Four years ago all my emotions died along with my parents. My life was perfect -some may say- I had friends and family. The day my parents passed, I was put in an orphanage. I have no other living relatives. That same day my best friend told everyone my biggest secret, that I'm gay, and then proceeded to give me a knuckle sandwich. The day my parents passed I made my first cut -there are now hundreds. The day my parents passed my life started its downward spiral, and my voice was not heard from again.
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that's quite a prologue there, for something that's as small as this one, it does manage to pack quite a punch and what looks to be a terrible story all into there very well here. It definitely lets you know right away that this is a story where a lot of pretty bad things take place here.
The death of this person's parents is repeatedly mentioned and while usually I'd say that's a bit too much repetition I think you've done it here to really nail home the point that this was the moment where this entire downward spiral began and I do think this emphasis really does help convey how much it affected this person which means in this case the repetition is good.
The mention of the best friend is also quite interesting, you can tell that is a pretty big deal there...but the way that's it just mentioned only once there...as a sort of add on to the devastation of losing this person's parents puts in perspective just how horrible the deaths were and also shows this was truly the worst day of this person's life here.
All in all, we have a pretty powerful picture built up here in the start, and well, I'd say this a pretty solid prologue here, it seems like a story that I would read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is great! The only thing I thought might be better was, instead of "My life was perfect -some may say- I had friends and family." you could put "I had friends and family -some may say- my life was perfect." Just an idea. If you don't like it, I understand.
That's a really good idea and it reads better. thank you!
Hi there!
First of all, I think it could be a little longer with explanations. How did the parents die? How was the character's life so perfect? How did you feel and how did you react when your best friend told everyone your secret? What did you tell him?
Just add simple explanations to make the reader understand what is really going on and how everything is working out for the character.
Okay thank you for the advice
Hi there. Rebel to review.
Before I start on my review, welcome to YWS!
Now onto the review. For my liking, I felt that it could've been longer. How did the parents die? How was the character's life perfect? What was it like the day the character's best friend told his biggest secret to everyone? You could elaborate on topics such as these. Details are what make a good story.
Here are some grammatical errors I found:
In the first sentence, 'year's' doesn't really need an apostrophe at all and 'parent's' really needs to be converted to 'parents'.
In the third sentence, you'll need to insert a comma between passed and I. Also, you created a run-on. The last part of the sentence, 'I have no other living relatives', could stand alone as a sentence.
The last sentence, 'parent's' once again needs to be 'parents' ' while 'it's' needs to be 'its'.
Now onto the positives.
I liked the name of your story. The title drew me in, wanting to know the reasoning behind it. The attention-getter/starting sentence only added onto that curiosity. Nicely done with that.
You had nice little bits of a sentence. Here are some examples: knuckle sandwich, there are now hundreds, and my voice was not heard from again.
Overall, you did a decent job. Keep writing!
Thank you and I will fix those grammatical errors, thank you for your feed back.
Hello, I'm Kev! You caught my interest instantly when you said the character was gay. You don't see that often in stories and I always appreciate it when authors have a gay character-- and you made it the main character too! Huge kudos.
I also love the sentence "The day my parents passed I made my first- there are now hundreds." It just makes me pity this character instantly because cutting is such an awful act that tears my heart apart.
You have me interested and there wasn't even much to this prologue! Please do message me when you have the first chapter up (-:
Four years ago all my emotions died along with my parents'. (You made these possessive when they weren't)
The day my parents passed I was put in an orphanage because I have no other living relatives.(Might read smoother)
That same day my best friend told everyone my biggest secret, that I'm gay, and then proceeded to give me a knuckle sandwich.
(I can't stop laughing.)
I think this is such a short start, and I wish you'd written more. If you extended it then you wouldn't need to do so much telling. I also wish that I didn't hear his biggest secret ever so early into the novel--within a few sentences. It doesn't make me as excited to read on. Keep writing though, because you're getting there!