Young Writers Society

thanks a lot. I'm new to the whole writing thing, so your tips and corrections really help me. I'll keep all of them in mind.

As she slipped past the bakery, in the pick blackness of night, she thought about Mercicio.

As she slipped past the bakery in the pitch black of night, she thought about Mercicio.

He wanted their money, not for his only child to be happy.

"I shouldn't be sorry. I should be exited. This is not the end, but the beginning. The beginning of a new life, a life of change and adventure; instead of a day to day schedule."

As she slipped past the bakery, in the pick blackness of night, she thought about Mercicio. She didn't love him, her father did. He wanted their money, not for his only child to be happy.

"I shouldn't be sorry. I should be exited. This is not the end, but the beginning. The beginning of a new life, a life of change and adventure; instead of a day to day schedule."

Still, she could not get Will off her mind.

No one must follow her. Not even the person she felt most comfortable with.

No one must follow her, not even the person she felt most comfortable with.

Not even the person she felt most comfortable with. She always was comfortable around Will, even more comfortable than being alone.

Not even the person she felt most comfortable with — Will.

. At this thought she became tired, but she knew that if she stopped now, she would end up turning around; like all the other times she had attempted this task.

As she slipped past the bakery, in the pick blackness of night, she thought about Mercicio. She didn't love him, her father did. He wanted their money, not for his only child to be happy. "I shouldn't be sorry. I should be exited. This is not the end, but the beginning. The beginning of a new life, a life of change and adventure; instead of a day to day schedule." Still, she could not get Will off her mind. She would miss him deeply, but if she ever were to get out of this small little village, she must go alone. No one must follow her. Not even the person she felt most comfortable with. She always was comfortable around Will, even more comfortable than being alone. At this thought she became tired, but she knew that if she stopped now, she would end up turning around; like all the other times she had attempted this task.

She finally made up her mind. "Rose," she told her reluctant self, "keep moving. If you stop now, you might as well stamp a brand on your forehead that says 'Betrothed and unhappy'. You are looking for adventure and here it is; right in front of you. Just take 10 more steps, just 10 more steps. Once you are past the village pub, you are home free. Adventure might as well be your middle name. There it is. I can see it! I can feel it!! Freedom!!"

look i never read the second and third parts. i'm wrtting bout the first bit. here's what i think:
Is there more to this?-the end seems very abrupt.

Anyway, I spotted a mistake in the sentence: “He wanted their money, not for his only child to be happy”-this is incompltet. When there’s a “not only” there must be a “but also”.
And in Rose’s second line of first direct speech : “I should be exited.”-is there a spelling mistake-should ‘exited’ be ‘excited’??
I think you shoud speel out the numbers and not represent them in digits-it seems a bit not-very-author-like.

Otherwise, I find your writing style pretty amazing- you’ve written precise and well woven sentences. The monologues are really well done.
“If you stop now, you might as well stamp a brand on your forehead that says 'Betrothed and unhappy'.”-Great job in here-I loved this!!!

I think I'm going to be rewriting this novel. I don't like the way it's going so far

Is it still too rushed?

Still unsure of where she was going, Rose continued on. She could hear Will's breath and footsteps behind her, which comforted her. She was still so angry and frustrated with him. "You don't understand, Will. I can protect myself. I know where I'm going. . . sort of. Why does he have to be so bullheaded?" At this thought, she realized, he wasn't behind her anymore, but in front. He sensed something, something beyond a great Willow in the middle of the path.
"Rose," he whispered, "stay still. Don't move." She could sense the urgency in his voice, so she didn't move a muscle. The wind rattled the branches of the old tree and Rose's gown blew to the south. Wind blowing to the south, only meant one thing to her, danger. Her father had always said, "When the wind blows north, you are safe as a cloud, but when it blows south, get out."
Will's breathing brought her back to reality. Surely whatever it was is gone now, Rose thought, but she was wrong.
Suddenly, a great white flash occurred. Both travelers were forced to the rock covered ground. As soon as Rose could muster up enough strength and courage, she looked up. What she saw was amazing. Standing about two feet from her head, was an Elf. His long silver hair blowing in the night wind. His mighty bow and shaft of arrows were slung over his masculine shoulders, and his hand lay on his sword, which by the look of it was thousands of years old. He said something in elvish that neither Will nor Rose could understand. Finally, realizing they didn't speak his native tongue, he spoke in a clearer language, one which they could understand. "What are you doing in my ancestor's woods?"


Chapter II

His voice was strong and sure. Will finally broke the almost endless silence following that awkward statement, "Who be you to question two young travelers?"
"I? You do not know whom I am? Orophin Culna`mo of the Wood of Anarene`. Does that register into your mind?"
Rose was utterly shocked. "Culna`mo? Is that Elvish?" She said in astonishment. "I had no idea Elves lived in this part of Sansara. I didn't even know elves were real."
Outraged, Orophin looked at the young woman laying on the ground before his feet. "Elves don't exist? Then what am I? A troll? A dragon? I have seen both and I am much prettier. Not as pretty as thee, but still, prettier than trolls or dragons."
Rose took no mind to the comment on her beauty, but was now looking shyly away, embarrassed for the effect her outburst had on the Prince. Suddenly, Orophin looked around. His dark eyes darting and staring at every tree and shrub.
"It is not safe here. We will travel to my fathers domain, and there your punishment will be decided. Even though I must replace him some day, it is not my place yet to assign punishment for those who trespass." By his look, Rose could tell something was watching them, very closely. But she could not even imagine what it could be. For the second time that evening, she was frightened.
"Excuse me, but, where are going?" she asked in a uncertain tone. She was afraid that he would have another outburst again.
"I can not tell thee, maiden. There are some creatures in this wood, that should not know. No doubt they will follow, but never will they find where we go. Nor shall thee. My father's domain is not for travelers eyes. Thee must be blinded. Not permanently, but only temporarily. Until we arrive, thine eyes shall see nothing." Throughout this discouraging statement, he whispered. It was almost as if he didn't want anything to hear him, not even the trees, which had become quiet. His voice was much louder now, and Rose no longer leaned forward to hear him. "Linwe` Amras Ea`ra`ne."
As soon as the last word escaped from his mouth, she could no longer see. She blinked and blinked, but her eyes were as if someone had laid a shadow over them. She was lifted up from the ground, gently placed on her feet, and left to find Will and help him up.
The night was long and hard. The blinded fell occasionally and were scraped and bloody by the time Orophin told them to stop.
He spoke another saying in his tongue, but this time he was answered back by a different voice. It was also strong and sounded as if it's owner was very old, centuries almost. They had just passed into the realm of Itarilde`, King of Anarene`.

Chapter III

Everything was happening too fast for Rose. As she sat in her cold dark cell, she thought about the events of the past hours. One minute, she was alone, the next, Will was along with her. Then she found out that Elves were real; something that really caught her off guard. Forced to walk the woods blind for hours and finally arrive at a secret domain, where she had no idea where she was. Will left her to converse with Orophin and Itarilde` about why they were trespassing. That was almost an hour ago. Where was he now?

There's more, but not till I think of it.

Ok, I think I added a bit more, for the liking of others. Please see if you like it. Thanks Oh! If you have already read the first half, just skip down to the newly added material. It should be right after the bold print.



Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 6:29 am

As she slipped past the bakery, in the pick blackness of night, she thought about Mercicio. She didn't love him, her father did. He wanted their money, not for his only child to be happy. "I shouldn't be sorry. I should be exited. This is not the end, but the beginning. The beginning of a new life, a life of change and adventure; instead of a day to day schedule." Still, she could not get Will off her mind. She would miss him deeply, but if she ever were to get out of this small little village, she must go alone. No one must follow her. Not even the person she felt most comfortable with. She always was comfortable around Will, even more comfortable than being alone. At this thought she became tired, but she knew that if she stopped now, she would end up turning around; like all the other times she had attempted this task.
She finally made up her mind. "Rose," she told her reluctant self, "keep moving. If you stop now, you might as well stamp a brand on your forehead that says 'Betrothed and unhappy'. You are looking for adventure and here it is; right in front of you. Just take 10 more steps, just 10 more steps. Once you are past the village pub, you are home free. Adventure might as well be your middle name. There it is. I can see it! I can feel it!! Freedom!!"
She dropped to the ground as she passed the gate separating the woods from the village. "I made it," was all that escaped her lips. She could still hear the dogs barking in the distance at creature she could not even imagine the world having. After a brief period of mindlessness, she got up. She had never been this far into the forest before. Actually, she had never been beyond the gate. Her father had always sheltered her. Always protected her from things he claimed would harm her. She was never allowed to go out after dark, or by herself. She could never go out with friends down to the pond to swim. She didn't know how to swim because of him. As she thought more and more about what her father had sheltered her from, she became angry with him. All the anger welled up in her, until finally, she felt as if she would start an avalanche some 34 miles away on Mt. Ghorona. She did not want to wake any of the villagers so she waited until out of earshot to scream, "Are you happy father?! Once you wake up, I hope you realize, you pushed me to do this. I didn't create this, you did." Her voice was now shaking with fear and exhaustion, "Ever since mother died, you haven't been the same. You used to be cheery and happy. You always cared about me. Now it is all about you. You only care about what is good for you, not me. Well, now you don't have to worry about me. I'm gone and out of your life, forever, like you wanted." As she said this, she related back to a time when he said that to her. She was only 3, but she remembered. It still burned her some 14 years later. She would never forget.

This is where I added the next part.

Because of all the anger inside her, she hadn't realized how far she had gone. As she looked around, she became scared. The dark sinister trees, looking as if they were drilling a whole into her, and the sounds of night, which were so calm, were frightening. Suddenly, up ahead on the dirt path, she realized, someone was staring at her. The immediate urgency to turn around come upon her, but those eyes looked so familiar. Her heart was pounding like a drum at village dance. After some a few breathless minutes, the stranger decides to show himself.
"Rose, what are you doing in the forest? Why are you not at home?"
"Will, why did you follow me?" was her response.
"What were you doing in the forest?" his voice was strong and stern. His dark hair even darker because of the lack of light. Rose could tell, by his look and by his clenched jaw that he was not going to give up so easily.
Rose never won anything against Will, and he knew it. "I was running away to be blunt." she exclaimed with more self confidence. Will had never made her turn back before; she had always done that by her own free will, or lack of courage. "What are you going to do about it? Make me go back? Back to what? The rest of my life, as father says? No. I don't want to marry Mercicio. I don't want to go back to the life where I know what I am going to be doing before I even wake up! The world where I have no freewill, no difference between yesterday and today? No adventure? That's not a life, it's a cage." She finished her last sentence half to herself, hoping Will had not heard.
There was a prolonged silence between them. Finally, Will spoke. There was a change in the way he said things now. Sort of like he longed for the same things she did. "Rose, if you must go, please take me with you." There was a pause at which Roses' face was unforgettable. Her blue eyes were as big as they could get and her blonde hair, black in the dark, swayed gently as the wind passed in short gusts. She could not believe what she was hearing. It sounded as if he was pleading with her, not commanding. "I care for you like we were kin, and I don't want to see you hurt, by anything or anyone."
"What is there out there to hurt me Will? A tree?" Her tone was mocking.
"I have been in this forest longer than you think I have. I know what lies beyond these trees. There are worse things than being afraid of the dark, especially if the dark is the one scaring you. I know it doesn't make much sense to you now, but it will; once you discover the hidden meaning." His voice was stern again and his jaw clenched. She knew she could not win, so she decide to let him come.
"Fine, you can come. But on one condition. I lead and you don't say anything. You are only there to see for yourself that nothing will hurt me. Got it?"
"Fine."


Please read and report. Thanks

I appreciate all of your constructive criticism. My story, like I said, is not finished yet. I will take the advice about spelling and about telling about the village. I'm trying to think of more ideas, it will be in the fantasy fiction category, though.

I think it's a little rushed. One thing leads to another rather quickly and without some explanation. It's a little too confusing right now to be really engrossed in. You should definitely write some more, though, to clear up some things.

Griffinkeeper: I believe the character is seventeen, not three. At the bottom of the text, it says that when she was three, her dad said the same thing to her, and now, fourteen years later, as she shouting at him, it still hurts.

However, it is a little confusing. I had to read the sentence over several times to get it.

Cuteape: interesting story. Revise the pacing; describe the scene around her as she goes through the village (what is everyone doing, drinking merrily in the village pub, laughs of other young folk around the corner, etc?). The climax is very good. I love the anger.

I think your character is way too young. The dialogue, the thoughts, the perception, it just doesn't suit a three year old.

A three year old simply isn't old enough to deal with the pressures that you're trying to put the character through.

In general, most people don't remember what happened before age 5, let alone three. Recalling it after 13 years in the wilderness would be next to impossible.

This is completely neglecting all the spelling and grammar errors (Chery should be cheery, for example).

Your formatting also needs work, you see an hour of work, I see a block of text. Put lines between all dialogues, new paragraphs, then we'll talk some more.

A abseloutly fantastic mix between the story of shakes pears and the style of tolkien, i dont no why its in fantasy fiction ( maybe it will be revealed later on)but this was realy good, it was well structured and written however, you might of gone too far when you made her say all those things, speech is a good way of revealing backround( mother dead) but if you use it to show too much it will not only bore the reader but it will make one realize what your doing(revealing backround through speech). but dont get me wrong, this was one of the few stories on this site that had no climax , but it still was
cool. please write more on this story, i wanna know were its set

I think I found a fitting title, In a World Unknown. The story is not complete, actually, not even close. I wrote that little section off the top of my head.