Neon Black And White

Might I dream of eternal darkness?
Or shall I speak of neon black?
The bother of nothing being seen,
Neon blinds: “I lost my track”

Might I picture wedding dresses?
All in one the neon white
Canescent, chalky, bleached;
Neon sets too much on sight

Figure the fracture
It’s black, it’s white
Look out for torture
Neon brings
"a deadly bite"

Cool poem. I love the title.

thnx

Wow, that was awesome. You have a great sense of rhythm and flow...

Or shall I speak of neon black?
That line just sticks out (In a good way)

Canescent

Whatever this was meant to be, it's spelled wrong.

I don't like the questions, and the word "neon" could be cut out once. Otherwise - nice rhythm, sharp ending. I like it.

Ahh... but I like all the neons!

Nice work! Especially for the title. It really jumps out at you, like a title should.

Is 'Canescent', meant to be 'Incandescent?

Yeah, great poem. The flow/rhythm is good, as said above. The rhyming...ah, I don't know. Some rhyming parts just seem awkward.

Chandni wrote:
Neon brings,
“A deadly bite”

Why is there a coma after 'brings'. That really utterly destroys the flow for me. The quotation marks also seem strange.

I agree, I'm not sure about the last few lines. They seemed a bit jerky, particularly the last two. But I did like the tone of the piece, and the neon. So keep the neon lol. Particularly love the last line of the second stanza: "Neon sets too much on sight." Awesome

I really like it, your use of neon, and contrasting it with eternal darkness is very provokative! i absolutely love the flow, but i must say i agree about the last two lines, it might sound better with the

Neon brings,
“A deadly bite”

as

Neon brings a deadly bite.

i still really enjoyed it!

Thank you great people of YWS for the lovely comments and for all of you who had some confusion with the word "canescent"

Definitions of canescent:


adjective: covered with fine whitish hairs or down
adjective: grayish white
Example: "The canescent moon"

Voila mon amis lol

Oh wow! That was awesome! You should definatley write more poems. I would love to read more of your work.
Dani

Loved it
That is all i can say
I havn't a clue what you were talking about but nethertheless
I loved it!

Charlotte

Chandni,


Some images here worth keeping, a line there worth saving, but overall, this has no impact on me.

I would prescribe a metaphorical laminectomy and a new structure of the skeletal system before any more serious progress can be made.


Best,
Brad

it is very good.

i like it, it's very different--it has a different flow & subject it seems then most other poems posted do.