You cannot capture a feeling. Pictures will show an event, a memory, but it cannot capture a feeling. Words, although they can describe anything, they cannot capture a feeling.
A feeling is like a night sky, you know what is there but there is always something you cannot see or don’t expect. A passing comet, a new star.
Feelings are unpredictable, you can be feeling happy then sad, you feel love then hatred, then you feel something you have never felt before and you don’t know what it is but you know you will never be the same after that moment.
We are but simple people who follow our simple paths but we harbour something much greater than ourselves and that is what makes us so great. We feel.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is a very interesting piece here. I don't believe I've seen something quite this short before that managed to address what appears to be a full proper topic here from start to finish. It seems to also be oddly fitting that something of this size should be talking about something that can be as fleeting as a feeling here.
Okay...so moving onto the actual sort of situation you've described here. I like the message its trying to convey here. I don't know quite how much I actually agree with it, but I certainly do find myself enjoying it quite a bit. I think you've done a great job of conveying that point too using this extra touch of imagery and really leaning into the feeling that you're trying to create here.
I think the way you tap into these feelings then tying into people there is very nicely done. Its such a simple statement there with no real frills attached but its still quite powerful and it certainly makes you think quite a bit. I think you've done a wonderful job with this piece right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, I'm going to look at a chunk of your "story" in-depth:
Okay, this isn't a horrible first line, but it's not an amazing one, either. First lines count. Remember that. In terms of superficial hooks, this is probably the most important for readers. It's their first impression of the content in the narrative. It doesn't have to be action-packed, but it does have to be interesting. Unfortunately, this is not.
"But it cannot capture a feeling," should be, "but they cannot capture a feeling." Remember: you're referring back to the pictures, and that's pluralized.
Cut out the second "they," so "they can describe anything, they cannot capture a feeling," becomes, "they can describe anything, cannot capture a feeling."
A couple of things, here.
"A night sky," should be "the night sky." This should be a followed by a semi-colon (or an em dash, or maybe even a period), to read, "a feeling is like the night sky; you know what is there," etc.
Secondly, your comparison isn't a very strong argument for your point. For a couple of reasons. First of all, you're trying to capture feeling in order to support the argument that you can't capture a feeling. You're comparing feelings to the night sky, and yet by your own claim, the reader isn't given a vivid impression of feelings. Therefore, either your initial argument isn't very strong, or the comparison isn't. Or, worst case scenario: neither are.
The other thing is that, "there is something [about a feeling] you cannot see or don't expect"? I hope the flaw in that argument is self-evident, but if not — say something, and I'll clarify.
First of all: people do expect these things in the night sky, since — well, it's the night sky. They sure as heck aren't going to find a passing comet in the bottom of their basement.
The other thing is that you can see a passing comet, and/or a new star. So, again: your argument isn't very strong.
* * *
A few things:
1 - This is not "other fiction." It is non-fiction, and therefore should not go here.
2 - Formatting, please. It's a simple concept; separate the paragraphs by two line breaks. One block of text:
becomes two separate paragraphs!
It's the magic of the "Enter" key.
3 - You're all over the place. You say a lot of different things (okay, three) and then rush to say something new without coherently explaining your previous point and backing it up with a solid argument. Slow down. Take the time to figure out what you're trying to say and how you want to say it. Use segue. Segue is fun and healthy and beautiful. We will love you for it.
Thanks. This was a sort of spur of the moment type thing.
I agree with the fact that it's a bit disjointed which I will work on probably tommorrow I don't know how I could make it longer but de-dejointing it up will hopefully add a bit of length to it.
I disagree with your ideas, even though I guess that isn't the premise here. I think writing can perfectly capture a feeling (to an extent), although obviously the olny way to truly understand a feeling is to, well, feel it. Your analogy of the night sky is quite good.
Looking at this piece analytically, it's too short and it's disjointed. You seem to have sporadically chosen new lines and not tried to tie them into one another in any way. Work on your transitions. Otherwise it may make sense but will just be hard to read. You have some good ideas here but you haven't joined them all together to form a unified work.
Also, on the penultimate line you say "greater and "great", which shows a lack of variety. Some good lexis here would enahnce this piece.