smaur

Okay, I'm going to look at a chunk of your "story" in-depth: You cannot capture a feeling. Okay, this isn't a horrible first line, but it's not an amazing one, ...

Wow ... words cannot describe how much this story means to me. It's profound , y'know? You've managed to convey the emotional conflict of the characters, the depth and complexity ...

U2! *glee* Okay, here goes. A teeny tiny note that the rating should be kicked up to "R" as ordained by the YWS ratings system . I don't think it's ...

A couple of things: - shouldn't this be in the Fantasy section? The title itself acknowledges that "this is a magic story," so I'm not entirely sure why this is ...

Hmm. Since this was posted for the Short Story Contest, I'm going to take a leap of logic and say that this is supposed to be a short story. If ...

Hahaha. This is great. I'd either sound freakishly overenthusiastic or really really obnoxious if I tried to describe in-depth what exactly I love about this (and quickly run out of ...

Run this through spell-check once . You don't have to proofread. You don't have to use the much more reliable Spell-As-You-Go. Just run it through spell-check and take a look ...

Inertia's right. Slow down; you're rushing the story and we're not getting a very good impression of any of the characters. I can't form any attachments to the characters; I'm ...

As she slipped past the bakery, in the pick blackness of night, she thought about Mercicio. I'm pretty sure you mean "in the pitch black of the night," not "pick ...

A look at the first paragraph: He lay there. He had no idea how long he had laid there. This sounds really choppy, to no positive effect — cut out ...

Er, what Adam101 and Dammerung said. This is way too rushed, to the extent that the reader isn't able to form a clear picture of the scene. You've glossed over ...

Let's take a look at the first couple of paragraphs: Sara looked around her room. In terms of opening lines, this does not entice me to read further. It's not ...

Stuff you should keep in mind: - Formatting. Egads, people. It's really very simple. Crayon said it, too — space your paragraphs properly and more people will be willing to ...

Lol, Crys, I almost feel apologetic for sending you all of that...I meant to break it up. Hmm. If I could only learn how to *edit* posts... Upper right-hand corner ...

First paragraph: “You know I only want the best for you” he said with a guilty conscience. There should be a comma after "you", before the end of the quotation ...