Quiet Obsession

Quiet Obsession
Kyle Pate
For Lauren Mannis

The bridges we cross the roads we take.
The cliché names we give our fate.
Things I think about in the shower.

And when I see the dirt at last,
within the water as it flows past.
The sweet Revelation!
My quiet obsession,
Takes over again,
Takes over again.
In a new way.

The tears I could write in ink,
Soil the paper with what I think.
And with the strike of a pen,
Would only tear them again.

And leave me with nothing to say.

The beauty of my best friend,
my throne in heaven, my world’s end.
The sweet Revelation!
She’s my quiet obsession.
The things we have
And will never throw away.

It sounds very broken up right now. You have one rhythym going, but then you switch to another, and then switch back. There were some particular akward lines though:

"Takes over again,
Takes over again.
In a new way. "
Say "Takes over again" once and drop the rest.

"And leave me with nothing to say. "
Not sure how you can fix this. I would say drop it, but it then alters the meaning of the poem.

"The beauty of my best friend,
my throne in heaven, my world’s end. "
I'm not sure where this comes from. What is it referring to?

Avoid using words like "And" and "The" as the first word of a new line as it detracts from the content. Also avoid using ambigious words such as "it" and "Things."

i agree with nate--the end was kind of broken upbut i really,really, really liked the last stanza. the part about the shower kind of threw me off though. *shrugs*

"Things I think about in the shower. "

I really love this line, primarily because, as carsandguitars said, it does throw you off. I like the way it makes it seem kind of out of step, almost like an anti-climax or something...bathos, they used to call it in ancient Greece, I think. It leads nicely into the next stanza.

I love the third stanza, too;

"The tears I could write in ink,
Soil the paper with what I think.
And with the strike of a pen,
Would only tear them again. "

It seems to perfectly describe writing sometimes, LOL.

The last two lines are perfect too. I do think it sounds a little choppy occasionally - reading out loud might help smooth it over a bit. Otherwise, its great. Lots of feeling behind it. Kudos! ^_^

I usually don't like poetry but i feel that what you have wriiten is amazin..... its exactly how i feel sometimes so i can relkate to it well. But i don't understand what you mean by 'things i think about in the shower', i don't think that it detracts or anything but i just kinda wondered why u included it in the poem.

I really think the "Things I think about in the shower" could be taken out. When I see it, I was like "huh?What is that there for?" Then the "When I see the dirt at last,within the water as it flows past" just gets you attention off the point of the poem.Also, as Nate said, get rid of one of the "Takes Over Again's" and the very last two lines "The things we have, And will never throw away" could be gotten rid of too, as it also sounds odd, and detract from the meaning of the poem.

i disagree with dreami... i think that that last line is amazing and i feel it actually adds to the poem instead of detracts from it. I feel that it gives you an insight into what the poem is about and posibly what the poet is thinking too.

I agree with Dreami, it kind of takes away something from the poem. But overall I liked the rhyming and the whole poem flowed well and was thorough.

wait...wait...wait...its coming...wait a minute...
YOU'RE K K P from TYWC! HEY! this is Chevy Chevelle The Kid Writer.
*sighs*
what a small world.

I agree that you should only have one takes over again. it's sounds to repative. Other then that I thought it was realy discriptive and liked the shower part.

i like it it realy fits together but the first part kind of cuts off to suddenly

lequack / KKP-doppleganger -


This jumps from one idea to another without connective tendrils. In the first strophe and second strophe, the majority of the action seems to take place in your shower, with dirt "running [off you] at last"; however, the last three are purely abstractions that give no continuation to the concreteness you set us up with. This is a fatal flaw in your poem, in my eyes--not because you shifted gears, but you didn't make a clean break when you did so, there is still a metaphor left in there to unfurl in the remaining verse--and that, for me, makes this poem quite incomplete and insignificant.


Take care,
Brad