Hi there!
So, first thing I noticed when I first saw this was that the paragraphs are long. There are only three paragraphs in this entire chapter. Even shorter chapters have many more paragraphs then that. This has to do with your formatting rather than your content of course. One thing to keep in mind: long paragraphs are discouraging. To be honest, I had trouble keeping my focus while reading some of this because of all the words. My eyes kept darting from place to place and I had to really concentrate to figure out where I was. Readers are lazy We want to see shorter paragraphs so we'll be able to follow easily.
Here are two times when you should start a new paragraph:
1) When someone new speaks. Dialogue can sometimes get confusing if you don't separate it right. Dialogue tags are always great, and you have them here. So at least I was able to understand who was talking when. But once you get farther along, the reader starts to forget who's talking next and who spoke last. If you create a new paragraph each time, it makes sense to the reader visually. It's like, "Oh, that can't be him speaking, it's not connected to the other thing he said".
2) A change of subject. Now, this, I think, is the trickiest part about starting a new paragraph. Say there's an action scene and the character is fighting. All of the sudden, he gets stabbed. Boom, new paragraph. This paragraph will be all about how much pain he's in. Boom, new paragraph. This new paragraph will be all about his fight to remain conscious and alive. Do you see what I'm getting at here? Breaking paragraphs like this helps the readers find where something new and/or different is happening.
the soles of his shoes scuffing every few steps, as he handed the conversation back to his friend with an occasional "yeah" or "cool".
This is a point when you want to be really specific. Who exactly is this friend? I was under the impression that Spencer was walking to the court by himself. But then you mention this friend and I'm immediately curious. You need something for us to identify this character with. Even a name would be sufficient. You don't have to go into all the intense descriptions; not yet at least.
Spencer felt like kicking himself, he wanted to go over and talk to her but their was a shrill whistle and all the kids sorted themselves into teams.
Here's another place where you have to be specific. Again, I thought it was just Spencer, his friend, and that girl at the courts. These kids seem to appear out of nowhere. I suggest mentioning earlier on something about Spencer preparing for the game or something. Maybe mention the courts are almost all full of kids ready to play ball. Just something to indicate the amount of kids on the court.
"Of course the girl is on the other team" Spencer thought.
You know, I used to do this all the time, put thoughts into quotation marks. And it actually took a while for someone to correct me on it. Thoughts should be in italics instead. Now, as with most writing rules, this isn't a must do sort of thing. But, it is what the majority of writers do. The writers that don't usually have a specific reason for not using italics. I can see from your story so far, however, that you will really benefit with using italics. You still want to keep the dialogue tag though. "Spencer thought" is just as important as putting his thoughts in italics.
D'aw, young teenage love. It's so cute! ^_^
Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this. Even though I'm not a romancey kind of girl, I'm wrapped into this story. I want to know more about this girl and who she is. I'm a total sports junkie so the fact that they met at a basketball court is a plus.
Despite this being the first chapter, I feel like I know your characters. It's a bit hard to explain, but I can completely see your characters in my mind and I feel like I know exactly what kind of people they are. You made sure that you described them well in the beginning. As I'm sure you know, it's important to describe your characters. Otherwise, the reader will just end up having a blank image in their mind of the character. And that's no fun, now is it?
I think if you break up the paragraphs and just be a bit more specific in your writing, this'll be great. Spencer and Gianna are important to the story, yes, but so is all the other stuff. It's important that they met in a huge crowd instead of when it was just the two of them on the court. It's important that Spencer has a friend with him. It's important to know what kind of car Spencer drives and if he just got his licence or if he's been driving for years. Those little details matter. That's what pieces together the entire story.
Keep up the good job with your characters. If this is how I feel about them after the first chapter, I can only imagine how much more we'll learn in later chapters. I'm looking forward to it.
Let me know when the next chapter is out! I'll be happy to review it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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