tronks

You've got all the character traits set up, but the story telling itself is a bit rough. You're using a lot of telling, and this increases the pacing. The pacing ...

Everything's reading smoothly until-- Her dark brown hair fell in front of her broad shoulders. She didn’t bother. (She didn't bother what? The sentence seems incomplete.) She looked back at ...

I started to run towards the source of sound, blinded by the heat, the smells and acted on instinct. This reads pretty shaky. Try this: I started to run towards ...

So much destruction had been caused by her father. (simple typo) I think you do a bit too much telling, like: Tina could detect that Saroo was struggling with her ...

We must have been too late to save Veronica. (I changed this) He ran towards Veronica when a hole opened up, causing floorboards to fall. (I see what you're saying ...

Craig can do nothing but wait for her endless survey to finish. (this might make the sentence sound smoother) ...her gaze edges around at a snail’s pace like a clock ...

Four years ago all my emotions died along with my parents'. (You made these possessive when they weren't) The day my parents passed I was put in an orphanage because ...

I love stories with villains as characters, but usually the villain thinks he's doing good. He doesn't see himself as evil at all you know? This story has a lot ...

I haven't read your previous chapters, but I just saw this needed to be read so I picked it out. For this paragraph, I'd separate it as: "Hello!" says the ...

"Are you sure? You've said that about three others" just missing the end mark Ucanlas Cemetery. One entrance. One exit. Never visited, it was the home of the forgotten. If ...

I just threw myself into this, without reading the other chapters. From the beginning, it's written very well. You describe everything in action just as it should be. Although I ...

I haven't read the first chapter, so this is just based on ch 2. I love the narration. I can really feel for the main character with internal dialogue like ...

I love this short story and the way it opens up to someone who's a cheater. It's interesting to see a character with this trait! Your story also flowed well. ...

The Bank Of America San Francisco, where I;m supposed to walk in (semicolon misplacement) " Oh, sorry I will back off." (might read better as I'll back off) The only ...

The beginning doesn't quite lure the reader in because it's telling instead of showing. You need to SHOW us who Alejandra is, and show us her age (like, in her ...