z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Goals of two types: Spencers Adventures Intro.

by Zachary


Spencer had always modeled his hobbies after other inspiring characters he met. But this one seemed special. His love for sports had only expanded since meeting Gianna, a smart and pretty star of her soccer and basketball team. Spencer walked through the gate leading to the basketball court, the soles of his shoes scuffing every few steps, as he handed the conversation back to his friend with an occasional "yeah" or "cool". Spencer sucked in a breath as he put his hands on the ground, springing into a handstand; handstands had always intrigued him and supplied a few moments of peace from the outside commotion. He picked up a faint voice on the far side of the court, "Do it again!" Spencer, now upright, drifting his eyes up to see a dark haired brown-skinned girl with a big smile on her face. "Oh, I'm not that good" Spencer replied with a nervous chuckle as he suddenly lengthened his previous conversation attempts with his friend. He thought he heard something of a "Please!" but he picked up a basketball and took a shot, pretending not to hear. There was no lying, the girl was cute. Spencer felt like kicking himself, he wanted to go over and talk to her but their was a shrill whistle and all the kids sorted themselves into teams.

"Of course the girl is on the other team" Spencer thought. The game did not go his way at all, losing by almost 30 points. Spencer searched for the red shirt that the girl was wearing but she was nowhere to be found. As he headed back to his waiting car, he heard a conversation and instantly recognized the voice although he had only heard it once. He lifted his feet up and trotted over to the girl with a new nervous energy.

"Hey! I can do a handstand for you if you'd like!" He said smiling

. "Sure, awesome!" the girl said. 

"So whats your name?" said Spencer, with about ten songs about 'love at first sight' rushing through his head. 

"Gianna, so lets see your handstand umm". 

 "Spencer, well you can call me Spence if you like" he said springing into another handstand.

"Oh my gosh that is so cool! I wish I could do that!" 

 "Oh well its not too hard haha" Spencer said chuckling nervously for the second time that day; adding "I have to go now but I'll see you tomorrow?".

"Of course!" Gianna said with a smile that made Spencer pause momentarily before tripping of to his car, red with embarrassment. 

When Spencer got home he finally heard his mom after a third progressivly louder "SPENCERR!!". 

"Yes mom!!" he answered. 

"I need you to take out the trash and don't ignore you when I call you!!" his mom shouted up the stairs in a slightly menacing voice. 

He quickly made his way out the door and off to the dumpster. But he wasnt thinking about the trash, making his mom mad, or even losing at basketball which was something he particularly hated. All he could think about was Gianna, he had never felt this way before about someone. He put the trash in the dumpster and turned back for home, a slight grin lighting up his face.


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Mon Aug 04, 2014 10:16 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

So, first thing I noticed when I first saw this was that the paragraphs are long. There are only three paragraphs in this entire chapter. Even shorter chapters have many more paragraphs then that. This has to do with your formatting rather than your content of course. One thing to keep in mind: long paragraphs are discouraging. To be honest, I had trouble keeping my focus while reading some of this because of all the words. My eyes kept darting from place to place and I had to really concentrate to figure out where I was. Readers are lazy ;) We want to see shorter paragraphs so we'll be able to follow easily.

Here are two times when you should start a new paragraph:
1) When someone new speaks. Dialogue can sometimes get confusing if you don't separate it right. Dialogue tags are always great, and you have them here. So at least I was able to understand who was talking when. But once you get farther along, the reader starts to forget who's talking next and who spoke last. If you create a new paragraph each time, it makes sense to the reader visually. It's like, "Oh, that can't be him speaking, it's not connected to the other thing he said".

2) A change of subject. Now, this, I think, is the trickiest part about starting a new paragraph. Say there's an action scene and the character is fighting. All of the sudden, he gets stabbed. Boom, new paragraph. This paragraph will be all about how much pain he's in. Boom, new paragraph. This new paragraph will be all about his fight to remain conscious and alive. Do you see what I'm getting at here? Breaking paragraphs like this helps the readers find where something new and/or different is happening.

the soles of his shoes scuffing every few steps, as he handed the conversation back to his friend with an occasional "yeah" or "cool".

This is a point when you want to be really specific. Who exactly is this friend? I was under the impression that Spencer was walking to the court by himself. But then you mention this friend and I'm immediately curious. You need something for us to identify this character with. Even a name would be sufficient. You don't have to go into all the intense descriptions; not yet at least.

Spencer felt like kicking himself, he wanted to go over and talk to her but their was a shrill whistle and all the kids sorted themselves into teams.

Here's another place where you have to be specific. Again, I thought it was just Spencer, his friend, and that girl at the courts. These kids seem to appear out of nowhere. I suggest mentioning earlier on something about Spencer preparing for the game or something. Maybe mention the courts are almost all full of kids ready to play ball. Just something to indicate the amount of kids on the court.

"Of course the girl is on the other team" Spencer thought.

You know, I used to do this all the time, put thoughts into quotation marks. And it actually took a while for someone to correct me on it. Thoughts should be in italics instead. Now, as with most writing rules, this isn't a must do sort of thing. But, it is what the majority of writers do. The writers that don't usually have a specific reason for not using italics. I can see from your story so far, however, that you will really benefit with using italics. You still want to keep the dialogue tag though. "Spencer thought" is just as important as putting his thoughts in italics.

D'aw, young teenage love. It's so cute! ^_^

Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this. Even though I'm not a romancey kind of girl, I'm wrapped into this story. I want to know more about this girl and who she is. I'm a total sports junkie so the fact that they met at a basketball court is a plus.

Despite this being the first chapter, I feel like I know your characters. It's a bit hard to explain, but I can completely see your characters in my mind and I feel like I know exactly what kind of people they are. You made sure that you described them well in the beginning. As I'm sure you know, it's important to describe your characters. Otherwise, the reader will just end up having a blank image in their mind of the character. And that's no fun, now is it? ;)

I think if you break up the paragraphs and just be a bit more specific in your writing, this'll be great. Spencer and Gianna are important to the story, yes, but so is all the other stuff. It's important that they met in a huge crowd instead of when it was just the two of them on the court. It's important that Spencer has a friend with him. It's important to know what kind of car Spencer drives and if he just got his licence or if he's been driving for years. Those little details matter. That's what pieces together the entire story.

Keep up the good job with your characters. If this is how I feel about them after the first chapter, I can only imagine how much more we'll learn in later chapters. I'm looking forward to it.

Let me know when the next chapter is out! I'll be happy to review it :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Zachary says...


I really appreciate all your advice thank you!!! I'm a pretty new writer especially when it comes to stories so all your advice is very helpfull!! I have some trouble with details and flow alot but I'm working on it! Thank you for the review I'll notify you when the next chapter is up!



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 10:42 pm
tronks wrote a review...



You've got all the character traits set up, but the story telling itself is a bit rough. You're using a lot of telling, and this increases the pacing. The pacing is a tad bit too fast, and it can be slowed down by showing more. Introduce these characters with their surroundings, let their actions speak for who they are, etc. As an intro, it needs to be the strongest point of your piece so that the reader can be drawn in. With a little more fleshing out, your intro could really grasp people.




Zachary says...


Thank you, I was actually thinking about how to do that because I know I have a problem with introducing too fast. I'm working on it and appreciate your input!!



Zachary says...


edited it if you'd like to read it :)



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:33 pm
ShadowTony1 says...



A really suggest writing a bit more on this topic, 250 points isn't too easy to get ;).




Zachary says...


Okay thanks haha I'm new...




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