ought to be ‘chilly’.

Once people got the idea of you as human fixed in thier minds, it was hard for them to change it, no matter their panic.


‘their’ = their

Definitely silk


Isn’t that a thought? If so it should be in italics.

His pale, pale blue eyes gazed unfocused into the fireplace as the heartbeat lulled him into a dreamless sleep.


I don’t think repeating ‘pale, pale’ again was necessary.

He knew the stupid, human stories about Werewolves only being able to change on full-moon nights. They were always cause for a laugh among his pack. He grinned, showing long yellow canines, and howled.


Nice job at changing the old ‘werewolf’ story.

In and instant he was up and shaking Karenna vigorously.


‘and’ = an

“Wake up,” he hissed. She muttered something and rolled over. He looked around quickly to make sure no one was peeking through an open flap or rip, then doused her with a quick, controlled handful of ice water.


You’ll need to break this into paragraph when he speaks.

Coward, thought Keesha.


Remember italics.

He smiled his imperceptable smile again and moved on to check on the others.


imperceptible

“How nice for you,” said Tannar, as if she had told him her father was a common shopkeeper and not one of the most powerful men in Dirantyr.


Tannar said this to Karenna, why not go for something more original?

“Those were some interesting flashes of blue light back there.


You missed the end speech mark there.

I’ve only managed to get up to there. I don’t really like prologues much but you used yours to state the story behind Avarn and Karenna.

If I could pick a favourite character it would have to be Tannar (maybe you guessed that already), he’s the ‘tall, dark and handsome(?)’ one with a mystery behind him.

So far I’m keen to read more, you have a way of drawing the reader in and adding necessary explanations when it is needed.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
Myth and Areo, you guys are wonderful (in an annoying kind of way :D ). Great catches, both of you, and thanks muchmuch. *gives cake* The next couple of days are going to be crazy with working on a speech I have due Friday, but after that disagreeable task is out of the way, Gypsie Eyes and the editing thereof is priority 1! (behind, you know, eating, sleeping, ect.)

note: awww, Myth! You caught all the little things I wrote just on the edge, wondering if it was all right. blah. thanks for keeping me on the better side of the line!
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 820
I've been known to catch the little things. :D And cake? Chocolate is my favourite.

*

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

Chapter Two

The main light in the room came from the gas laps that burned on each wall, and now the sun was setting and the room grew ever darker and gloomier.


‘laps’ = lamps

Chapter Three

Why is it that only Tannar and Obern get to battle it out? Was it for conflict? As a lesson wouldn’t the other students at least attempt to try the weapons?

The headmaster reminds me of Mr Tull from OP, the way they influence their students/apprentices and capture their audience.

As you can see I didn’t really have much to critique because I thought it was great as it is. Now I’m wondering who this Boom is, a giant perhaps. And what the students’ reactions will be to a giant.

What a way to keep the reader in the dark about Tannar, he's not human so what is he?

Write more!

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
Hehehe.....Boom rocks. You'll love him, really. He's one of the few charecters that I ever had a dream about, and he's been in my head ever since. So, yeah, Boom is wonderful. Thanks again, so much for the crit!!! *gives the chocolate-ist chocolate cake possible*
The posting of Chapter 4 and the editing of Chapters 2 and 3 shall occur with all speed once the bloody speech is over!!!!!!!!!!!
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 820
Always a pleasure =) Keep me updated.
.: ₪ :.

'...'



Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered