New Found Freedom!

I had started cheating when I was in class 8th. I had been a bright student from the beginning. But while writing this test in 8th standard, I couldn't get an answer. I had frozen on seeing the question. It was the hurdle between my goal - 20/20. I wanted full marks. Not getting that question meant losing one mark and standing probably second in class. The thought made me want to cry. I had sat there trying to remember the answer. But I just couldn't get it. I didn't know the question. So the answer too, was a mystery. Then the thought had hit me. What if I copy from the paper beside mine? Maybe the person knew the answer? My head turned slightly towards the paper beside mine. I wanted to stop it. But my lust for those twenty marks turned my head further. Now her paper was clearly in view. I saw answer for the fourth question scrawled on it. I needed the fifth answer. She was going to write it. It was a just a one word answer. As her previous answer ended I kept looking. My hands were concealing my expressions. Then she turned back to her question paper. I saw her expressions as she read the fifth question. I expected surprise, shock, despair of not getting the answer. I waited. But I couldn't read her expression. Was she trying to hide her despair? Then I saw her turning to her answer paper. She wrote the number five on the left of the margin. It felt like ages had passed when she finally wrote the answer. It was one word only. I read the word. Did it make any sense? Well, it did to some extent. I sat there. The space after number five in my answer sheet was still blank. I was thinking whether I should write it or not. Then the bell rang. Time was up. I quickly scrawled the word I had seen on my partner's paper on my paper and gave it to the teacher.

We got the results after two days. I stood first. I had got 20/20. But surprisingly I was not happy. I forced myself to be happy but I just couldn't be. I realized that day that copying was so easy. It just required some wits. That was the day I started copying. I used to cheat in every exam. It had become sort of a habit. For some exams I didn't use to study at all and by cheating I could mostly score above eighty percentage. I had become what you call an 'expert cheater' and no one could catch me. No one could understand when I looked into their paper and stole an answer. I enjoyed cheating but didn't really enjoy or look forward to the day of the result. It's like I was trapped in this vicious circle. I couldn't help it. Cheating was a compulsion.

All this changed around three weeks back. Fours years had gone by and now I was in 12th standard. I still used to copy. There was a small fifty marks test that day for which I had prepared well. But I knew I would cheat, or at least look into my partner's paper for second opinion. As I sat in my seat, smiling at my partner and getting ready with my stuff; a teacher came into our class. I had seen him before. He was very strict looking. He came and said,

"Please keep your bags in the front and clear your desks, now."

I did as told. I gulped a bit as such a thing had never happened before. I did it anyway knowing that I had my partner.

Then another shock hit me. Our invigilator called my name.

"Yes ma'am?" I asked trying to be as normal as possible.

"Go to the last bench; the one where no one is sitting."

I gulped hard this time. No one is sitting there? Oh shit!

But I was helpless. I did what was told. I felt sick. After changing places of several other students she signaled us to start the exam.

As I sat there feeling solitary and banished, I looked at my question paper. I decided not to waste any time and do what I could. I quickly attempted all the questions I knew. Around thirty percentage of the paper was left. These questions needed a bit of thinking. I glanced beside me. No paper. No partner. I tried looking at the paper of people sitting ahead of me but no luck. They had well-hidden papers. I sat there feeling sick and bad when suddenly a thought came to me.

You CAN do these questions; just that you don't want to work hard. You are scared of working hard, not getting less marks.

I knew these questions. Just that I was so use to cheating that I was not able to do them on my own. I can do them. Without cheating. I challenged myself and tried doing them. I got some. I couldn't others. But first time in my life I was feeling independent. I felt I had the control over myself. I felt really happy.

I was completely absorbed doing the paper when the bell rang. I still had three questions left to try. But the invigilator took the paper.

The results were out the same day. I had stood seventh in a class of twenty students. The partner with whom I was supposed to sit that day had stood first. I realized if I would have been sitting with her maybe I would have come second or even first. But that was nothing compared to the freedom and happiness I felt at that time and during the exam.

That was the last day that I had cheated!